


Parenthood

by Marish_06



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, F/M, Family Drama, Pregnancy, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-12
Updated: 2013-07-20
Packaged: 2017-11-29 00:50:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 51,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/680802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marish_06/pseuds/Marish_06
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one ever said raising a family would be easy, but through it all their children will always come first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Author’s Notes:

Now first things first, A big thank you to Amy who has been betaing for me forever and will be betaing this for me as well out of the goodness of her heart. THANK YOU AMY! Chapters will be posted when she’s done with them and sends them back to me for one final look over. No sooner or later. So bear with me people!

As I said before this is the 4th and final installment to my Series of Chances series. It’s sad that it has to come to an end. I came up with the blue print for this story forever ago and I’m glad so many of you have enjoyed it. Even though this series is coming to an end fear not. I have 1 story I’m working on and 2-3 others currently rolling around in my head so I’m not done with fanfict yet!

Now…On to the story!

The alarm blares on Elliot’s side of the bed and he reaches over groggily to turn it off. He lays in bed for a few more moments, preparing himself to take on yet another day. He feels himself starting to drift back into unconsciousness and decides then that it is time to get up. He quickly handles his business in the bathroom, and emerges freshly shaven with minty fresh breath. He looks over at his wife with pity in his eyes. She’s been sick with flu the past couple of days and last night was one of the worst. They’d been hoping that maybe she was pregnant, but a home pregnancy test had quickly squashed those dreams. He’d rolled over in the middle of the night, to find himself alone in bed, and found her asleep on the bathroom floor. She seems to have slept fine ever since, and while he hates to have to wake her, he knows that she is determined to go back to work this morning.

He walks over and sits beside her on the bed. “Hey, Liv,” he croons softly into her ear. “Time to wake up baby.” 

She groans softly and snuggles more into her pillow. “Time is it?” she asks groggily.

“Almost 7.”

She lets out a long sigh. “Can you get Shortstuff ready for me?”

“Sure thing. Want me to make you some tea or something?”

“Please. And leave a pack of Dayquil beside it. I’m going to need half a pack to get through today.”

“Liv, why don’t you just take another sick day?”

“Because I don’t need another sick day. I’ll be fine. I promise.”

*

I’ll be fine. That’s what she’d said. Fine. Yeah right. He glances over at as Warner gives them the rundown on their latest vic. Technically, they’re not supposed to be working together, but they had needed CPU’s help with this case, and who better to send than the ex-sex crimes detective? Cragen had pulled out every stop to make sure they didn’t end up working together, but he hadn’t expected CPU to send her over. And all his other detectives were already out interviewing suspects or working other cases, and Elliot’s partner was at a conference for the week, so that only left him. Without any other choice Cragen had sent Olivia with him, but that was just until another detective returned so that he could fix Olivia up with someone else. Besides, they are just going to talk to Warner and see the body. She looks deathly pale and he can tell something isn’t quite right with his wife. 

She’s trying to listen, really she is, but the sterile smell and the scent of death that hovers in the air is more than getting to her at this point. “Excuse me, I just need some fresh air,” she says then heads for the door.

“She ok?” Warner asks.

“The flu,” Elliot responds. “Told her to stay home, but you know her, stubborn as ever.” 

“Yea, she’s the stubborn one,” Warner mutters before continuing her description.

Outside the examination room Olivia heads down the hallway, and it seems that with every step she takes the door that leads outside gets farther and farther away, the hallway darker and darker. Her breaths are shallow and the checkered floor seems to twist and tilt more and more with every step she takes, and suddenly it is vertically in front of her and before she can figure out what has happened, the darkness surrounds and then envelops her. Then there is nothing.

*

Inside the morgue Elliot hears a thud followed by voices. Both he and Warner share the same look of concern as they go to investigate what has happened. Elliot feels his heart in his throat when he sees his wife’s unconscious form on the floor surrounded by some other medical personnel. 

“Olivia,” he calls and is by her side in seconds. “Liv! Liv!” he calls, touching her face lightly.

Warner pushes her way in and does a quick scan, checking her pulse and her pupils. “Looks like she fainted,” she responds. She waves some smelling salts in front of her face and it seems to do the trick. Olivia’s eyes fly open momentarily and then close again.

“What, happened?” she groans. 

“You fainted,” Elliot responds. 

“Here, bring her into my office.” 

Elliot lifts her easily and places her in a chair in Warner’s office. Warner grabs a water bottle from her mini fridge and hands it to Olivia. “Here drink this slowly,” she says.  
“Elliot told me you haven’t been feeling well.”

“Yea, it’s just the flu. I guess I should have taken that extra sick day,” she mumbles.

“Not funny,” Elliot responds.

“Is this the first time you’ve fainted?”

“It happened once yesterday, but I was fine.”

“It happened yesterday!? And you didn’t think to tell me?”

“I was fine El. I woke up and just went to bed.”

“Well, I think that’s what you need. Elliot, why don’t you go bring the car around so she won’t have to walk too far. We’ll meet you out there in a minute.”

Elliot is hesitant to go, but he knows Olivia is in good hands. Once he’s gone, Warner turns an inquisitive eye towards her. “Olivia, is there a chance you could be pregnant?”

Olivia shakes her head. “No. We’ve been trying, but…I haven’t been able to conceive.”

“Well are you sure you’re not? You know sometimes it can be too early for the test to pick up the HCG levels.”

“Yea, I’m sure. I had my period just last week. We haven’t had sex since then.”

Warner nods. “I’m going to draw some blood anyway.”

“Mel, that’s not necessary. It’s just the flu.”

“Alright, but lets just make sure everything’s alright. It’ll just take a minute.”

Olivia nods and rolls up her sleeve.

*

Hours later Olivia awakes o find herself in somewhat familiar surroundings. She rests on one of the bunks located in the 1-6 locker rooms. On their way to the house there had been a break in the case that required their immediate attention, so instead of heading home they had headed back to precinct. She had offered as much of expertise as she could, before her illness got the best of her and she decided to hit the sack.

She can hear them buzzing around downstairs and she experiences a sense of déjà vu, but it only lasts momentarily. Because she is no longer a sex crimes detective, and this is no longer her precinct. She still feels like shit, but she doesn’t want to be here anymore. She decides to give into the flu and head home to get plenty of rest and drink lots of fluids. Maybe tomorrow she will be in better shape to return to work. 

She heads down stairs and manages to catch everyone’s attention.

“Well, if it isn’t sleeping beauty,” Munch quips.

She simply rolls her eyes at him. She doesn’t have the energy right now for snarky comebacks. Elliot gets up from his seat and meets her half way. 

“Hey, how’re you feeling?”

“Like shit. I’m going to scoop Kayla and head home. How’s the case going, should I be expecting you home soon?”

“We may have a possible suspect. Fin is in interrogation room one with him right now. Let me drive you.”

“And then do what with my car?” 

“I don’t know. I’ll figure something out. You shouldn’t be driving in this condition.”

“El, I’m fine to drive home. I’m picking Kayla up remember? I wouldn’t put our daughter’s life in jeopardy just prove something.”

“Fine. Call me when you get home. And don’t worry about dinner, I’ll have some Chinese delivered or something.”

“Thanks,” She kisses his cheek and then heads on her way.

*

Later that night Elliot returns home. It’s late, but they finally caught their guy. Elliot takes his time removing his coat and shoes. He goes into the kitchen with the soup he’s brought for his wife, but takes a moment to virtually inhale what is left of his family’s Chinese takeout. Once he’s finished, he starts to head upstairs with the soup, only to discover his wife sleeping on their living room couch. He goes over and sits by her side and takes a moment to watch her breathe a deep and even sleep. 

“Hey,” he says softly.

Olivia’s eyes flutter and it takes her a moment to acclimate herself to her surroundings, but then she sees him, and she smiles. “Hey,” she replies just as softly.

“How you feeling?” he asks.

“Ok. What’d you bring me?” she asks nodding towards the bag in his hand.

“Just some soup. Minestrone. You want some now?”

“Maybe later. I have something to tell you,” she says and stares at him seriously.

“What?”

“Well when you went to get the car today Melinda drew some blood.”

“Is everything ok?” he asks as he tries to get his heart to stop racing at her words.

“Sort of…”

His heart starts to pound. “Sort of?”

“Well, I definitely have the flu, but also…”

“Also what?” he asks as he takes a few deep breathes to slow his heart rate down.

She smiles up at him. “I’m pregnant.”

“You’re kidding me,” he grins.

“Nope. She ran it twice just to make sure. We’re pregnant!” she laughs infectiously.

He pulls her into his arms and holds her tight. “I knew it. I knew we could do it.”

Olivia holds him close and blinks away tears at the same time he does. He’s glad that this time the news isn’t overshadowed by past mistakes. This time they can celebrate together. This time he can sleep beside her and hold her and their baby close. He can settle his hand over her growing abdomen and be close to them. He’s not going to be kicked out of her apartment. He’s not going to be told to stay away. This time they are going to do this together. 

He pulls away and looks her deep in the eye. “I love you,” he says before touching his lips to hers. 

“I love you too,” she mumbles against his lips then kisses him back.

 

As always thank you so much for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all who have read this so far. This is part 4 of A Series of Chances. I also post on ffnet. You can find the previous 3 parts there. I will also post them here. I recently posted Part 1: Another Chance. More to come later! =)

“So what does this mean for us?” Lizzie asks with her arms crossed defensively over her chest.

“What do you mean?” Elliot asks, Olivia’s hand held firmly in his. After the first doctor’s appointment and an official due date, Elliot and Olivia decided that it was time to let the kids know that they would be expecting a new sibling. 

“Do we have to move back in with Mom?”

“No. You guys are welcomed to stay here with us for as long as you would like.” Olivia answers.

“But where are you going to put it? There’s no more room.”

“Well, the baby will probably just sleep in our room for awhile, and then when he or she is old enough the baby can share a room with Kayla. Nothing is going to change for you guys.”

Lizzie rolls her eyes. “That’s a lie and you know it.” She stands and holds out a hand for Kayla. “C’mon squirt, let’s go play.”

Kayla slides off her mother’s lap and follows her sister upstairs. The two parents stare at the boy sitting before them. “What about you Rick?” Elliot asks.

Rick shrugs. “As long as I get to keep my room I’m cool.” He stands and heads to his room, leaving Elliot and Olivia alone.

“That went well?” she asks him.

“About as well as it was going to go.”

“What’re we going to do, El?”

“She’ll come around.”

“That’s what you said about her and Kayla.”

“And look at them now.”

“That’s guilt El. She still feels bad about what happened.”

He sighs. “Well, we have another seven to eight months to make her ok with it. At this point that’s the best that we can do.”

Olivia stares back at him, worriedly.

*

The scent of marinara wafts through the air and Olivia feels her stomach flip. She swallows hard multiple times, trying in vain to keep the dry toast she has managed to keep down for the past hour in her stomach, but it doesn’t seem to be working.

“Liv, you’re not going to try some of my world famous sauce?”

“World famous? Please Dad, it’s not even famous in this borough,” Lizzie teases from her seat around the dinner table.

“Can it,” he responds and Rick grins from his seat. 

“Isn’t that where you got it from?”

Elliot eyes him and Rick whispers something in his twin’s ear causing both of them to snicker. He twirls some spaghetti from Olivia’s plate onto his fork. “Here Liv, you gotta eat something,” he waves the fork in front of her face and that’s it. It’s enough to send her racing up the stairs. Elliot is quickly on her heels but is stopped when the door to their bathroom slams in his face. He stands idly by and listens as she retches into the toilet. He hates this. He knows that this is a natural part of pregnancy, but he also knows that it sucks and that there is nothing that he can do to help her. “Liv,” he calls. She doesn’t answer. “Liv,” he tries again. When there is once again no response, he decides to go in. “Baby I’m coming in.” He turns the knob slowly, giving her a chance to protest his intrusion, but she makes no sound or movement to stop him. He enters to find her slumped on the toilet seat, her face buried in her arm.

“Liv?” he tries again.

“Put spaghetti and meatballs on the list of things that I can’t have.”

“Baby, we don’t have a list.”

“Then start one,” she says glaring at him with blurry eyes.

“Ok. Can I get you some water or something?” He asks and rubs her back gently.

“No. I don’t want anything right now.”

“Liv, you have to eat and you have to stay hydrated.” 

“Can you get me some toast or something?”

“Liv, you’re eating for two. You’re going to need something more substantial than that.”

“Elliot, I can’t barely keep my own saliva down. Consider me on the BRAT diet until further notice.”

“Liv…”

“Elliot, if you want to help, then do as I’ve asked. Otherwise leave me the fuck alone.” She grimaces when she realizes the harshness of her words. “Sorry. I know you’re trying to help, but I need you to not force me into things. Especially right now. Until I get better at keeping my meals down I’d just prefer the basics for right now.”

“Alright. I’m going to head to the store and grab some things. You gonna be ok?” 

“Yes. Thank you. I love you.”

“Love you too. I’ll be right back.” He races down the stairs and grabs his keys on the kitchen counter, but pauses at the dinner table. Kayla is covered in spaghetti sauce and is in desperate need of a shower. She smiles up at him.

“I come too Daddy?”

“Not this time baby. C’mon. You need a shower.”

“Where were you going?” Lizzie asks as he lifts Kayla from her booster seat.

“I was going to pick some things up for Olivia, but I’ll go a little later.”

“I can get her cleaned up if that helps.”

“Really?”

“Sure, it’ll only cost you $20,” she smirks.

“Deal!” he says and hands Kayla to her sister.

“I should have asked for more money,” Lizzie grumbles holding her sister away from her in an effort to keep herself from getting covered in sauce.

“Yea you should have,” Elliot teases. “Rick since your sister is busy, that means the dishes are yours ok?”

“Yes Sir,” Rick nods and heads towards the kitchen to get started. 

Elliot picks up his keys and checks that he has his wallet before he is out the door.

*

Hours later he returns with the goods. Their home is dark and as he checks each room he sees that his children are all sleeping. What had initially started as a quick trip to the store for food that Olivia would be able to keep down quickly turned into one of those nights where he wished he wasn’t a cop. He loves his job, and it helps him sleep easier at night knowing that he is doing something to help protect his children, but there are times that he wishes he could protect them by simply being with them. He wishes that there were more dinners like tonight where he’s able to sit around the table and hear about his kids’ days. Where he can pick his son up from school and help him prepare to try out for the football team. Where he can pretend to be interested in the things his daughter is learning even if they are way above his head. Where he can sit and watch the news with his wife’s feet in his lap and not think about every gruesome detail that isn’t being reported in their story. Where he can be a family man and husband and nothing more. But he knows that will never happen. As long as he’s working sex crimes there will always be nights like tonight where he has to skip out on being the father and husband his family needs him to be, and instead be the detective that the city of New York needs him to be. Something has got to change.

He opens the door to their bedroom to find his wife asleep and he smiles. She had been waiting up for him. The book she had been reading remains lightly clutched in her hand and the lamp beside her is still on. He places the saltines and ginger ale he brought up for her on the night stand beside her side of the bed and simply looks at her. He admires the peaceful look on her beautiful face. He watches the rise and fall of her chest as she takes each deep breath. The hand clutching the book now rests on her chest, the other rests against the sliver of skin left visible by the old T-shirt she wears. It covers her abdomen, protecting the child it holds within. Their child. He leans over and kisses her tentatively on the lips. When she doesn’t move he kisses her again, and this time her lips come alive and she kisses him back.

He traces her lips with his tongue and when she parts them he enters her mouth. He pulls the covers away from her waist and takes his time kissing her, loving her. Slowly he slides his body over to cover her and her legs part so that he is able to settle easily into the cradle of her body. His hands slide up underneath her shirt and she raises her arms to aid him in removing it. Her bare chest now stares back at him and he takes a sensitive nipple into his mouth while his other hand caresses her breast. She moans and hisses above him, reveling in the pleasure-pain of his touch. Elliot continues down her body until he reaches her stomach and he leaves a reverent kiss there as her fingers thread through his hair. He continues his downward journey drawing her shorts and underwear down her long elegant legs. He kisses his way up the inside of her thigh stopping to taste her momentarily and already she’s soaking wet for him. He takes his time kissing his way back up her body. He reaches her mouth once again and her kiss is already waiting for him. Her fingers grip the hem of his T-shirt, and he aids her in removing it from his body. She grins up at him as she slowly draws her fingers down his bare chest. Her lips capture his once again while her fingers make quick work of the belt around his waist. She undoes the button and zipper to his jeans and she only pushes them down low enough for her feet to do the rest of the work. Once his erection is free he wastes no time entering her and pushes gently inside of her. Her sigh is music to his ears, and the fingers of both hands entwine as he begins to make love to her. His thrusts are firm and full of purpose, yet gentle and loving. She’s so tight around him and it’s as if her body is a live wire, and this is something that he’s missed. Something he never got to experience the first time she was pregnant with his child. He never got to experience the changes in her body, he never got to discover the newfound sensitivity of her skin, nerves, and every synapse. Never got to know what it was like to make love to her while she was pregnant with his child. He wraps his arms around her and pulls her close to him, wanting to be as close as possible to her. She holds him back. He whispers his love and adoration for her over her lips before his mouth makes love to her as his body moves inside hers. He feels her grip him as he continues to move and he can sense the desperation in her kiss. She comes easily without warning, and he follows right behind her, but when they’re done he doesn’t move. He simply lays connected with her and holds her, and she holds him back. Neither say a word; words need not be spoken in a moment as precious and profound as this. Their silence says enough.

*

Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months and their love seems stronger than ever. Elliot watches the nightly news in their bedroom when her phone buzzes beside him. He glances down briefly then turns his attention back to the news when something suddenly clicks. He picks up the phone and sure enough he did see correctly the first time.

Peter Noll: 

Congratulations on the baby! Can’t wait to see you.

Peter.

He enters in the code to her phone and scrolls through the messages. Each one makes his blood boil just a little bit more. He scrolls through her call history and her email and the more he finds the angrier he becomes. He hears her shower turn off and he quickly tosses the phone back into its previous spot and waits.

She comes out toweling her hair dry, another wrapped low around her waist leaving her growing abdomen and breast exposed.

“I think my boobs are already as big as they were when I was pregnant with Kayla. If they keep growing at this rate they might get twice as big as they were last time.” 

“Hmm,” he replies, and pretends the weather forecast for the upcoming week is more interesting.

“I also think I’ve already developed a bump. Wanna feel?” she asks and comes to stand before him.

“Maybe later,” he responds.

She stops toweling her hair dry and stares at him. Her left eyebrow arches and he knows that she knows something’s up. She walks over to her dresser and pulls on some clean underwear.

“So you going to tell me what your problem is, or are you just going sit there and brood all night?”

“How long have you been talking to Peter?”

She looks at him quizzically for a moment then it clicks. “You’ve been going through my phone?” She marches over and swipes her phone up off the bed.

“I was sitting here and you got a message and I saw it. Now answer the question.”

“I can’t believe you would violate my privacy-”

“We’re married. There’s no such thing as privacy.”

“Clearly.”

“You know what’s funny? Why aren’t you defending yourself? Why aren’t you telling me that I have nothing to worry about? Instead you’re sitting there trying to blame me like this is my fault.”

“Fine, Elliot, what do you want to know.”

“How long have you been talking to him?”

She looks away ashamedly. “We never stopped.”

“What? Olivia, you swore-”

“I know I did, but when I talked to him to explain the situation like I said I was going to do, he asked if we could remain friends. I didn’t see the harm in that.” She grabs his old USMC T-shirt from the night before and pulls it over her head then slips into a pair of pajama bottoms.

“See the harm? Olivia, you slept with him. You were sleeping with him. While we were still married.”

“That doesn’t mean I’m going to do it again. Why can’t you trust me? I trust you with Kathy.”

“Barely. You still won’t even allow her in our house. And how am I supposed to trust you when you’ve been lying to me this whole time?!”

“I haven’t been lying. I just didn’t tell you that we were still friends.”

“You told me you were going to stop talking to him, and you didn’t. That’s a lie. What else have you been keeping from me?”

“Nothing!” she yells throwing her hands up in exasperation.

“I don’t believe you.”

“What don’t you believe? What do you want to know? Ask me anything and I will tell you.”

“Have you been seeing him?”

She sits on her side of the bed and looks him in the eye. “We’ve met for lunch a few times.”

“How many?”

“I don’t know.”

“Has he been around Kayla?”

She looks away. “That one day when she got sick at daycare and they asked for one of us to pick her up.” 

“So you took our sick child with you on your date?”

“It wasn’t a date, and she wasn’t sick. She must have eaten something bad or gotten dizzy or something because she was fine when I picked her up. Playing and everything. I didn’t see the harm in bringing her with me to meet with him.” 

“You didn’t see the harm in bringing our child to meet with the man you cheated on me with?”

“That’s not fair. We were in a very bad place when I got with him.”

“And that’s supposed to excuse it? How long have you been seeing him?”

“Not long. Just these past few months.” He simply stares at her and the rage has been replaced by something else she can’t quite put her finger on. Something she doesn’t like. “What?”

“Just these past few months.”

“Yes.”

“So around the time you got pregnant.”

She eyes him skeptically, because he can’t be implying what she thinks he’s implying. “What are you trying to say?”

“Is that baby you’re carrying even mine?”

She draws in a deep breath as the pain from his words immediately assaults her heart. She looks away then stands and heads for the door.

“So you’re not even going to deny it?”

She says nothing and continues out the doorway down the hallway and then down the stairs. 

“Olivia!” he calls. He’s up off the bed and he reaches the end of the stairway to see the door close behind her.

*

Rain pours down in heavy waves, drenching her in the time it takes her to run from her parked car to the building. She’s lucky because she approaches just as someone is leaving, and slips in with ease. She takes the elevator and walks down the hall to the apartment of the friend she seems to need the most right now. After a couple knocks the door opens and the person on the other side smiles.

“Olivia? What are you doing here?”

Olivia tries to smile. Tries to quip back something smart or sarcastic, but just isn’t in her. Instead tears fill her eyes and her lower lip quivers. “Peter,” she manages to get out and she falls into his waiting arms.


	3. Chapter 3

Peter holds her close and pulls her into his apartment and closes the door behind her. “It’s going to be ok,” he tells her.

She pulls away and swipes away her tears. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s ok,” he takes in her drenched appearance. “Why don’t you go shower and try to get warm. Everything’s in the bathroom.” 

“Thanks. Which room is the bathroom?” 

“Oh you can use mine. Through that door on your left. Bathroom is on the other side of the room. I’ll grab some clothes for you to change into.”

She nods and disappears into his bedroom, crossing his carpeted floor quickly and entering the bathroom and closing the door behind her. She turns the shower on then peels off the soaked through USMC t-shirt and pajama bottoms. She grabs a washcloth from the cupboard and steps under the warm spray. She stands and allows the warm water to sluice over her chilled skin and warm her bones. Her hands caress her hardened abdomen and the tears seem to come in waves. She’s not sure how long she’s been standing there, but when the water starts to cool she quickly washes her hair then lathers up and rinses off. When she steps out of the shower a towel is waiting for her and her wet clothes are gone and have been replaced with a pair of his sweats and a T-shirt from his local gym. She pulls the clothes on and pulls the drawstring as tight as she can on the sweats. She towels her hair dry. He’s waiting for her on the bed when she steps out of the bathroom.

“Where should I put this?” she asks about the wet towel in her hands.

“Just toss it back into the bathroom. I’ll take care of it later.” 

She does as he says then takes the offered mug and sits beside him, Indian style. She takes a small sip and smiles at him. “Hot cocoa?”

“Always makes me feel better.” She smiles wanly and takes another sip. “So you going to tell me what happened?”

“I…we got into a fight.”

“I figured. What about?”

“You.”

“I figured that too. He saw my text?”

“Yea, and it just got out of hand,” she takes another sip of her cocoa.

“I’m so sorry. If I’d known-” 

“You’d what? Stop texting me. Stop calling? Leave me alone like I asked you to?”

“Don’t. This is not my fault. It’s not my fault you married a douchebag asshole, so don’t try to blame me for that.”

“But you-”

“I tried to be your friend, Olivia. That’s all. If I’d known he was going to see that text I never would have sent it. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to be the reason you get hurt. But I’m also not going to sit back and allow you to blame me for wanting to be your friend. You could have just ignored me.”

“I know,” she admits, because deep down inside she knows he’s right. If she really wanted to, she could have ignored him. “I’m sorry. I’m just-”

“Looking for someone to blame, I know. It’s ok… What else?”

“You know this is good cocoa. Where’d you get it?”

“Bullshit. It’s Swiss Miss, it’s good, but not that good. What aren’t you telling me?”

“I just…I just don’t want to talk about it right now. Can we just talk about something else? Please?”

“Fine. You want some whipped cream on that?”

“You’ve had whipped cream this whole time and now you’re asking me if I want some?”   
“Right…Be right back!”

*  
Olivia laughs as Peter continues his story animatedly.

“So, I’m like shit! What am I going to do? I have to go out the stall to get some toilet paper. So I peak through the slit and no one else seems to be there. I hobble out with my pants around my ankles and make it to the next stall. Only to find that this stall also has no toilet paper.”

Olivia laughs out loud, full and heartily.

“I make to try the last stall when this couple comes in. Hands groping. Moaning. The works. So I’m like shit this can’t get any worse? Then I hear her say something and I realize I actually know who this girl is. She was the girl I’d had a crush on all semester. We were in a couple of classes together, and really good friends. I was in love with her. We had finally hooked up the night before…and I thought…”

“Oh, Peter.”

“I was going to talk to her in class on Monday. But…So I just sat there. And listened. I couldn’t leave the stall because they would know, and I still had shit in my ass and no toilet paper. So I just sat there and listened to the girl I thought I was going to marry and grow old with bang some random asshole in the bathroom stall beside me.”

“Peter, I’m so sorry.”

“Yea. Seems like I always pick the wrong girl.”

Olivia holds his gaze for a few moments then quickly looks away. Their haze of laughter, joking, and fun now shattered by the harsh reality of what is.

“So umm… Are you going to tell me what really happened?”

Olivia stares at him quizzically. “What are you talking about?”

“Oh, don’t bullshit me, Olivia. Something happened between you and Elliot. Something serious enough to send you here to me at ten minutes to midnight.”

She stares away from his inquisitive green eyes and instead plays with a loose thread on his pillowcase.

“Liv…” he tries again softly.

“He asked me if the baby was his.”

“He what?” Peter roars. “Is he out of his fucking mind?” Olivia doesn’t say anything. “He thinks its mine, doesn’t he?”

Her nod is nearly imperceptible, but it’s there.

“Oh, Liv.”

“I don’t know what to do. How do I raise a child, two children at that, with someone who thinks that of me? That I would be so cunning and deceitful as to pass off another man’s child as his?”

“Olivia. He… he doesn’t know what he was saying. He was angry and upset, an-”

“And that’s supposed to excuse it?! What he said hurt me! And made me question everything. I mean. What am I doing in a relationship with a man that thinks that of me? What am I doing raising a child with him and planning to have another?”

“I’m a bit biased, so I may be the wrong person to ask.”

“Before I came here I just parked and sat in the car and thought. Peter…I can’t do this. I can’t have this baby.”

“Whoa. Hold on Liv, slow down. You’re going a bit far now.”

“Am I? I mean. With the way things are…I don’t want to be a single mom. I don’t think I can do it. There are days with Kayla where I think I might just lose it. To do it with two…”

“Olivia. If anyone can do this it’s you.”

“I just… I don’t want to do this alone.”

“Olivia…” He tilts her chin up and tucks a loose tendril behind her ear. “Do you really think that I would let you go through this alone?”

“Do you think I’m a bad person for thinking like this?”

“No. I don’t think you’re a bad person. I think you’re hurt, and scared, and confused.”

“But am I a bad mom for not wanting this baby anymore? For changing my mind about all of this.”

“No, but I think you’re wrong if you make this child pay for the sins of it’s father.” His words hit home in more ways than one, and she knows what her decision must be.

She sighs heavily and flops back against his pillows. “I’m a horrible mom.”

Peter takes each of her hands in his and pulls her to sit back up in front of him. “You’re the strongest, bravest, most beautiful amazing woman I’ve ever known. You’re not a horrible mom or a horrible person so don’t think that about yourself. You’ll figure this out. I have faith in you.” He reaches out and tucks a loose lock behind her ear then cups her face.

She rests a hand against his. “Thank you,” she says to him and kisses his palm. 

There’s a moment.

Her eyes lock on his, and his fall to her lips and before she can say anything his lips are on her. She tries to say his name in protest, but he uses the parting of her lips to slide his tongue into her mouth, and then…

She no longer wants to protest.

Her hormones are raging so she kisses him back and she can feel herself being lowered back down onto his pillows. He kisses her like he knows her, and really he already does. This isn’t their first time at this. He knows exactly how to kiss her. Exactly where to touch her. He knows what she likes, what she doesn’t, but his kiss isn’t his, and she finds that she misses the edginess of Elliot’s kiss. How he’d nip at her lips then soothe it with his tongue.

Elliot.

The man who she’s married to and about to cheat on. The man she loves. The man whose child she currently houses inside her, and as Peter’s hand caresses the skin of her abdomen, as his fingers trail down and near the edge of her panties she realizes she cannot do this. She can’t sleep with another man while she carries her husband’s child. She’s not a cheater. Never has been, and does not intend to be.

Her hand intercepts his just as his fingers are about to dip into her panties, and she gives him a firm yet gentle push. “I can’t,” she whispers against his lips as they exchange heated breaths. “This isn’t going to solve anything.”

Peter lets out a frustrated sigh and rests his forehead against hers. His hard on is firm against her hip. “I know,” he says and moves off of her “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m such an asshole. You came here looking for a friend and I…I’m sorry.”

“Peter-”

“It’s just that…I’m in love with you, Olivia.”

Oh boy. This is not going to end well.

“I’m in love with you, and you have no idea how many nights I’ve dreamed of this, and finally I have you here. With me. In my bed. And I can’t touch you. I can’t hold you. I can’t show you how much I love you because you belong to him.”

“Peter…”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have unloaded all that on you.” He reaches for the aerosol can on the small table beside his bed and tilts his head back before filling his mouth with whipped cream.

“Maybe I should go…”

“What? No. It’s late. You shouldn’t be out at this time of night.”

“I know, but it’s weird now and…”

“Look. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you. Just stay here. Sleep in my bed, I’ll take the couch.”

“No. Peter, I’m not going to kick you out of your own bed.”

“You’re pregnant. You need the bed more than I do.”

“Fine. But…will you stay with me? I don’t want to be alone.”

“Sure.”

He grabs some pillows and blankets and assembles a makeshift bed on the floor beside her side of the bed. They settle down and both lay and stare up at the ceiling.

“Can I ask you something?” he asks

“Sure.” She replies.

“Why do you stay with him?”

She doesn’t hesitate in her answer. “I love him. He’s my best friend. The father of my children. My family…He’s my husband.” 

Peter nods in understanding. “Love sucks.”

She fills her mouth with whipped cream. “You have no idea. Cream?”

“Yea, cream me,” he says before opening his mouth and allowing her to spray some in.

*

He remains awake for the remainder of the night, and is saddened when she does not return. He goes through their morning routine without her. Waking the kids up, dressing Kayla, and fixing breakfast. He returns home later that evening to find that she still has not returned. At least not permanently. His children have been fed, but Kayla is missing, and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know where she is. He’s called her a million times, and she has not answered any of his calls, returned any of his messages, or replied to any of his texts, and as he stays up for yet another night he feels himself beginning to worry. 

Because he can see a future He Does Not Like.

He can see himself living in a small apartment with his kids. He can see sharing custody of Kayla and the baby, seeing them every other weekend instead of everyday. He can see his wife healthy and happy with a man that is not him. Raising his children as if he’s their father, not him. It’s not a future he wants. It’s a future he’s hoped and prayed against.

He sits up in bed and he listens to the silence, and it’s disturbing because it’s not supposed to be this quiet. He’s supposed to hear quiet breathing as she sleeps beside him. He’s supposed to feel her warm body in his arms. 

He’s scared.

He’s always feared the unknown.

He was taught at a young age to be brave and to face his fears. He was taught to stand up and fight for what he believes in. 

He believes in them. 

He’s willing to fight for them. 

But he was never taught what to do when you lose that fight. Do you find a corner and lick your wounds in private, or gear up and prepare to fight another day? He was never taught how to deal when the one he loves leaves him. It hurt when Kathy did it. It damn near killed him when Olivia did. If she does again, he’s not sure if he will know how to survive.

He’s not sure if he will want to.

Then he hears it.

In the silence of the night and the quiet of their home he hears the front door open and the alarm sound. He listens as she punches in her code to disarm it. Hears her quiet footsteps as she walks up the stairs and down the hall. When they stop he freezes and he listens.

Listens.

Listens.

He hears his own heart beating in his chest. Her footsteps never reached their door, and he’s afraid they never will. He’s out of bed and at the door in seconds. He opens it to see her quietly closing their daughter’s door.

“Liv,” he says softly. She jumps at the sound of his voice and he wonders when the sound of his voice started scaring her.

“Not now,” she says.

“We need to talk about this.”

“Not now,” she replies and heads back down the hallway.

He’s hot on her heels. He reaches her at the bottom of the steps and turns her to face him. “At least tell me where you’re staying so that I know that you’re ok.” She avoids eyes and looks away from him. “Are you staying with Casey?” She still doesn’t answer and continues to stare, and he knows she’s hiding something from him, because their walls aren’t that interesting and then it dawns on him. “You’re kidding me! You’re staying with him? He’s the reason why we’re in this mess and you’re staying with him?! Dammit, Olivia!”

She turns angry eyes at him. “The last time I stayed with Casey it put her in the awkward situation where she had to chose between the two of us. We’re both her friends and it hurt her to be in such a place. I can’t do that to her again. I won’t do that that to her again. I’m sleeping on his couch and that’s all you need to know.”

“All I need to know-” She turns to leave and he follows behind her. “I’m your husband and that’s all you’re going to say to me.” She continues to walk towards the door with him right behind her. “Olivia, you walk out that door then don’t think about coming back.”

She looks at him with hallowed eyes then leaves him standing alone.

*

He’s late, but not too late. He’s timed it right, and he’s already seen her enter her OBGYN’s office. He needs to catch her at the right time so that she can’t run away from him again. He reads the name on the door and shakes his head. He’s still not a fan of Dr. Mark Phillips, but when it came to discussing a new OB, Olivia was having none of it. She was comfortable with Mark and he was who she wanted to deliver their baby. It wasn’t even up for discussion. About twenty minutes into her appointment, including waiting room time, he enters and allows the nurse to direct him into her examination room.

“Elliot! Olivia was just telling me that you wouldn’t be coming. Said you got caught up at work with something,” Dr. Mark Phillips smiles. 

Elliot plasters on a fake smile. That is, until he sees who is sitting beside her. 

Peter. 

He smiles at him. “Nice to see you again, Elliot. I figured I’d fill in for you since you couldn’t make it.”

“I managed to slip out,” Elliot supplies. He stares at his wife and her eyes beg and plead with him not to make a scene. He acquiesces. “I think I can take it from here.”

Peter turns to Olivia. “You going to be ok?” he asks her, and she nods awkwardly. “Call me if you need anything. I’ll see you later. Again Elliot, nice seeing you.” Elliot watches him leave then takes his rightful seat on the stool beside Olivia’s bed. She doesn’t even look at him.

“Alright,” Mark states, noticing that the tension in the room has gone from zero to one hundred in a matter of seconds. “Have there been anymore problems since I saw you the other night?”   
“No,” she shakes her head. 

“Good. I’m going to do a transvaginal ultrasound since we couldn’t see anything when I tried the other night. Hopefully we’ll be able to see the heart beat.”

Olivia smiles at him. The two parents sit in silence while he prepares the Doppler. Elliot eyes her skeptically. What happened the other night? Once the Doppler is slid into place all turn their attention to the monitor.

“Let’s see here,” Mark says as he gazes at the screen in front of him “…Wow. And it looks like you’re having twins!” He exclaims.

“Nice try Mark. You tried to trick us with that last time,” Olivia replies, slightly amused.

“Did I? I’ve got to find myself some new material,” he smiles and looks at the screen. “Actually…” he points to the monitor. “That’s your baby’s heartbeat. And right here,” he points again. “Is your other baby’s heartbeat. Congratulations.” He smiles at them.

“What?” she sits up on her hunches and stares at the screen.

“Twins. Congrats.”

She smiles wanly. “Thanks.”

Elliot watches on as he sees the flicker on the screen before him. His children’s hearts beat before him as they grow inside her. Slowly he reaches up and entangles his fingers with hers. “Can we hear them?” he asks.

“Sure.” He turns on the speaker and light rapid heartbeats fill the room. “Sounds strong. From the looks of things Olivia, you’re doing great for twelve weeks”

“And you’re sure everything’s ok?” Olivia asks.

He turns back to screen and looks again and Olivia uses this moment to pull her hand away from Elliot’s. Elliot stares at their separated fingers, his eyes fixated on his wedding band. “Everything’s good. Really good. Would you guys like a picture?” He asks and spins back around, none the wiser to the turmoil brewing in his own exam room.

“Please,” Olivia requests. 

“Alright I’ll print a couple out. That way you can have one on your fridge and other one at work.” He removes the probe and puts the machine back in its place. “You can pick them up at the front desk when you go to make your next appointment. Now I want you to keep up with the folic acid and the vitamins I prescribed for you, and No Stress. We’re going to be taking it easy right? 

“Right,” she answers.

“I’ll see you in a couple weeks, ok?”

“Ok,” she replies. Once he’s gone she quickly hops off the table and changes out of her hospital gown and back into her clothes. 

“What happened the other night?”

She doesn’t answer him.

“Olivia,” he probes.

“Nothing. I had some cramping. Peter brought me to the hospital.”

“Peter? Why didn’t you call me?”

“Didn’t think you’d care about a baby that wasn’t yours.”

He sighs. That comment is going to forever come around a bite him in the ass. “Olivia,” he tries again. He watches her and the reality of their situation hits him and he knows he’s got to fix this. “So are you just going to keep on avoiding me?”

“I don’t have anything to say, Elliot,” she tells him as she buttons her pants.

“Olivia, we’re about to have two babies, we can’t bring them into this mess.”

“Oh, so now you think they’re yours?”

“I never…I-I’m sorry Olivia.”

“I’m sorry??? You accused me of cheating on you and trying to pass off another man’s child as yours. Me. Your wife. The woman you’ve known for over ten years. I mean, is that what you really think of me?”   
“No! Liv, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.”

“Yea me too Elliot, but I’m not going to just ignore this one. And I’m tired of hearing your sorries. I don’t. I don’t want to do this anymore!” she yells and throws her hands up in frustration.

“So what does that mean?” he asks.

“I don’t know. But I’m tired El,” she says and turns sorrow-filled eyes at him. “I’m tired of the I’m sorries. I’m tired of the fights. I’m tired of trying to care anymore, of trying to fight for this. I can’t. I just…I can’t do this anymore Elliot. It’s killing me.”

Her words scare him, because he knows he’s pushed her so close to the edge that she’s teetering and giving up on keeping her balance, and he’s afraid that he might not be able to stop her from falling. “So what? You’re just going to give up. Move on with him?” He thumbs back towards the door.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do. But I think I need some time to think this through.”

“We still have a counseling appointment scheduled for tomorrow. I’m going to be there. I’m asking that you show up too so that we can talk this through. I think having a mediator will help.”

“You really think we can fix this in an hour long session? Elliot, we are so fucked up!”

“I know. But no matter what’s happened I still think we can fix this. Please just show up.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for kudos! I see some of you have yet to check out the prequels. If you ever find yourself confused about anything, just read them. Especially The First Year. Most of the info is there. Thank you all for reading and please let me know your thoughts. =)

She shows up. He sits anxiously for a full three minutes before she does, but he’s grateful when he sees her. She doesn’t say a word to him. She doesn’t sit beside him. She doesn’t even look at him. He hasn’t seen her since the doctor’s office the day before. She has spent yet another night at Peter’s. Dr. Pekoe calls them into her office and they both sit at separate ends of the couch. 

Dr. Pekoe takes note as she begins their session. “I see we’re back to separate ends of the couch.” Neither of them say a word and Dr. Pekoe realizes that it’s going to be one of those sessions. She also realizes that if she doesn’t get the ball rolling it will never move. “So does either of you want to tell me what’s up?” Again neither of them answer. “You guys were doing very well when we met last week. So, what’s happened since then?”

“You want to tell her or should I?” Elliot asks. Olivia doesn’t say a word. “Fine then. Olivia’s been seeing Peter behind my back. I found out when he texted her to congratulate her on the babies.”

“Babies? You guys are having twins?”

“Found out yesterday,” Olivia supplies softly.

“Congratulations.”

“Thank you,” she replies.

“So you’ve started seeing Peter again?”

“Not in the way Elliot makes it seem. We’re just friends.”

“And you kept that from me.”

“Because you wouldn’t understand!”

“Because you promised me. Promised me right here in this office right here in front of Dr. Pekoe that you would stop talking to him. That you would cut off all communication with him and you didn’t. You lied.”

“I withheld information.”

“No, you lied!”

“Well, if it makes you feel better, fine! I lied!! Are you happy now?! Is that what you want to hear?”

“No, what would make me happy is if you stopped pretending that what you have with him is innocent. For God’s sake you brought him to your OB appointment.”

“I didn’t think you were going to show up and I didn’t want to be alone. He offered to come with me, and he was the perfect gentleman the whole time.”

“Yea, because he’s trying to get into your pants.”

“You think I’m that easy, don’t you?”

“He didn’t have to work very hard the last time.”

Her eyes flash with pain then quickly turn to rage. “I can’t believe this. I’m out of here,” she grabs her purse and makes to leave, but Dr. Pekoe stops her.

“Olivia, take a seat. We need to work through this. Elliot, why does Olivia’s friendship with Peter bother you so much? Do you think she’s lying when she says he’s just a friend?”

“No. I believe her.”

“Then what’s the issue? You seem to harbor some serious resentment towards him. More than just any old ex-boyfriend or the like. What is it about Peter that bothers you so much?” Elliot is quiet for a long time and when he doesn’t say anything Dr. Pekoe prods him some more. “Elliot. Tell her how you feel.”

He turns to Olivia. “I feel like you have a bond with him. And it scares me, because I feel like the bond you have with him is deeper than the one you have with me. Stronger than what we have and that scares the shit outta me. Because I know something had to be there for you to sleep with him the first time. And something has to be there now for you to be friends with him and hide it from me. Something that makes you feel the need to hide it from me.”

“Olivia, how do you feel about Peter?” Dr. Pekoe asks.

“He’s just a really good friend. He’s someone I feel like I can talk to, and I need that.”

“You don’t feel like you can talk to your husband?”

“Sometimes I do. Most times I don’t.”

“Why?”

“Because he makes me feel…inadequate. Like I’m doing everything wrong. Like I’m still not good enough for him or stupid.”

“When have I ever made you feel like that?” Elliot asks dubiously. 

“Like when I mentioned us starting to potty train Kayla. You completely wrote me off like I was an idiot for suggesting such a thing.”

“That’s because she’s two.”

“Which is a perfect age according to the books I’ve read-” 

“Books,” Elliot scoffs.

“See. You say condescending shit like that, and expect me not to be offended.”

“Look. Kathy and I tried it with Maureen when she was about Kayla’s age. It didn’t work. She wet herself all the time and it was just a hassle and a mess. We waited until she was a little bit older and could understand better what we were trying to do and she got it with very little trouble. We waited till the other three were the same age, and we did it with very little problems. I just thought we should wait a bit. That’s all I was saying.”

“And I’m not Kathy, and Kayla isn’t Maureen or any of your other kids. The least you could do was agree to try it. With me. Your wife. Not Kathy. It was something we could have handled together. As parents to our daughter. But no, instead you belittled me and completely wrote me off. Well guess what? I went ahead with it anyway. She’s been diaper-less for almost two weeks now, and we’ve only had two incidents.” 

“No,” he shakes his head. Confused about what he is hearing. “I dressed her the other day. She had a diaper on.”

“I put it on her because she didn’t have a chance to go before bed that night and I knew she would end up having an accident. I called ahead to the day care center that day and had them take off the diaper you put on her. They say she’s been doing fine with the training the whole time.”

“Well, I guess I was wrong. But you know. I feel like I can’t talk to you either. I feel like everything I say to you gets taken the wrong way or blown up out of proportion. When we were partners I used to be able to say anything to you, and now I feel like I have to screen my sentences and have them proofread before I can say them to you.”

 

“Elliot, when we were partners the things you said hurt then just as they do now, except now they hurt more because I’m your wife. Back then you were just my partner. That was it. We couldn’t fight all the time because we needed to get along. I needed to be able to trust that you would have my back and you needed to be able to trust that I would have yours. But then I could go home. Pour myself a glass of wine and try to get over it. Or go out with someone to help me forget. But at home you’re there. We share a room. A bed. I don’t get the option of just ignoring you anymore. I don’t want to and I shouldn’t have to. Your words hurt me, and you’re my husband. You’re supposed to be the person I turn to after a bad day, but I can’t because all you seem to do is add to it. Sometimes I feel like I’m back in high school living with my mom and being abused in my own home. I used to feel safe with you and now I don’t anymore.

“Is that why you keep turning to him instead of me?”

“Yes.”

“Well, it needs to stop. I’m your husband and this is something that we need to work through. You should be turning to me. You shouldn’t be replacing me with him.”

“I need him. I need someone to talk to who understands me. Who will just listen to me.”

“I will listen.”

“No you don’t. You never listen.”

“I admit I’m not always the most supportive or attentive, but that doesn’t mean that you can just stop talking to me and talk to him!”

“Why not? He actually listens and considers what I have to say and what I’m feeling.”

“He’s just playing you! God Olivia, don’t you see that all he wants is to fuck you and be on his way!”

“Elliot, you say that one more time,” she warns.

“It’s true. He said exactly what you wanted to hear the first time, and you fell for it.”

“That’s not what happened. But you know what, if it makes you feel better keep on believing it, because I know otherwise.”

“Yea, and how do you know?” he patronizes.

“Don’t worry about it. That will remain between me and him.”

“Elliot,” Dr. Pekoe chimes in. She can see that this session is quickly circling the drain. “What would you like from Olivia? Would you like her to be more honest about meeting up with Peter?”

“No, I’d like her to stop seeing him all together.”

“That’s not going to happen,” Olivia tells him stubbornly. “He’s my friend, and it’s going to stay that way.”

“The hell it’s not. I can’t believe you actually think this is ok. This is a man you cheated on me with!”

“We were getting a divorce,” Olivia says, her tone tinged with annoyance.

“Oh, I’m sick of that excuse. If we were getting a divorce then why the hell are we here now?”

“You know what, I’ve been asking myself that same question for a long time now. Thank you for reminding me why.” She grabs her purse and angrily leaves the room, slamming the door behind her. 

“So…was that worth it?” Dr. Pekoe asks.

“Worth what?”

“Your marriage.”

Elliot remains in his seat dumbfounded. Could what he said really cost him his marriage?

“Elliot, I’ve watched you two come in here week after week and honestly I’ve never had a couple that has fought harder for their marriage than the two of you, but sometimes it’s like one step forward and ten steps back!” She sighs. “You need to listen to your wife, Elliot, and think about what you’re about to say before you say it to her. Otherwise… there’s no hope for your marriage at all.”

*

Later that night he waits for her to return home. She picked up Kayla and said that she would drop her back off later. Once again he hears her enter and while part of him wants to race to her and beg her to talk to him and forgive him. He knows she needs her space. He’s surprised when she hesitantly enters their bedroom.

“I just need some clothes for tomorrow,” she says when she sees that he is still awake. 

He nods and watches her remove dirty clothes from her overnight bag and search for new ones, and realizes this is an opportunity he just can’t pass up. “Liv, can we talk?”

“Not now, Elliot. I’m hungry, and I’m tired, and really the stress isn’t good for the babies. Mark said I need to take it easy. Maybe tomorrow. I just want to go home, eat and, get to bed.”

“I thought this was your home.”

She rolls her eyes at the slip. “You know what I mean.”

“You know there’s still some leftovers downstairs. We can talk while you eat.”

“That’s ok. Peter cooked, and he’s waiting up for me. Besides I’m not in the mood for a fight. 

This guy can cook too? How am I supposed to compete with this guy?

“I don’t want to fight Liv, I just want to talk,” he says instead. 

She sighs tiredly and uses both hands to rub the sleep from her eyes. “Can we please just do this tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow might be too late.” 

She sighs exasperatedly. “Elliot. For the millionth time I’m just sleeping on his couch. Nothing is going on between us.”

“I know. I believe you.” She turns and looks at him skeptically. “Please, just sit down so we can talk. I have some things that I want to say.” She sighs once again, but gives in and takes a seat on her side of the bed. “I want to say I’m sorry. For doubting you. For accusing you of being unfaithful. For questioning the babies’ paternity. I know you would never do that and it was wrong of me to even think such a thing. For everything. I just want to say I’m sorry.” 

She nods. “I’ve actually been doing some thinking. I really listened to what you had to say this afternoon and I think maybe we jumped into all this too quickly. I mean we dated for a few months. Broke up. Had a baby. Then got married. It all happened too fast, and I think maybe it’s the reason why we’ve been struggling so much. We never had the chance to really get to know each other and what we’re like outside of the job. I need to learn how to be your wife. How not to take things so personally and maybe build some tougher skin or something. And you need to learn how to be my husband. So I’ve been thinking and maybe it would be best if we spent some time apart. The tenant in my old apartment has given notice so maybe I can move in there for a little bit and we can just work it out from there. Get to know each other again.”

“No,” Elliot says without hesitation.

“El-”

“I said no. Us being apart is not going to help Liv. It’s only going to make things worse. You’re going to move there and he’s going to be over there and…and no.”

“Elliot, I swear to you that we are just. Friends. Nothing has or is going to happen.”

“It will. If you move out of here it will happen. I know it will. You’re…rel-frienship with him scares me. Because whether you realize it or not, you’re building a bond with him. And at some point that bond will become so strong that it will become something more than physical and I know that at that point I’ll lose you. I can’t fight something like that. That’s why I don’t want you to see him. Because I’m afraid that you’re going to fall in love with him and he’s going to steal you away from me.”

“Elliot-that’s not. It’s not-”

“It will. So I’m asking you to give this marriage a fighting a chance. Please stop seeing him. Stop talking to him. Stop having lunch with him, just stop. Everything. We have two babies on the way, and we need to try and make this work. We can’t have them born into this mess.”

“So is that it? You want me because I’m pregnant?”

“I want you because I love you, Olivia, and when you’re not here I miss you, and I just. I just want to be with you.”

 

“I’m going to stay with Peter until the tenant moves out and I’m going to take Kayla with me. I won’t keep her from you, so you can come see her whenever you want. I’ll come get our stuff this weekend.”

She stands and heads for the door.

“Liv,” he chokes and he can’t keep his tears from spilling over his eyelids.

She pauses at the doorway and looks at him with sad eyes. “It’s for the best,” she says, and then she’s gone.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading. If anyone has the story Atlantis by Lyricara, would you please let me know? I've been trying to hunt down this story for what seems like forever!

He doesn’t like their new arrangement, but he doesn’t seem to have a choice in the matter. That had been made clear when he refused to help her move out, but Peter had come to her rescue and grinned at him as he packed her boxes into the back of the rented pick-up. She’s no longer staying with Peter, which is something he’s happy about, but he still doesn’t like the fact that she no longer shares a home or bed with him, though it has done wonders for their relationship. He guesses absence does make the heart grow fonder, because their arguments and the constant tension between them has decreased considerably. But he still hates that when he goes to her apartment, Peter is often there. Laughing with her. Joking with her. Making the wedge between him and his wife larger and larger with each passing day. 

She still comes over most days and helps him with his kids. Making dinner, checking homework, laundry, and the works. He likes it when she’s there, but every night when she leaves and takes their daughter with her he feels his heart break into a million pieces. He wishes he could at least spend nights with her at her place, but someone must stay at the house with Liz and Rick.

As she settles over him and begins to move, he realizes that their relationship is more like they are boyfriend and girlfriend. Not husband and wife, and he doesn’t like it. Moreover, he doesn’t like the relationship she has with Peter. He sees it grow stronger as the days go by, and in response theirs grows weaker.

Her eyes lock with his and her pace quickens. There is no depth to their relationship. They don’t discuss anything as husband and wife. What she should make for dinner. Is there anything he wants her to get at the store. Who will drop Kayla off at daycare. They don’t discuss their feelings or anything substantial, and he doesn’t see how they can fix their problems if they never discuss them. 

One hand massages her breast while the other brushes over her clit causing her to moan above him, and he feels a tightening in his ball sack. She’s been insatiable lately, and he tries not to, but he often finds his mind wondering into dangerous territory when it comes to this. Her hormones are out of whack, he knows this, the mood swings have made that very clear. But he wonders if she thinks about him when she makes love to him. If she closes her eyes to see his face better. He wonders if she is using him to satisfy her needs without the guilt. It’s not wrong if you fuck your own husband right? Even if you wish he was someone else.

Her head tilts back and he can feel her tightening around him. Her hips move even faster and she braces herself on his chest. She comes hard around him, and he follows suit behind her. She collapses onto his chest for a moment then rolls onto her back, pulling the sheet up around her. 

They lay in silence for awhile as they wait for their breaths to even out. She glances at the clock and moves to get up, but he stops her with an arm around her waist. “Why don’t you just spend the night?”

“I can’t. None of my clothes here fit me. All my stretchy pants are at home.”

He rolls on top of her and kisses her neck. “This is your home.”

She moans softly. “Can you drop Kayla off for me in the morning? It’s late and I don’t want to wake her.”

“Will you stay if I say yes?” he mumbles against her heated skin.

“El, I can’t.” She tries to push him back, but he doesn’t budge.

“Stay,” he says and slides two fingers inside of her. “I can make it worth your while,” he says and covers her lips with his own. She kisses him back with equal fervor and her arms wrap around his neck.

“Elliot,” she moans, and spreads her legs further apart. 

He settles inside of her without any issue. He starts to move and her eyes flutter closed. He kisses each eyelid. “Stay with me.”

“I am,” she moans.

“Open your eyes.”

She smiles. “Why?”

“I want to see your eyes.”

She opens them and eyes him skeptically. “Stop,” she tells him with a hand against his chest.

He stops immediately. “What? Am I hurting you? Did I do something wrong?” he asks panicked.

“What are you thinking?”

He forgot she could read him like a book.

He sighs. “I don’t want you thinking about him when we’re making love.”

She shoves him hard making fall over on the other side of her. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

“Olivia, wait-”

But she’s off the bed and scooping her clothes off the floor. “No! No. I can’t believe you. Here I have this great guy who is in love with me. In love with me. Wants to be with me, and I can’t be with him. Because I had to fall in love with and then marry the cheating bastard that thinks I’m some lying deceptive whore. I mean. Who the hell do you think I am? Is that the me you think you married? If so why did you even marry me? Why are we even doing this!?”

“He’s in love with you?”

She yanks her shirt over her head. “Yea. He’s in love with me.”

“He told you this?”

“Yes, he did.”

“And what did you say?” he’s off the bed and pulling on his boxers.

“Nothing.”

“What do you mean nothing? Did you sleep with him?”

“No. I did not.”

She stands before him, primed and ready to fight and defend her honor, but her eyes betray her. “But you wanted to,” he sighs and sits back on the bed with his head in hands.

“I did. But not for the reasons you think. I wanted sex. I wanted to make love with you, but when I came onto you that night you accused me of trying to pass of his baby as yours.”

“So what happened?”

“We talked. We kissed. I stopped it before it went any further.”

“And you wonder why I have a problem with you hanging out with him.”

“I guess that’s just something you’re going to have to deal with.” She turns to leave, but pauses in the doorway. “Don’t forget you’re dropping your daughter off in the morning,” and with that she’s gone.

*

He watches her all the time. He watches her smile fade a little bit each day. He watches her abdomen grow with their children. He watches her interact with their other children. He watches her helping Rick with his math or reading over Lizzie’s papers. He watches her color with Kayla. She’s quiet these days, only saying what needs to be said and nothing more. Though she spends more time at their home, but he can still feel her pulling away from him, and the distance is killing him. They have not discussed their latest fight, and it is just another elephant in the room that is their marriage. They haven’t made love since that night, and she’s shunned all his other advances to get close to her. She’s made it clear she doesn’t want him to touch her. He wishes he could find a way to fix this, but it’s not something he can fix on his own. He reaching out for her, but he needs her to reach back. What scares him most is that he does not see any end in sight for their current predicament. She’s making plans to bring the babies back to her apartment when they are born, and it’s not something he planned on. Its not something that he wants. He wants her here. In their home. Helping him raise their family, but he can’t push the issue because she will only push back and it will be one more issue for them to overcome. What also scares him is that he’s starting to grow accustomed to her absence. He no longer wakes up in the middle of the night when he discovers her side of the bed is empty. He no longer makes an effort to put his dirty clothes in the basket and he doesn’t care when his wet towel is left on the bed. He likes washing dishes. It gives him time to clear his mind, and according to his kids, his cooking is getting better. He’s not sure if this is a good thing, but he no longer needs the sound of her breathing to lull him to sleep.

Tonight he watches her spoon apple sauce onto a vanilla wafer and grimaces when she sticks the whole thing into her mouth. 

“That’s disgusting.”

She chuckles and mumbles “Shut up,” with a mouth full of cookie. 

They’re watching the local news and he doesn’t know what causes him to do it, but he lays his head in her lap and is surprised that she doesn’t push him away. After awhile her fingers thread through his hair and he relaxes as she massages his scalp. He feels crumbs fall over his face as she prepares yet another applesauced cookie. Along with hormones, have come the cravings, and basically she’ll eat anything covered in honey mustard. Two large bottles of Ken’s Honey Mustard sit unopened in the cupboard. Another half-used bottle that they just bought the week before sits in the fridge. He rolls over and faces her growing stomach. “Hi guys,” he says to them. He pauses and looks up at her. “Are you really planning on staying in your apartment after the babies are born?”

She sighs, “Elliot. Let’s not do this. Not tonight. We were just having a good time. I don’t want to fight right now.”

He sits up and looks her in the eye. “I don’t want to fight either, but I also don’t want you raising our children in some tiny little apartment when we have this house here. I mean isn’t that why we bought it? So we would have some place to raise our family?” 

She sighs. “Where would we put them? There’s no room here.”

“Yes there is.”

“Where?”

“The basement.”

She merely glares at him.

“Look I’ve been thinking and I’ve been working with one of my buddies on some blue prints.” He pulls out a blank piece of paper, a pen and starts drawing. “We sell most of the junk down there and build a small storage room with ceiling shelves and everything and we store stuff down there. We corner off the washer, dryer, and make a small wash room, and then corner off the furnace and water heater. The rest of the room we turn into a small bedroom and we give it to Lizzie.” 

“Yea, she’s going to love that,” she scoffs.

“It’s her own room with her own space. Why wouldn’t she like it?”

“She’s your daughter, Elliot,” she mocks. “All I know is you’re going to be the one to break it to her.”

“That’s fine.” He watches her load another cookie with applesauce. “So um. How’ve you been. How,” he clears his throat, “How was your day?” 

“It was fine,” she answers then she’s quiet again.

“That’s it. Just fine. Nothing at all happened?”

“Elliot, I don’t really feel like talking about work ok?”

“Ok,” he nods. “Is there something else you would like to talk about?”

“Not really.”

“Are you ever going to talk to me, Olivia?” At her silence he continues. “Liv, you gotta talk to me sometime.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?” 

She shrugs. “I just…I don’t know how to talk to you anymore.”

“But you know how to talk to him.”

“This is why! This is why I can’t talk to you!!!”

“You can’t talk to me because what I say is the truth? You can’t talk to me because you go to him with our issues. With things you should be talking to me about.”

“I go to him because I can’t come to you. Because I can’t say anything to you without it being thrown back in my face or or or you reading something into it that is completely out of context and not even what I meant!”

“I acknowledge that this is a problem that both of us have, but how are we supposed to fix it if you don’t talk to me. We have to work through this together.”

Once again she’s quiet. She finishes her bowl of applesauce and places it on her nightstand beside the box of cookies and stares unblinking at the television screen in front of them. He takes the remote and turns it off, but she continues to stare as though it’s still on. He moves around to her side of the bed in an effort to get her to look at him. “Olivia, I need you to try and work this out with me or…or I need you to let me go.”

That gets her attention, “Are you giving me an ultimatum? Because-”

“No,” he says softly and takes her hand in his, kisses her knuckles then lets it go. “Olivia, I see you growing closer and closer to him every day.”

“Elliot, we’re just-”

“Can you tell me that I have nothing to worry about?” She moves to answer him. “No, really, think before you answer. Can you tell me that I have absolutely nothing to worry about. That you have absolutely no feelings for him. That you aren’t falling in love with him. Because if you can then I’ll let this go. You can be friends with him and hang out all you want and I won’t say a thing.”

Her eyes well with tears. “Elliot,” she reaches for his hand but he shuns her advances.

“I need you to let me go. Let’s end this now because loving you-” his voice hitches. “Watching you fall for another man is killing me, and I can’t do it anymore. I can’t. So please. Just let me know now so I can go my way and you can go yours.” He stands and heads for the door.

“Elliot.”

“It’s getting late. You should get going. I’ll get Kayla ready for you.”

 

*

“So wait, you end up pregnant with more babies than you expected and I lose my room?”

“Your new room is going to be great. Your brother and I are going to build it ourselves.”

“This is so unfair! I shouldn’t have to give up my room just because you couldn’t-”

He can see the flare in his daughter’s nostrils and the fire blaze in her blue eyes, and he knows the ending to her sentence. “I think you may want to think before you finish that sentence,” he warns cutting her off.

“This is just unfair.”

He wraps his arm around his daughter’s shoulders. “It’ll be fine I promise. You’ll like it.”

Elizabeth stares at her father with worry in her eyes.

*

Olivia finishes slicing up some tomatoes and places them on top of the bowl of lettuce. Lizzie bounces down the stairs and heads towards the kitchen almost tripping over and then ruffling Kayla’s hair as she passes by. The little girl lays in the middle of the kitchen floor using her pink sparkle crayon to color in Aurora’s dress and then her face.

“Why’s she in the middle of the floor?”

Olivia looks down and rolls her eyes. “Because every time I move her to a table she winds up back over here and I’m too fat and lazy to keep moving her back.” Elizabeth chuckles to herself and opens the freezer. “No Olivia, you’re not fat. You’re beautiful. You haven’t gained a pound.” Lizzie stares at her as if she’s finally lost it. “Don’t you know you’re supposed to tell pregnant women that.”

Lizzie giggles. “ Liv, you haven’t gained a pound,” Liz says mockingly. Unable to keep a straight face.

“Thanks. You’re so convincing,” Olivia deadpans. 

“Hey, I tried. Ooo! Ice cream!!!” she squeals and reaches for the carton.

“Nope. Dinner’s almost ready. Your father requested meatloaf, which neither you nor your sister seem to like so I also made some baked macaroni and cheese as well. That ok with you?”

“Yea that’s fine. Can I at least have a fruit bar, I’m starving and Dad’s not even home yet.”

“It’s just us tonight. Your father already called and said that he’s going to be working late. And no. I just finished the salad so we’re going to be sitting down in a minute. Can you call your brother and set the table?”

“Sure. Dickie!!!!” she bellows. “Olivia said to come down and set the table!!!!” Olivia glares at her. “What? Ever since he came back from boot camp he’s been on this helpful obedience trip. Might as well put it to good use right?” Olivia places a hand on her hip and continues to stare. Lizzie rolls her eyes. “Fine. I’ll get the plates. So are you spending the night again tonight? I saw your bag in the living room.”

“Yea that’s the plan.”

“Why don’t you just move back here? You sleep here almost every night now.”

“I don’t think your father and I are ready for that.”

Lizzie stares at her confusedly. “Aren’t you guys married? With a kid? And two more on the way???”

“Lizzie, it’s not that simple.”

“You sound just like Dad. Is this about that Peter guy?”

Olivia’s eyes widen. “How do you know about Peter?”

“Thin walls. You may want to do something about that. Especially if you don’t want to scar your children for life. I mean, Dickie and I already heard the birds and the bees talk from Mom, but still there are something you just shouldn’t know about your parents.” Olivia can’t hide the blush that climbs up her neck as she stares at the young girl in abject horror, unable to hide her shock or the blush climbing her neck. “So, are you sleeping with him?”

Olivia blinks back to reality with the question. “No!!! Lizzie! Where did you get that from?”

“I just don’t get why Dad would be so up in arms about him otherwise.”

“We’re friends. That’s all.”

“And there’s nothing else going on between you two?”

Olivia can’t help but smile at how much the young girl looks like her father in interrogation mode. “No. Did your father ask you to interrogate me?” 

“No. I decided to do that on my own. So what’s going on with you two? You and Dad were doing fine until he came into the picture.”

“Liz…Your dad…Your dad can be a bit overprotective and territorial. He doesn’t like Peter because he feels that he’s taking something that belongs to him.”

“What?”

“Me. Your Dad thinks he’s losing me.”

“Is he?”

Olivia sighs. “Not because of Peter. Now get out of the fridge. You’re burning current.”

“Well, if you ask me this is all stupid. You guys belong together, so it would be great for all of us if you two would just get it together.”

“We’re working on it, ok?” Olivia finishes decorating her salad then heads towards the fridge to put the ingredients away. As she bends down to put the lettuce in the crisper she notices something odd. “Hey Liz, did you step on something?”

“No, why?” Lizzie answers absently as she counts the number of plates in her hand.

“Because there’s blood on the floor.”

Lizzie shrugs. “My foot’s fine. Although I did step on a Lego when I was coming down the stairs. For a few seconds there I thought I was going to die.”

“You’re so dramatic.” 

“That’s how Dad described it the last time he stepped on one. I thought Dickie had to keep those in his room.”

“He does, but sometimes he lets your sister play with them.”

“Aren’t those for kids ages three and up.”

“She knows not to put Legos in her mouth. Let me see your foot.” Elizabeth shows Olivia her socked feet. Both are still white and show no signs of injury, but as Olivia stares she notices another drop of blood by the girl’s feet and then another falls close by. Elizabeth also notices it too and quickly draws her sleeve down over her arm. Olivia straightens and stares into fearful, tear-filled eyes. “Sweetie, let me see your arm.”

“It was an accident I must have hit it on something or or or-”

Olivia carefully takes the girl’s arm. She rolls up the girl’s drenched sleeve and despite all the blood she can see the perfectly lined horizontal slits made in the girl’s upper arm. “It’s ok,” she reassures the frightened girl. “It’s going to be ok.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

Elliot races down the hall and spots his wife in the waiting room. “What’s going on? What happened?” he asks, slightly out of breath.

“I’m not really sure. I’m not her mother, so they’re not really telling me anything. Kathy Kathleen and Rick are in there with her now.”

“Ok, I’m going in. Are you ok? Where’s Kayla?”

“Casey came and picked her up. And I’m fine. Go, be with your daughter. She needs you. I’ll be out here if you need me.” 

“Ok. I love you,” he says and kisses her cheek.

“Love you too,” she replies and watches him go.

*

Hours later, she still sits in the waiting room, Elliot’s hand held firmly in hers. Kathleen sits on the other side of her father. Lizzie has been talking with the psychiatrist now for hours. Kathy paces the waiting room, the stress and exhaustion evident on her face.

“How’re you doing?” Elliot asks.

“We’re fine,” Olivia answers and rubs a hand over her growing abdomen.

“It’s late. Maybe you should go home and get some rest.”

“No El, I want to be here for you.”

He doesn’t argue with her because he wants her here with him too. He glances up and watches the woman he once referred to as his wife and loved more than all else. “Kath, you ok?”

“No, Elliot! How can I be? How can you? You’re sitting there all calm cool and collected while our baby,” her voice cracks and then tears flow. “I’m scared.”

He goes over and pulls her into his arms. “I know,” he whispers and holds her tight.

The doctor emerges from Elizabeth’s room and approaches the parents. “There’s no need to worry, your daughter is fine. We’re going to keep her here under a seventy-two hour psych watch. I suggest you all go home and get some rest and we’ll talk about this some more in the morning.”

“I want to stay with her,” Kathy tells them. 

“That’s fine. I’ll see you all for our family session tomorrow morning?”

“Yes, we’ll be there,” Elliot answers.

“Very good,” she replies and heads over to the nurses station.

“Can you take Kathleen home with you?” Kathy asks Elliot.

“Mom, I can just take the car,” Kathleen interjects.

“No,” Kathy says. “I don’t want you staying in the house by yourself.”

“It’s late, so I think it’s best if she just spends the night with us. She can sleep in Lizzie’s room,” Elliot offers.

“Alright. She has school in the morning.”

“We’ll make sure she gets there.”

“Thank you,” Kathy tells him.

“You’re welcome,” he replies. “See you tomorrow. Let me know if you need anything.”

“I will,” she says and hugs him one last time. 

He watches her go back into the room. “Liv, why don’t you and Kathleen go bring the car around. I’ll be right there.”

Olivia nods, understanding everything he doesn’t say, and leaves with the young woman. Once he is sure they are out of earshot, he turns back to the psychiatrist. “I know you don’t do seventy-two hour holds for minor cuts like that. So what’s really going on? Do you think my daughter is a danger to herself or others?

“Yes.”

“Well, I have a two-year-old at home, so which is it?”

“Right now, your daughter needs a small reprieve from her reality. That’s all I’m willing to discuss right now without her being present. I’ll see you tomorrow Mr. Stabler.”

*

Kathy sits in the waiting room of the psychiatrist’s office and waits for Elliot to arrive. She thinks over the past twenty-four hours and the exhaustion that plagues her. She didn’t sleep last night. Instead she stood vigil over her youngest daughter, afraid that if she allowed her eyes to close something would happen. She would miss something critical in the young girl’s life and she wouldn’t be able to help her. Save her. She was the mother, it was her duty to protect her child, and she had failed. Miserably. Because her daughter had been broken, hurting, and she hadn’t noticed. She had needed someone to listen, and she hadn’t heard her. Someone to talk to, and she hadn’t lent her ear. Someone to notice, and she hadn’t paid attention. She had believed her daughter would be safe with her father. Enough so that she could focus more of her attention on her second born. Getting her into a good school. Making good of the last year she had with her baby before she left the nest, possibly for good as her first born had. She thought it was a good idea. Sending her daughter to a better school so that they could help her grow in ways that she couldn’t. She hoped that they would challenge her so that she would know no limits in what she could do, and who she could become. She hoped the new school would help in getting her into a good college with some scholarships under her belt, so that she could go to the school of her choice without worry of leaving it to someone to bear the financial burden.

As the youngest girl, Lizzie had always been the one to wait. To get everything last. To get what was left. She had to get her sister’s hand-me downs instead of new clothes to go back to school. The smaller piece of dessert because after her father and sisters took their share that was all that was left because they were bigger and needed more, and of course it had to be shared with her twin, as most things were. The amazing thing about Lizzie is that she never complained. Never had a bad thing to say about any situation. Never cried when she didn’t get her way. She always took things in stride. That was until the divorce. The divorce changed her. Made her sadder. Made her more closed off, and she had thought nothing of it. Because the girl had never uttered a word about it. She was like her father that way. Other than the tears that were shed when she learned of the separation, the young girl had seemed invincible, and completely resilient. So she never worried about her. But she took her strength for granted and forgot that everyone has their breaking point. She never thought she wouldn’t be there to see hers. To keep her from falling apart, or catch the fallen pieces before they shattered on the ground. To glue the broken pieces back together because, of course, as her mother, that was her duty. A duty she was never around to perform. She looks up when the door opens and Elliot enters, Olivia is right behind him.

“What is she doing here?” Kathy asks.

“I thought it would be a good idea if she came along.”

“Well, I don’t want her here.”

“Kathy…” Elliot warns.

“Kathy, I’m just here for some support,” Olivia tries.

“Support? Where were you when my daughter needed your support? Huh? Where were you when she was slicing up her arms and legs? You were supposed to be there for her. She was living in your home! How could you not notice?”

“She seemed fine, and how can you stand there and accuse us as if you’re not as much to blame. She spends her weekends with you. You’re her mother. Why didn’t you notice?”

Kathy is quiet for a moment because she is right. 

Why didn’t she notice?

Right or not, she still refuses to back down and give her the satisfaction. “You’re her stepmother. It’s your job to be there for her when I can’t. To do things for her that I’m not able to do, but because you still harbor resentment against her, you didn’t think to care! You only care about your own family!” She gestures to Olivia’s stomach.

“Lizzie is my family,” Olivia counters.

“That’s bullshit and you know it. You still see her as the person that almost killed your kid even though it was an accident that she apologized for a million times.”

“My two-year old was on a respirator for a week and was almost taken away by social services, and Lizzie only apologized once for it, but even so, I don’t treat her any differently than I would treat my own child.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it!”

“Whoa, Kathy, this is not Olivia’s fault,” Elliot interjects.

“You’re right! This is your fault. You’re her father. I sent her to live with and to be cared for by you. But instead, you were too busy trying to fix your marriage to her, adding to your new family,” she gestures to Olivia’s growing abdomen, “and working all the time to even notice. First Dickie, now her.”

That hits a nerve. “Kathy, that’s enough. Look, I get that you’re upset, but blaming everybody is not going to help Elizabeth. Olivia and I both feel guilty about what’s happened, and believe me, nothing you can say can make me feel worse than I already feel. We need to stand together and support her. That’s why we are all here right now. To help support Elizabeth.”

The Doctor emerges from his office. “Mr. and Ms. Stabler?” she calls. 

They move to enter the room, “I want her to stay here,” Kathy growls.

“Kath-”

“It’s ok, El. I’ll be waiting out here if you need me.”

“Actually, Mrs. Stabler, I think it would be best if you joined us.”

“But I’m her mother,” Kathy interjects.

“I understand, but your daughter does live with Mr. Stabler and his wife, so I think it’s best if she’s a part of this. It’s in the best interest of your daughter.”

Kathy concedes defeat and they all enter the woman’s office and are surprised to see Lizzie sitting in a chair in the corner. For the first time since Olivia first laid eyes on her, the young girl looks fragile and small. The three adults shuffle in and take a seat on the matching couch.

“Ok, so Elizabeth and I have been talking and we’ve managed to delve into this behavior. First I want to reassure you that Elizabeth was not trying commit suicide, she accidentally cut too deep this time without realizing. Though the thoughts have been there before, this was not a suicide attempt. Still, we do recognize this as a serious issue, which is why we are all here for and what we want to address. Now, Elizabeth has some things to say to you all, and I promised that I would stay and help her through this. Elizabeth.”

Elizabeth looks up at them with a solemn face and scared eyes and suddenly Elliot is reminded of when she was just a little girl. When her biggest issue in life was how to get out of naptime or to get her twin back for some prank he pulled on her. She opens her mouth and a small, timid voice comes out. “I just want to say I’m sorry. For scaring you all like that. I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s ok, Sweetheart, just us why you’ve been hurting yourself like this so we can help you,” Kathy requests.

“It’s just…It’s been really hard the past few years. You and dad got divorced, and then Dad got remarried, and I felt…I felt like it was my fault because everything was ok before when Maureen was around, but then after she went to school Dad wasn’t around a lot, and I thought it was because I wasn’t enough to make him stay. And I tried. I tried so hard to make him stay. I thought that if I was good in school, and good at cheerleading and gymnastics and stuff you would come back, but you didn’t. Then Dickie started getting into trouble and I thought it was my fault because he’s my twin and I wasn’t looking out for him the way I should have. Then I had to change schools and I lost all my friends, and they don’t want me on their cheerleading team or their gymnastics team, because they say I’m ‘not quite there yet.’” She air quotes. “And then the thing happened with Kayla, and I thought that was my fault too because if I had watched her like I was supposed to she wouldn’t have gotten hurt and Dickie never would have gotten sent away. And school is so hard now. There’s so much work and its so hard, and no matter how hard I try or how much I study I still feel like I’m failing! And I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! And now because I’m not enough you’re going to have more kids and have a new family that doesn’t include us!” By the time she finishes the girl is a blubbering mess. Elliot can’t stay seated any longer and stands to help his daughter. He takes her in his arms and holds her close like she is three years old again.

“That’s not true,” Elliot counters.

“Then why do I have to give up my room and move into the basement?”

“You told her what?!” Kathy asks, floored.

“I thought-I thought you would like it. I didn’t know…”

“Elliot how could you think-”

“Ms. Stabler, please,” the psychiatrist interjects.

“I’m sorry Daddy,” she cries into his chest. “I’m so sorry. I had no control so I started cutting and I’m so sorry.”

He pulls away from her away and looks her deep in the eyes. “Look at me,” he tells her. “None of that is your fault. What happened between your mom and I. What happened with Dickie. What happened to Kayla was an accident. None of that is your fault. Olivia and I having more kids has nothing to do with you. If you don’t want to move into the basement all you have to do is tell me. We love you. We all love you and want you here with us. We are all proud of you and everything you’ve accomplished. You’re an amazing kid. And if you’re having a hard time, all you have to do is talk to us, Liz. Ask us for help. We’re here for you. Never forget that.”

*

They all step out of the doctor’s office and say their goodbyes as they watch the doctor walk Lizzie back to her room. She wants to work with her some more and Lizzie will be released in the morning. 

“Can I talk to you in private?” Kathy asks him.

“Sure,” he says. He looks to Olivia and she nods her head without question and steps away to allow the two parents some privacy. 

“I think it would be best if Lizzie moved back in with me.”

“Why would you think that?”

“C’mon El. You have your hands full enough as it is with the new babies coming and all. She needs her mother and I want to be there for her.”

“She doesn’t need to move for that.”

“Elliot, Lizzie needs someone who can be there for her. Who can focus on her.”

“And you’re saying I can’t?!”

“Elliot-”

“No! I’m not going to abandon my daughter when she needs me the most. You heard her in there. How do you think she’s going to feel when she has to move?”

“Elliot ever since our kids moved in with you things have gone from bad to worse. First Dickie, then Kayla, now this! I sent them there because I thought you would be able to provide some stability, not chaos. I just think it would be for the best. She needs to be in a stable environment right now.” 

“She is in a stable environment.”

“If that’s true, then why is our daughter cutting herself?”

“Kathy, she’s having a rough time. She had a rough summer, and she just started high school at a new school without any of her friends. Friends she’s had since kindergarten. She’s going through a hard time and I’m going to make sure I’m there to help her through it. I’ve already made arrangements to talk with the people at her school. Olivia and I are headed there now.”

“Olivia and you? Olivia isn’t her mother.”

“Yea, but she’s there everyday.”

“Didn’t she move out? Maybe if she was less selfish and focused more on caring for her family we wouldn’t be here.”

“Kathy, she makes dinner for them every day, sometimes making multiple dishes so everyone will have something they like. She helps Dickie with his homework everyday. She reads Lizzie’s papers for her. Takes them shopping for whatever they might need. Makes sure they both have clean clothes. Despite any problems we may be having, she has never let it affect the care of our children. She’s there, you’re not.”

“So you’re saying that just because Lizzie doesn’t live with me, all of a sudden I’m a bad mother? Where were you the past 14 years when I was the only one helping with homework, going to parent teacher conferences, school plays, and cheerleading competitions? In addition to working, cleaning, doing their laundry, plus yours and mine, and having dinner on the table every day by five,” she ticks of each chore on each of her fingers. 

“Kathy, I’m not trying to say you’re a bad mom. Lizzie lives with us, and it’s going to stay that way. She’s coming home to our home and Olivia is a part of that, and will be helping me with this. That’s all. She’s still my wife. Whether she lives with me or not. She is my wife. Now, you’re welcome to make your own arrangements to talk with the people at her school. Nobody is stopping you from doing that. But Olivia and I will be talking with them today, and tomorrow morning I will be picking Lizzie up and bringing her home to my house where she is going to stay.”

“I’m not going to let you replace me,” she says with tear filled eyes.

“No one’s trying to replace you Kathy. I’m just trying to be the father my daughter needs me to be. Now I have a meeting to go to.”

He steps around her and heads down the hall. He sees Olivia sitting in the waiting room, and goes to stand beside her. “Ready to go?” he asks.

“Yea, but I want to talk about something first.”

He sits down. “Sure, what is it?”

“You and I we have to fix this, El. We have to fix this,” she stresses, and blinks away tears. “Because I don’t want that to be our daughter one day,” she says pointing to the room they just vacated. “Whatever it is that’s breaking us, we need to fix it.”

“Then you have to talk to me Liv, otherwise nothing is ever going to get fixed. I know it’s hard for you to talk to me, but you have to try.” She nods in agreement. “And you have to move back in. We can’t fix what we’re going through if you’re living somewhere else.”

She sighs. “Do you really think we’re ready for that?”

“We’re married. How could we not be?”

“There was a reason I moved out Elliot. I just…I don’t want to move back and have it make things more worse than they already are.”

“I don’t think things can get much worse.” 

“You want me to stop talking to Peter, don’t you?”

“Honestly Liv. I’m going to leave that one up to you. If you feel you need to stop talking to him then stop talking to him. If you don’t, then that’s ok as well. Now we have a meeting over at Lizzie’s school.” He stands and reaches out his hand for to take. She looks at him for a moment, confused as to who this calm rational man might be, because surely it is not her husband. Still, she takes his hand and links her fingers through his. Maybe there is hope for them yet.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos!

Elliot looks around the room he and his son have started working on. Everyday after he comes home from work, if it's not too late, he and his son do some work on it. He thoroughly enjoys the time spent with his boy. He never realized how much he didn't know about him. He still fit the annoying little brother mold to a T, but he had matured a bit and was smarter about it. He was funny and still quite the jokester. He was smart, and incredibly good with numbers. He's expressed to him how he wants to go to Georgetown and study accounting. How well he's doing in football, though he can't wait for baseball season to start. The new school and surroundings seem to fit him well. He has already made new friends and his grades are at an all time high. He's even got a crush on a girl named Melody and asked his advice on how to ask her out. It is time Elliot knows he will now cherish forever.

He flips through the different paint swatches in his hand trying to decide on the perfect color. Something not too dark or too light. It's not a baby's room so pastels are out, and anything too dark will make the room somewhat of a dungeon rather than a bedroom. Maybe Sea Ridge or Royal Peacock. Blue, or green? They say green is calming. Garden Medley or Festive Green. When did colors get so fucking complicated?

"I don't know Dad, when did they?" He spins around and is surprised to find Elizabeth standing behind him. She surveys the room, which is in various stages of repair. "What are you doing?"

"Trying to pick out a color for your brother's room."

She nods and takes the swatches from him and begins to flip through them. "So how's it coming?"

"It was coming along fine, but I'm going to have to make some changes here and there."

"How come?"

"Well, I designed the first room for you, now it's going to be for your brother."

"So what are you going to change?"

"Well, I was going to have shelves for you to put your books and stuff on this wall," he walks over and shows her. "Maybe a couple of bean bags so it can be some kind of reading corner for you. I know how you like to read and how hard it is to find a quiet spot in this house, and with the babies coming I don't expect it to get any quieter. And one of the guys had this desk that he was trying to get rid of, now that his daughter has moved out so I was going to put it in this corner over here," he says as he walks over to the corner and shows her. "Then I was going to knock out this wall here and put in a bathroom. Your sisters used to always complain about having to share a bathroom. I thought you would have liked one of your own. I guess maybe I should still build one for Rick."

"What about TV and stuff?"

"Well, Walmart is going to have these flat screens on sale on Black Friday so I was just going to get one we could afford and mount it to the wall, but Rick already has a pretty impressive TV in his room that your Mom got him for his birthday last year. So I think I might try to find him an entertainment center so that he can hook up his stereo and video games and stuff. Then his bed can go over here. Maybe a mini-fridge here for drinks and stuff. Liv's been looking online for a futon and some other stuff on eBay and Overstock, so maybe she'll find some cool stuff."

Lizzie nodded and surveyed the room trying to picture her father's vision. "So, you really weren't going to just put me down here like that?"

"Of course not. Why would you think that?"

She shrugs. "I just didn't think you would put so much thought into it. Who knew interior design was your thing." She smirks. She stops on a paint swatch and hands it over to him. "I think you should do this color."

He looks down at the color. "Gem Turquoise? Don't you think this is a bit girly for your brother?"

"It's not for him. And I want black bean bags and white shelves. I'm going for a Tiffany theme. So I'll help Liv look for some furniture and posters and stuff. And I expect to see some tile samples soon," she replies as she heads back up the stairs.

Elliot looks down at the paint sample she has picked and smiles to himself, shaking his head.

*

Elliot returns home early one evening and is surprised to find their home fairly quiet. Normally it is filled with the sounds of Kayla's laughter as the TV blares her favorite cartoon. Liz and Rick bickering for some reason or another. Olivia making dinner. But this evening the TV is off and there is no laughter. No bickering. No sounds of dinner being made, but the comforting aroma of a home cooked meal wafts through the air and he removes his shoes and hangs his blazer on a hook before heading into the kitchen. He finds Olivia in the living room a magazine in her hand. She looks up from the article she's engrossed in and smiles at him.

"Hey," she greets him.

"Hey," he replies and leans over her to kiss her quickly on the mouth, and rubs her stomach. "Anything good in there?" he nods towards the magazine.

"No. Just another article about whether or not Kim Kardashian's butt is fake."

He shakes his head at her. "Why do you read that crap?"

"Because it makes me happy. It's my guilty pleasure. Don't judge me. Are you hungry?" she asks him and tosses the magazine on the coffee table.

"Yea," he answers and lends a hand to help her up. She is roughly twenty weeks along and her abdomen is clearly swollen with their children. They spend their nights talking to them and feeling them move about inside her. There is a glow to her that he loves that seems to shine brighter with each passing day. "But I'll get it."

"Fix me a plate too? I'm starving."

"Should I make plates for the kids too? Where are they?"

"No, they ate already. Rick wanted to play ball with Tony, Scott, and Toby, so he's down the street."

He freezes. "Wait, you let him go alone?"

Tony and Scott are good kids. They both play on the football team with Rick. He's met their parents and they've spent plenty of time at the house, but Rick is still not allowed to hang out with friends unsupervised. It is a privilege he has yet to earn back, a trust that has not been bestowed on him yet.

"Liz went with them and took Kayla with her. I think he's going to meet Melody. I heard him on the phone telling someone that Kayla was going to be there and you know how she loves her. I told them to be back by seven so they should be home within the hour."

"Oh," he replies and takes down two plates. He opens the pots and finds that she has made pot roast and wild rice pilaf for dinner. "How'd she seem today?" They've been trying to keep a closer eye on Lizzie since her 'incident' without being too obvious. He begins carving the chicken while she carefully takes a seat around the dinning table.

"She was quiet when I picked her up from therapy, but she seemed fine once I got her home. Hung out with Rick and his friends before dinner. There's salad in the fridge," she calls out to him.

"How come you didn't eat with the kids?" he asks as he puts the finishing touches on their plates, dressing each of their salads with ranch dressing and putting utensils on each plate.

"I wanted to eat with my husband," she answers as he sets her plate down in front of her and his in the seat beside hers. He returns to the kitchen and grabs a glass of water for her and a beer for himself.

"Next time don't wait for me if you're hungry. You shouldn't be starving yourself when you're pregnant. But thanks for waiting. I appreciate it."

"Well I didn't exactly starve. I had some cookies while I waited."

"With or without apple sauce?"

"Without. I had vanilla Oreos with milk."

"Finally! Something normal." he smirks at her and she smirks back. They eat in a comfortable silence and the only sounds around them is the hum of the fridge and their forks and knives hitting their plates. "So ah…how was your day?"

"It was ok," she answers.

"That's good," he replies and continues to eat his food. Once again silence surrounds them, and he tries again to strike up a conversation. "So um. Have you had any major breaks in the case you were working on?"

"No. Not really. We're still trying to break through all the bells and whistles the guy has set up. It's taking a lot longer than I thought it would."

"Isn't there some kind of software out there you guys could use?"

"Don't you think that if there was we would have used it by now?" she snaps. "Sorry. I-I didn't…sorry. We-we're doing all we can, but lets not talk about work." He watches her struggle to choose her words carefully. Afraid that she may reveal some kind of incompetence. Shoot way above his head and belittle him. Use the wrong words and hurt him. Or worse, start an unintentional fight. This is what their relationship is now. This is what every conversation they have tried to have has been reduced to. Walking on thin ice. Afraid that the wrong step will lead to the end. He remembers a time when they could say anything to each other without it leading to anything serious. He misses that time. "This guy knows what he's doing and we need to be careful to not alert him that we're on to him otherwise he can erase everything, and then we'll have nothing."

"I see."

She nods. "Tommy Keagan is having a birthday party this weekend, and he invited Kayla. Think we can go?"

She's changed the subject in an attempt to avoid a mishap like before. Talking about the children has now become safe territory for them. They seem to communicate best when it comes to the welfare of their children. "I think I'm on call this weekend, but we can try."

"We'll have to eat before going over there. They're vegans."

"Oh God. They're the ones whose party we went to last year and they had that gluten free cheeseless pizza aren't they? And the sugarless cake. What's the point of that?"

"I don't know, but that was the Fullertons. The Keagans had the carob cake and the tofu sandwiches."

"Yuck! Yea, if we go we're definitely hitting a pizza joint or something before going over there."

"'K. Any suggestions on a gift?"

"Books?"

"Didn't we get them books last time?"

"No. That was Melissa Ford. Because her parents didn't want her to have dolls or anything fun."

She chuckles at him. "We gave books to the Fullerton boy too. I don't want it to become our thing. I'll go looking for something tomorrow."

"Ok."

"El…"

He looks up and sees her hesitate, and from the look on her face he can tell iit's serious. "Liv?"

"Nevermind."

"No, what? C'mon. Talk to me."

"Do you think I'm a bad mom? Because I didn't notice what was happening with Lizzie?"

"Olivia, I'm her father and I didn't notice."

"Yea, but that's because you're always at work." It's mentioned in an off off-handed way, but it still hits close to home, but he quickly dismisses it in favor of continuing the conversation. "I'm here with her. Everyday. I should have seen something. I mean, I used to work with these girls day in and day out. Something should have…I mean, really."

"Liv, she hid it well. There are three of us here and none of us saw it. She always seemed fine to me. You're not to blame for what happened."

"I don't know. I feel like I'm losing my touch you know? Ever since I transferred out of Special Victims. I don't know, I feel like I'm missing a part of myself."

"Do you want to go back?"

"I would love to go back, but going back means long hours and being back on the streets. Late night calls. Blood and tears. Nightmares. Time away from our kids. I love how much I've been able to watch Kayla grow since transferring out, and with the girls coming-"

"Boys," he interjects.

"Girls," she corrects. "I don't want to give this time up. And if it's them or the job, I chose them. Besides. Both of us can't work Special Vics and raise a family."

"I could transfer out. Get something more low key so I can be around more."

"You would do that?"

"I'd do anything for you, Liv. If going back to SVU is really what you want, we can make that work."

"No, I'm fine. The gesture is nice, but I like the way things are now."

"Alright. Let me know if you change your mind."

"I will. Oh, and before I forget, I have an OB appointment tomorrow."

"Tomorrow? Didn't we just go last week? Your next one isn't supposed to be until next month."

"I know, but something doesn't feel right so I wanted to get it checked out."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the babies are starting to move around a lot more now, and it just feels like one baby is a lot more active than the other, so I wanted to make sure she was ok."

"One of the babies isn't moving?!" He quickly stands from his seat tipping the chair over and reaches for her hand. "We're going to the hospital right now."

"Relax El," she says. "The baby is moving, just not as much as the other one." She takes his outstretched hand and places it on her abdomen. "See, that's her moving right now. I just want to make sure that nothing's wrong and that she's more like her father."

"He, Liv. You have to think boys. Otherwise we're going to have more girls."

They've decided not to find out the sex of the babies, which he believes is a stupid idea, given all the things they need to buy for them, but she wanted to be surprised this time, and this pregnancy is supposed to be about sharing the experience together, so he agrees to remain in the dark with her. They constantly go back and forth about the sex of the babies. Due to the sharing of the placenta they are sure that their twins will be identical, but that is all they know for sure. He believes hey are boys, and while she believes the same, she still enjoys teasing him about the possibility of them being the opposite.

"And what's wrong with that?"

"Nothing. You know I want two healthy babies, and as amazing and wonderful it would be to have two more girls, I think it would be a bit selfish."

"Is that so?" she grins at him.

"Yes. But seriously, Liv. Are you sure you don't want to go to the ER now?" He asks as he rights his chair and sits back on it.

"Yes, El. It's probably me just being paranoid," she says and steals a piece of chicken breast off his plate.

He gives her what he has left and takes some of her salad as a replacement. "Alright. I'll ask Cragen if I can get an hour or two. What time is the appointment?"

"Two. And don't worry about it. He's just going to do a quick ultrasound to make sure everything is ok. There's no need for you to take off of work for this."

"No, I want to be there."

"It's not necessary, really El."

"Alright, but you call me the moment the appointment's done. Good or bad."

"Good or bad," she assures.

*

His phone rings as he leaves a potential witness' apartment. He accepts the call and brings the phone to his hear, "How did it go?" he asks, having already seen his wife's name displayed on his caller ID. There's silence on the other end and a shaky breath comes through his phone. "Liv?" he questions.

There's a hitch in her voice and then she answers shakily. "Something's wrong"


	8. Chapter 8

Elliot races down the halls of the hospital, looking for the right wing. He follows the signs within Columbia University Medical Center, the fact that she’s even here making this all the more terrifying. Her doctor’s office, a small branch of this hospital, is a few blocks from here, but close by in case of emergencies. She’s here because of an emergency. He finally finds the OB department and rushes into the waiting room. He finds her sitting in a corner and, upon seeing him, she races to him. She throws her arms around him, and he holds her back, pulling her as close as he can get without her stomach getting in the way.

“What happened?” he asks and cups her face with both of his hands. “Did you miscarry?”  
She shakes her head and stares at him with tear filled eyes. “Then what?”

She shakes her head again and shrugs. She opens her mouth to say something, but her voice fails her. No words form and she shrugs again. He takes her hand and leads them to a set of chairs. He never lets go. They wait, and a few moments later Dr. Mark Phillips enters the room. He leads them to another room and he takes a seat behind a desk while they sit in the chairs in front of it.

“What’s going on? Why are we here?” Elliot asks.

“I’m afraid I don’t have good news,” he begins and takes a deep breath. “Your children suffer from a condition known as TTTS or Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. I brought Olivia here because there’s a colleague of mine that specializes in the syndrome, but I thought the news would be better coming from me.”

“What’s that TT- Twin?” Elliot asks as his leg jiggles nervously and Olivia’s hand remains firmly held in his.

“Sometimes when identical twins share a placenta such as yours do, unnecessary blood vessels form and connect the two twins, which results in one twin, the recipient twin, draining all the blood from the other, or the donor twin. This is dangerous to both twins because one doesn’t receive the blood and nutrients needed to survive while the other receives more than it’s body can handle, which can lead to heart problems.”

“So how do fix this?”

“Well there are three options. The first, which I recommend, is surgery. Olivia will undergo a minimally invasive surgery known as Fetoscopic Laser Surgery. A doctor will go in laparoscopically and use a laser to sever the connecting blood vessels.”

“How safe is this procedure.”  
“Well there are risks, as there are with any surgery.”

“So she can miscarry?”

“Yes.”

“Die?”

“Yes, but the likelihood-”

Elliot doesn’t give him a chance to go any further.“What’s the other option?”

“Well, we can wait and see. Monitor her closely for any signs of distress or abnormalities.”

“I like that option.”

“The problem is, the surgery can only be performed under certain parameters, and the longer we wait, the less likely it will be for Olivia to have the surgery done and the higher the mortality rate goes up. Even with surgery, the chances of both twins surviving is only seventy-five percent. The chances of one surviving is ninety. Right now Olivia is a great candidate for the surgery. We caught this early.” 

“Yea about that. We came to see you just last week. You said everything was fine.”

“When I saw Olivia last week there weren’t any signs of a problem. Sometimes the symptoms just aren’t severe enough to be recognized. There is only so much we can see through an ultra sound, that’s part of the reason why I had Olivia come here, where they have more technological capabilities. So we can have a better look at what’s going on and see what we’re dealing with.”

“You said there was one more option. What is it?” 

“Well, there’s selective reduction in which we go in and sever all blood flow to the weaker twin to give the healthier one more of a fighting chance, but this is usually a last resort in sev-”

“No,” for the first time since this hell began Olivia utters a word. “I want the surgery.”

“Olivia, wait. Let’s talk about this,” Elliot tries to intervene.

“I’ve been in contact with a doctor at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. They have a program that specializes in it. A doctor Mark Johnson works there and has a lot more experience performing the surgery, so I think it’s best if you guys head there. He can meet with you as early as this Friday.”

“Wait, wait, wait. I think we’re moving a little fast here. Couldn’t we wait a bit and deliver them early or something?”

“That will only lead to more risks and complications.”

“I said I want the surgery,” Olivia reiterates.

“Liv, I think we should take some time and discuss this. See what our options are.”

“He just gave us our options.”

“Bu-” Elliot tries to interject.

“No,” she cuts him off. “There isn’t any time to discuss and debate about this, Elliot. These are our children’s lives we’re talking about here.”

“But-”

“No! I’m having the surgery and that’s final.”

“IIIIII’m going to go ahead and schedule the appointment,” Mark says slowly, watching the confrontation between the two of them. “It’s going to require a day of tests to make sure Olivia is fit for the surgery. Friday is a few days away so this will give you guys time to discuss and plan accordingly.” 

“No,” Elliot puts up a hand to stop the doctor. “These are my kids too, and I’m not ok with any of this.”

“Yes, but because it is Olivia who’s carrying them it’s her decision,” Mark supplies delicately.

“She’s my wife,” Elliot challenges.

“And it’s my body. This isn’t your decision to make. I’m having the surgery and that’s final.”

Elliot sighs and begrudgingly concedes defeat.

*

Elliot navigates his way home in complete silence, and she watches him intently, waiting for him to say something. He hasn’t uttered a word since they left the hospital.

“Are you going to say something?” she asks.

He checks the rear view mirrors and signals before switching lanes. “There isn’t much to say.” 

“Elliot.”

“This is a decision we should have made together.”

“Elliot-”

“Something like this. Something of this magnitude, we should both have a say.”

“You had your say.”

“No, I didn’t. You wouldn’t even discuss it with me and what I did say you completely ignored! We should have talked about this! I know you have a hard time talking with me, but this. This is something we needed to discuss.”

“There isn’t any time for us to discuss this!”

“This isn’t just your decision to make! Olivia, do you understand what you’re about to do? These are our children we’re talking about!!!” 

“And it’s my body, and therefore my decision!!!”

“But they’re not just your kids!!! Yes, it is your body, but you’re my wife! MY WIFE!!! Those are my kids too!!! And you’re about to put your life and theirs on the line.” 

“I know that.”

“Did you even stop to think about it? What you’re doing? I mean is this even worth it?”

“Of course it’s worth it. How can you say that?”

“Olivia, I can watch all three of you go in there and have none of you come back out! That leaves Kayla without a mother, and me without my wife for what? A seventy-five percent survival rate?”

“And a ninety percent chance of one surviving. It’s worth that risk!” 

“I think you’re being very selfish.”

“Selfish? I’m about to risk my life and you’re calling me selfish?”

“It’s not just about you! It’s not just your life to risk! I mean did you even stop to really think about it? What about our daughter? Huh? What about Kayla? Did you think about her? Losing her mother?” She doesn’t answer. “Did you think about Liz and Rick? Did you even stop to think about me? What you mean to this family?”

“Please. You can hire someone to cook and clean for you, and I’m sure you can find someone else to fuck. Replacing me in our kids lives won’t be too hard for you to do. Pretty sure Kathy will be the first offer up her services.”

He sighs and shakes his head. “I can’t believe you just said that. Is that what you think you mean to me? What you mean to all of us. Your friends? Your family. Do you really think I married you so that I could have someone to screw on the regular?” 

Her demeanor softens. “I-”

“Forget it.” He pulls the car over, but he doesn’t park. “Get out.”

“You’re going back to work?” she asks incredulously.

He stares straight ahead, his hand on the gear shift. “There’s some things I need to do. Loose ends I need to tie up, and I can’t even look at you right now.”

“Elliot,” she says in disbelief.

“Go get some rest. I’ll pick up Kayla and take care of dinner.”

“El…”

He still refuses to look at her. 

She doesn’t say anything more. She simply climbs out the car and slams the door behind her. He waits until she’s through the door of their home before leaving.

*  
He returns hours later laden with soups, sandwiches, salads, and drinks along with their toddler on his hip. He sets her down and she quickly kicks off her shoes before racing into the home in search of her mother. His teenagers and their friends, who he’s sure are going to eat him out of house and home bound down the stairs. While money is tight, he can’t deny his children their friendships. Rick needs people his age to hang out with that will help keep him out of trouble, and after everything that Lizzie’s been through, she’s finally made a friend.

The teens grab the bags from his hands and head straight for the kitchen. “Hey, there’s a wrap and a cream of Broccoli in there for Olivia. Nobody touch it!” He calls after them. “Or my steak bomb!”

“Liv said you’re not supposed to eat too much red meat,” Liz calls back. “You can have my salad.”

“The hell,” he mumbles to himself. “Save me half!”

He heads upstairs and finds Olivia in their bedroom, Kayla cuddled in her arms. Her MacBook Pro sits beside her, the webpage still open.

“I thought I told you to get some rest,” he chastises.

“Couldn’t turn my brain off. Why don’t you run down and have some dinner,” Olivia says to Kayla and their little one toddles off to fight the older ones for her chicken fingers. “You told them not to eat her food right?”

“Liz knows what’s hers. She’ll help her out.”

“What’d you get me?”

“Chicken Cesar wrap and some soup.” 

“I heard something about a steak bomb.”

“Liz is already all over it.”

“Good…El, I’m sorry-”

“I’m sorry-” they say at the same time and laugh.

“I never said should have said any of that to you. Sometimes it’s just hard for me to accept the fact that you guys really love me, and that I mean something to you. And you’re right, we should have discussed this but…This is something I have to do. Even if it’s just to save the one. I’m their mother. I can’t just sit back and do nothing.”

“I know, and I’m sorry too. I should have never called you selfish. But I’m scared, Liv.”

“I’m scared too. But I was looking into it. El, it only gets worse from here. The best chance we have of having both twins survive is to have the surgery now. The longer we wait, the higher the likelihood of them dying.”

He sighs. “I don’t like it Liv, and I’m probably never going to like it, but… I’m going to support you in this. If the surgery is what you want then, we’ll have the surgery.”

“Thank you,” she leans forward and touches her lips to his.

He kisses her back and says “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she says back to him.


	9. Chapter 9

It is the night before they are to leave for Philadelphia and he cannot sleep. The car is packed and ready to go. Their clothes have been laid out. Casey is meeting them at 5:30, so they should be on the road by 6 and in Philadelphia by 8, 8:30 the latest. Casey will check them into their hotel while he and Olivia head to the hospital for her ten o’clock appointment, and if all goes well, she will be having surgery early the next morning. He lays awake and tries to figure out if there is something that he has forgotten. He can think of nothing. They’ve made reservations at a local hotel for at least two nights with the plan of extending their reservation if need be. They have printed out copies of the reservation, directions to the hotel and hospital in case the GPS fails them, and packed clothes accordingly. Kathy picked the twins up earlier that evening and they will be with her until they return. Everything has been taken care of, and yet, he still cannot sleep.

Beside him lays his wife, and he lays there and listens to her breathing. She does not sleep either. Her breaths are not deep and long as they are when she is at peace and resting. He’s listened to his wife sleep long enough to know that in this very moment she is awake. She lays still with her back to him as she gazes out the window at the dark night sky. She does not say a word to him, but he knows his wife well enough to know that she knows that he is not asleep either, and yet, they both continue to lay in silence. But the silence is loud in his ears and it bothers him. It makes him feel lonely when she is laying right there beside him. So he reaches out a gentle hand and lightly touches her shoulder. She turns to him and their eyes meet in the semi darkness of their moonlit room. 

It’s like seeing her for the first time. 

Not the day he met her and was introduced to him as his new partner. No. A night many years ago. When he found her hunched over desk working on a case at four in the morning. It had been one of the tough ones that required them to be on duty without any sleep for days. He remembers that Cragen had finally sent them home to get a few hours of sleep. He had done such. He had needed to see his kids. Kiss his wife. After a quick nap, a shower, and a fresh shirt he had returned to the squad room to find her at her desk working by the light of her small desk lamp. Right where he knew she would be. Because unlike him she did not have a family to go home to. She had clean clothes in her locker, an uncomfortable bed to nap on in the crib and a shower nearby. He could tell from the bags under he eyes that she’d only used the shower. Her auburn hair had still been dripping wet. He placed the extra cup of coffee he had gotten for her on the side of her desk, and she had looked at him, much like she is right now, and smiled at him and simply said “thanks.” In that moment he realized he had one hell of a beautiful partner. 

Now he sees that he has one hell of a beautiful wife and the urge to kiss her overwhelms him. He leans towards her and touches his lips to hers. He’s surprised when she doesn’t pull away, as she has so many times before in the past weeks. Shocked when she kisses him back. Astounded when she parts her lips and allows him to slip his tongue into her mouth. She kisses him with so much love and tenderness he realizes he had forgotten what it was like to really kiss his wife. To feel the passion grow inside him. To have his heart swell with pride. To kiss her like he knows her. Like he loves her, because he’s in love with her. But tonight he kisses her like he did the first time. After running through the streets when there was a torrential down poor, dripping wet as they tried to get warm again in the sedan. 

He remembers. 

He remembers the smell of the Chinese food in the take out bag they brought back with them. He remembers how that day she tasted like the coffee he had brought her that morning. He remembers the urge he felt to get in as much of her as he could in that moment all those years ago, and he kisses her like he did in that sedan. As she raises her hand to gently cradle his head he pulls his body closer to hers, wanting to be as close to her as he could be.

He removes her night shirt, an old Marines T-shirt that she loves to sleep in, even though it is starting to pull tight across her burgeoning belly. He caresses her like he did the first time, many nights ago on her couch after a round of beers and a game of darts at O’Malley’s. She’d kicked his ass with a self assured smirk on her face, and he had never been more turned on. She always had good aim. Why he had challenged her in the first place, he wasn’t sure, but he was sure glad he did. He massages her breasts gently, aware of the tenderness within, and trails his kisses down the long column of her neck. She moans beneath him, just like she did the first time. He quickly removes her underwear and then his boxers then moves over her carefully, and settles himself between her legs. He supports his weight on his arms positioned on either side of her shoulders and enters slowly. Just like he did the first time. She sighs beneath him just like she does every time. 

He pushes carefully inside her and her fingers sink into the smooth skin of his back, and her mouth connects with his. His arms tremble with the effort of his exertion, and she seems to knows this even with her eyes closed. Without a word she rolls to her side and he shifts behind her. He presses his body close behind her and enters her from behind. Both his hands link with hers and together they envelop her and hold her close to him, and he makes love to her like he did the second time. The first time had been fast and passionate. It had been about feeling good, and satisfying the need that had grown inside them over the past few weeks, but the second time had been different. The second time had been slow and leisurely. 

It had been about finally connecting. 

About getting to know each other. 

About learning.

Likes and Dislikes. 

Moans and groans.

About feeling. 

But he already knows his wife. 

He knows exactly how to make love to her, it is a science that has been ingrained in his head. He knows exactly where to touch her and how. Exactly how hard to push inside her and when. He knows which spots on her body are the most sensitive. He knows everything that makes her scream out in ecstasy. Rake her nails down his back, and call out his name. He knows her.

But tonight it is just as sensual, just as passionate. His lips continue to trail kisses down her neck, and when she cranes her neck to kiss him behind her he kisses her with all the love he has inside him. She comes gently and he follows quietly behind her, but neither move. They simply lay in the quiet, their bodies still joined together. They enjoy moonlit darkness and stare at the night sky and wait for the sun to come up. 

As the sun begins to rise he remains connected with her form head to toe. He enjoys this moment with her and he simply listens. He listens and counts and feels. He listens to her breaths. Twelve breaths per minute. Feels her heart beat beneath the hand that rests across her chest. Still joined to a hand of her own. Sixty-two beats per minute. Lower he can feel their children begin to stir in the early morning light as the sun begins to peak over the horizon. They simply lay and enjoy the serenity of the moment, and then-

The alarm blares.

Shattering their peaceful haze and forcing them to crash back into reality. “I’ll shower first,” he whispers into her ear. He kisses the back of her head and lets go of her hands and just like that. Their moment is over.

*

Olivia takes her time walking with Kayla down the steps. Their child is NOT a morning person. Elliot looks up and spots her and rushes to help her with their sleepy child. He lifts Kayla then takes Olivia’s hand and helps her down the rest of the steps and when she reaches the bottom she sees that Casey is there.

“I’m going to get her strapped in, we’re going to try and leave soon.”

“Ok. I’m going to make some tea really quick.”

“Already got it in the travel mug in the car.”

“Kayla’s breakfast?”

“Got cherrios in a baggie and milk in a sippy cup.”

She can’t help but smile. “Snacks?”

“It’s not that long of a trip.”

“Yea, but you know how she gets when she’s been in the car too long. I’m going to make her another bag of cherrios and get a drink of water then I’ll be right out.”

“Alright.”

They head in their opposite directions and Casey follows her into the kitchen. “Nervous?” Casey asks her friend.

“Yea. A little,” Olivia replies as she busies herself with making Kayla’s baggie of cheerios.

“So what’s been going on? Why did Elliot ask me to come on this trip and not you? Why didn’t you tell me something’s wrong?”

“Casey. We just found out. All of this was put together in a matter of days.”

“Yea, but you didn’t call me. I mean what’s been going on with you? You’ve barely talked to me in weeks, and we used to talk every day. Is it something I did?”

“No. No. It’s not you. It’s just that Elliot and I were going through some things. And I remember how hard it was on you last time being in the middle, and I didn’t want to do that to you again.”

She remembers. She remembers Elliot begging her to give him an in so that he could get his family back, and Olivia begging her to help her close him out. She remembers being torn between her two friends, because while she believed they should be together, she wanted to stand by her best friend’s side and be the support system she needed. There eventually came point where it was just too much, and she had made that feeling known. A decision she now regrets. “Olivia…” 

“Casey, it’s ok.”

“No. You needed me, and I made it seem like you couldn’t come to me.”

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

“Well, what happened?”

“Elliot found out I was still friends with Peter, and it just…just didn’t go over well.”

Casey nods knowingly. “Well, Olivia, if you ever need me, I don’t want you to hesitate to talk to me.”

Olivia nods. “I won’t.”

She smiles, but Casey can see through the façade. “Olivia, I’m serious. I-I miss my friend.”

“Me too,” she responds and blinks back tears. “Sorry, hormonal.”

Casey blinks back her own tears. “Same here.”

“Wait, what?” 

Casey grins unabashedly. “Eight weeks.”

“Really? Congratulations Case!”

“Thanks.”

“How’s Richard feel about it?”

“He’s actually happy about it. Excited even. We’re in the process of looking for a place together.”

“That’s great Casey. I’m happy for you,” she says and hugs her friend.

“Thanks,” Casey replies and hugs her back.

*

The drive to Philadelphia is quick and relatively uneventful. Casey checks them all into their two bedroom suite at the hotel while Elliot and Olivia head over to the hospital for their appointment with Dr. Nahla Khalek. Their fingers are tightly linked and Elliot’s leg jiggles. They both feel the tension and anxiety in the other, but neither says a word. They are both too scared to speak. Too afraid of what they might say or how the other will respond.

“Olivia?” a nurse calls.

“That’s me,” Olivia responds.

“Right this way,” the nurse smiles and waves them over. 

They follow her to a private room and she closes the door behind them. She quickly takes Olivia’s vitals then leaves her with instructions to open and unzip her pants to allow the doctor the access she will need. Olivia does as she’s been instructed and waits on the table. 

“You ok?” Elliot asks.

“Yea. You?”

“I’m good.”

There’s a knock on the door and then the doctor enters. “Mr. and Mrs. Stabler. So nice to meet you. I’m Dr. Khalek,” the doctor introduces herself and shakes each of their hands. “Let’s get started.” Olivia lays back and pulls up her shirt to expose her stomach. The doctor turns on the machine and begins typing. “Dr. Phillips informed me about your condition and from the sound of it you’re a good candidate for surgery, but I still have to take a look for myself. Don’t want any surprises in the O.R.” She squeezes some gel onto her stomach and then moves the doppler over it. In a matter of seconds an image comes up on the screen and the doctor stares intently. She’s quiet for a few minutes as she navigates Olivia’s stomach, using the computer to spin the image around. “Well, it looks like you’ll be having surgery tomorrow. Have any questions?”

“Yea. What exactly…?”

“Oh. I’m sorry. I should have explained the procedure to you. We’ll be going in laparscopically with a laser that we’ll use to sever the vessels that are connecting the babies.”

“About how long will it take?” Elliot asks.

“We won’t know until we go in there and see exactly how they’re connected and how many vessels there are connecting them. What I just did now was confirm the dimensions needed to go in.” She looks at her patients and can see the fear etched in their eyes. “I know you guys are scared, but you are surrounded by the best of the best. We handle these cases on a daily basis so I don’t want you to worry. Yes, there are some serious risks, that I’m sure you’re well aware of, but your babies need this surgery if they’re going to survive.” Neither parent says a thing, and she gives them a sympathetic look. “I want you to go out and try to relax. I’ll make sure the nurse gives you my card before you leave, please don’t hesitate to call if you have any questions or concerns. I’m going to go confirm the O.R for tomorrow.” She leaves her patients and heads on her way, closing the door behind her.

After a minute Olivia finally sits up off the table and stares at her husband. Elliot stands and walks over to her. He wraps her in his arms and holds her tight. “It’s going to be ok,” he tells her, and he hopes it will be.

*

Elliot awakes late that night and quickly takes in his surroundings. It takes him a minute to realize that they are not in their bedroom in their home and instead in a hotel for the night, now only hours away from their surgery. He turns and looks across the bed and now understands what has woken him. While his two-year-old daughter sleeps soundly beside him, his wife is missing. He gets out of bed and begins searching for her. He finds her out on the balcony lying in a lounge chair. He slides open the door and steps out onto the balcony with her.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hey,” she replies back.

“What are you doing out here? Aren’t you cold?”

“I’m fine.”

And he believes her. Because while he stands outside in fifty degree weather wearing only flannel pajama bottoms and a t-shirt, Olivia wears an old Sienna sweatshirt and a pair of his pajama bottoms as well. She’s also covered up under a few extra blankets. “You mind if I join you?” She raises up the blankets for him and scoots forward a bit. He quickly slips in behind her in the space created. She leans back and rests against his chest while he slips his hands underneath her sweatshirt to feel her belly. Her hands cover his and they lay in silence for a few minutes. He kisses the top of her head and inhales the scent of her flowery shampoo. “What are you thinking about?” he asks.

“Nothing much. Just names for the babies.”

“Really. Anything good?”

“Well I was thinking if we had girls-”

“Boys Liv. Remember, we have to think boys. No girls. We have one perfect little girl and that’s more than enough. To ask for more would be selfish.”

“Right,” she chuckles. “You’re so full of shit.” He laughs with her. “Fine. I was thinking Julian for a boy.”

“Julian? That’s a pansy’s name.”

“No, it’s not. I really like it.”

“Why?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know, I just do.”

“Hmm. Well, I guess I can think about it…Julian…Julian…Julian. I don’t know Liv.”

“Well, what do you have that’s so much better?”

“Elliot’s a great name.”

“I don’t think the world can handle another Elliot Stabler. Try again.”

“How about Jordan. I really like Jordan.”

“Isn’t that a girl’s name?”

“It is not a girl’s name. It’s a manly name. A strong name.”

“Does this have anything to do with Michael Jordan?”

“He is only the greatest basketball player to walk the planet.”

“Suuure. Forget about Kobe. Pierce. Shaq. LeBron.”

“Please. None of them are as great as him.”

“I’m not getting into a sports argument with you right now… Jordan…I like it.”

“Yea?”

“Yea.”

“Cool. So umm. Why are we out here?”

“Can’t sleep, and I wanted to see the sun rise.”

He nods knowingly. “Alright. We can just sit out here and wait.” He kisses her temple and rests his head against hers. “I love you.”

“Love you too.”

It’s not long before the sun begins to peak over the horizon. Pink and purple hues meld together and cover the early morning sky in a soft glow before turning orange. Not long after that they hear the alarm go off and know that its time to get ready. And just like that their moment is gone and it is back to their reality.

*

Olivia lays in bed, waiting to be prepped for surgery. They checked in without any issues, everyone around them is calm, and yet their anxieties are at an all time high. Dr. Khalek has been in to reassure them that everything will be fine. 

Everything will be fine. 

They obviously don’t know her because in her life, nothing is ever fine. Her partnership went to shit because she fell in love with her partner. Her marriage is a mess because they’ll be great on one day and on the verge of divorce the next. Her baby girl is not a baby anymore because she’s walking and talking like a grown woman and not like she just turned two a few months ago. What’s worse is she can’t remember any of it. She can’t remember when her daughter’s vocabulary started to extend beyond Mama, Dadda, milk and poo poo. She doesn’t remember when she became Mommy instead of Mama. She doesn’t remember when her daughter started hating peas and loving carrots. She doesn’t remember when her daughter’s hair grew from tiny curls to long waves full of natural highlights. She looks at her little girl and she knows its her. She recognizes her. But she still wonders where her baby’s gone and what happened to her. She doesn’t understand how she can watch her grow up before her very own eyes and still miss it. She doesn’t understand how her relationship with Elliot is in the fragile state that it’s in, not when she loves him so much that sometimes it takes her breath away. Not when she’s sure he feels the same way. Then of course once they decided to have more children it would have to be a challenge. It couldn’t be easy like the first time when she had absolutely no intentions of getting pregnant. They don’t understand, because her life wouldn’t be her life if everything were fine. 

Olivia reads a few more lines of Goodnight Moon and Kayla sits in her lap and listens intently. The nurse bustles in and smiles cheerfully at her. “Hi, I’m Linda. I’m going to start getting you prepped for today, so its time for this cutie pie to say goodbye.”

Olivia squeezes Kayla tight. “Now you be a good girl for your Aunty Casey, ok?”

“Ok,” Kayla nods and answers in a tiny voice.

Casey comes over and reaches for the little girl. “Good luck. We’ll see you later.”

“Yea, thanks so much for watching her.”

“Not a problem.” She takes Kayla and the little girl begins to cry.

“Noooo.” Kayla whines.

“It’s ok, Casey, just go. She’ll be ok,” Elliot says from his corner.

Linda approaches her with a wan smile, “I’m going to get you started with an IV.” Olivia swipes her tears away and nods and holds out her arm. “You must be nervous, but you have nothing to worry about. Everything is going to be fine.”

Fine.

If she hears that word one more time…

She watches Elliot stand in the corner as they go through the various motions of preparing her for surgery. She knows that he’s scared, she can tell by the stoic look on his face, but she also knows he’ll never admit it because he’s trying to be strong. Not for himself, but for her. She tries to hide the grimace on her face when they catheterize her, she sees the way it scares him, but the tubing is uncomfortable and really she’s ready for all of this to be over.

“I’m sorry,” Linda says, “It’s not the most comfortable thing in the world, but its standard procedure.”

“It’s ok. Just do me a favor and make sure that thing is out of me as soon as the surgery is over.”

Linda smiles. “I’ll do my best, and I think the doctor is ready for you now so we’re going to start wheeling you over to the OR.”

“Ok. Can I just have one more minute with my husband?”

“Sure thing.”

Linda leaves and Olivia turns her attention to Elliot. “C’mere. I want to talk to you for a minute.”

Elliot smiles and sits on the side of her bed. “Yea, what about? You know you look cute in that,” he says and motions to the foam shower cap she wears.

“Yea? Maybe I should make it a part of my wardrobe. Some kind of fashion statement or something?”

“Yea, you can be a trend setter.”

“Oh I’ve always been a trend setter,” she snarks back cockily. “But that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“What did you want to talk about?

“Elliot…if something goes wrong in there.”

Elliot shakes his head. “No. No.”

“Elliot.”

“No, Olivia, we’re not going to have this conversation. Not right now. Not right before you’re about to go in there.”

“That’s exactly why we have to talk about it now. This is the last few moments we have. So if something happens in there. If it comes down to me or them,” her eyes fill and her lower lip quivers. “I want you to chose them,” she finishes and her voice cracks. 

“Olivia…”

“Even if it’s just one of them.”

“Liv… we can have more children. You don’t have to-”

“No. You make sure they do whatever they can to save our babies.”

“Olivia…”

“Promise me.”

“Liv, I can’t.”

She takes his hand in his. “Promise me, Elliot. If you love me at all, you’ll promise me this,” she challenges, and she knows she’s fighting dirty.

That does it. He can’t deny her. Not when it brings into question his love for her. “I promise.”

“And you’ll name one of them Julia.”

“We’re having boys, Liv.”

“Fine then. Julian.”

“Time for us to go,” Linda says from the doorway.

“We’re ready,” Olivia tells her.

Two orderlies, along with Linda, begin wheeling her down the hall and Elliot follows beside them, Olivia’s hand in his. They reach the double doors that lead to where the operating rooms are and they pause in front of them. 

“I’m sorry Mr. Stabler, but this is as far as you can go.”

Elliot nods and turns to Olivia. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

They share a kiss and he backs away from the stretcher her hand still in his. The orderlies begin to wheel her in and he doesn’t let go until her hand slips out of his.

*

In the OR Olivia assists them with transferring her over to the OR table. The anesthesiologists shoots her up with the proper drugs and soon she cannot feel anything below her chest. They fit her with a cannula and begin prepping her stomach for the surgery and soon they have begun the procedure. Olivia stares at the screen nearby and gets her first real visual of her babies. She can count their tiny fingers and their tiny toes, see their tiny veins through their transparent skin. She sees their little faces and notices that they have their father’s eyes. She lays there and thinks about them, and the family and friends so eager to meet them. The people at work. Cragen and the guys. 

Casey. 

Melinda. 

Maureen. 

Kathleen. 

Lizzie. 

Rick. 

Kayla. 

Elliot. 

Elliot.

Elliot.

She closes her eye and can see him in her mind’s eye. He stands there smiling at her. Waiting for her. His eyes are so bright and full of love for her, and his smile is warm and loving. He reaches for her and she reaches back and when she is finally with him she relaxes and fades to black.

*

He’s not sure how long he stands behind those closed double doors, but it is long after they have wheeled her down the hall before he feels a hand on his left shoulder.

“Dad?”

He turns around at the familiar voice and is surprised to see his oldest standing there. “Hey, what are you doing here?”

“We wanted to be here. For support.”

“We?”

“Yea. Lizzie and Dickie, excuse me Rick, are downstairs raiding the cafeteria vending machines, and Kathleen went to get us some decent coffee around the corner because hospital coffee sucks.”

Elliot smirks. “Thanks baby.”

“Why don’t we go sit and wait in the waiting room?”

“I want to be here when she gets out.”

“I know, Dad, but I don’t think she’ll mind if you’re waiting a few feet from the door instead.”

She takes his hand and pulls him along to the waiting room and seats him in a chair nearby. It’s not long before Lizzie and Rick join him, and then Kathleen with drinks for everybody. They pass the time with catching their father up with what is going on in each of their lives. Rick is still doing well on the football team, and may be starting in their next game. Lizzie finally made it onto the gymnastics team. Kathleen has yet a new boyfriend and has decided to change her major yet again from pre-med to journalism. Maureen is enjoying her work as a TA in the Classics department over at Hudson. She’s in the middle of her dissertation and loving every minute of it. He tries to listen intently to what each of his children are saying, but he can’t keep his mind from wondering what is going on beyond those double doors. He keeps one eye trained on the doors waiting in anticipation for her doctor to emerge from them.

A couple hours later her doctor finally does appear from behind those double doors and Elliot quickly springs to his feet.

The doctor smiles at him. “Relax Mr. Stabler, everything went fine. There were more vessels connecting them than we initially anticipated, but we were able to sever them without any problems. She’s resting in post op right now.”

“Can I see her?”

“She’s sleeping right now, so we’re going to wait a little bit, and make sure her vitals are all stable then we’ll move her back into her room and you and your family can visit her there.”

“Wait, sleeping? I thought she was supposed to be awake for the surgery.”

“She was, but it seems that she fell asleep. Gave us a bit of a scare at first but she responded to our attempts to wake her and her vitals were stable the whole time.”

“Good. Good. Yea, she was tired. She hasn’t really slept the past couple of days. Too nervous. So can I can see her now?”

“I’m sorry, we don’t usually allow family into the recovery area.”

“Please. Just for five minutes,” he begs and pleads with her with his eyes.

Her doctor sighs. “Five minutes.”

Elliot follows the doctor into the post op section and to her bedside. She sleeps peacefully on her left side, and the monitors blip and beep and mark her cadence of life. He runs his fingers through her hair and they snag on one of the waves. “I love you,” he whispers in her ear then kisses her softly on her lips.

*

Elliot and the kids stand back as they wheel Olivia into the hospital room. The doctor and nurses set her up and make sure everything is ok before leaving them alone.

Elliot sits beside her bed and takes her hand in his, “Hey Liv.”

Her eyes blink open then close again. “Hey,” she croaks.

“Doc says everything went well.”

“Ok,” she sighs. “Kayla here?”

“No, but my kids are here. They all came to see you. Wish you well.”

“Yea?”

“Yea.”

“Hey, Olivia,” Lizzie says.

“Hi guys. Thanks for coming,” Olivia replies back sleepily. 

“No problem Olivia,” Kathleen answers. “How’re you feeling?” 

Olivia doesn’t answer. She only sleeps.

“Dad, I think we’re gonna go. Let her get some rest. We’ll come back later when she’s awake.”

“Alright. Thanks guys.” He hugs and kisses them goodbye, hands them his room key, and watches them leave. 

Once they’re gone he resumes his place by Olivia’s bedside and takes her hand in his. He flips on the television and decides to watch the local news while she sleeps. Hours pass by and she continues to rest peacefully. He’s startled when her hand twitches in his and her fingers grab his in a vice grip.

She cries out.

“Liv?! What’s wrong?!?”

Her face squinches up in pain before she vomits and the alarms begin to blare. “Liv?!?!?! Help! Help!!!” he calls. He looks back at her and she stares at him with the same fear he has in his eyes.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Her hand rests in both of his as she continues to sleep. His eyes never leave the fetal heart monitor, nor hers. He can’t believe he was just sitting there watching TV and not paying any attention to her. The doctors and nurses had rushed in, injected something into her IV line. Told him he had nothing to worry about. Preterm labor was a common side effect of the surgery. He knew this. He had done his research, too. He knew the risks. But knowing them and experiencing them were two different things. 

There’s a knock on the door and he looks up to see Casey standing in the doorway, Kayla sleeping against her chest. “Hey,” he says.

“Hey,” she replies back. “So, how did everything go?”

“Docs say it went well. She gave us a little scare awhile ago, but she’s been doing fine ever since.”

“What kind of scare?”

“Preterm labor.”

“Oh my God. What did her doctors say?”

“They said it’s a common side affect, and that they were going to watch her for a couple days and make sure everything is ok before they send her home, but she should be fine.”

“That’s good.”

“How was your day?”

“Good. We went exploring, and to the children’s museum and such. It was nice.”

“That’s good. She wasn’t too much trouble was she?”

“No. Not at all. She was actually kind of quiet. Which I thought was strange.”

“It is. I think she misses Liv.” 

“Yea, I brought her by to see her, but it looks like they’re both sleeping so I’m going to just tuck her in back at the hotel.”

“Actually, I’ll just keep her. Liv was asking for her earlier. I think she’ll want to see her when she wakes up.” 

“Alright,” she carefully passes him his sleeping child to her father and watches him settle her into a comfortable position. She heads to the door and watches him glance at his wife with longing. 

“Everything ok, Elliot?”

“Huh? Yea. I just wish…she didn’t have to do this. There were other things we could have done. The surgery wasn’t our only option.”

“Yea, but it was your best option.”

“Still. She didn’t even consult me in any of this. She made the decision on her own, and I just fell in line behind her. I should have fought her harder on all of this.”

“Elliot, she’s doing all this for you. It’s not just for them.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

Casey sighs. Not sure if she should reveal this simple truth, but it couldn’t hurt. “You wanted another baby.”

She watches as realization dawns on him. “She’s doing all this… for me?”

“Yes. Back when you mentioned it, she was really unsure about it. But she loves you. She wanted to do something to make you happy. To show you that she loves you. To help save your marriage. She didn’t think it would last if she said no, and she probably feels it won’t last if anything were to happen to either of the babies. You know a lot of marriages end not too long after the death of a child.”

He stares at his wife in disbelief. “She’s doing this for me,” he sighs. “She did all this for me and I go and accuse her of trying to pass off another man’s child as mine.”

“You did what? Elliot!”

“She was lying to me about being friends with Peter again, and I… The timing fit.”

“Elliot, I can’t believe you would think that. Olivia would never do that. Even I know that.”

“I know. I’m an ass.” He sighs. “Why don’t you head on back to the hotel? I’ll see you in the morning.” 

She smiles at him sympathetically and pats him on the back and then leaves. Elliot continues to stare at his wife. He takes her hand in his and kisses her fingers. “I’m sorry,” he whispers into the night.

*

Hours later Olivia wakes from a deep slumber and looks over to see a pair of large blue eyes staring at her. She smiles. “Hi, baby.” Kayla stares back but doesn’t utter a word. “Wanna come lie with Mommy?” She nods and slides off her father’s lap. She tries to climb up onto the bed and Olivia does her best to help her up without moving too much. Once she’s on the bed the little girl quickly cuddles up to her mother. Olivia holds her close and runs her fingers through her hair.

A couple hours later Elliot awakes and startles when he finds his arms are empty and searches around until his eyes settle on her tiny form, wrapped in her mother’s arms. Olivia’s fingers still moving slowly through the silky locks of her daughter’s hair. She murmurs something quietly only for the little girl to hear, and she listens intently, her thumb secure in her mouth, the fingers of her other hand fisted in the hospital issued gown her mother wears.

“Hey,” he says, and both sets of eyes turn towards him. “How are you feeling?”

“I feel ok.”

He glances at the monitors. Everything is stable. “Good. You want anything? You need anything?”

“I’m fine,” she smiles. “I just want you here. With us.” He grins and moves in closer to them. “So what are we talking about?”

A few minutes later Casey arrives, “Hey guys. Liv! You look great. How are you feeling?” 

“Good. A little stiff, but otherwise ok.”

“That’s good. I brought some clothes for her. We’re headed to the aquarium today.”

“Sounds like fun,” Olivia replies and Elliot can see the wistfulness in her eyes. 

“I’m going to start getting her ready.”

“Nooo,” Kayla whines and clings a little tighter to her mother.

Olivia turns to her. “Kayla. Your Aunty Casey has a fun day planned for the both of you. It’s not going to be any fun here with me. So I need you to be a good girl and go with Aunty Casey so she can get you dressed ok?” Kayla nods and reaches for Casey and she lifts Kayla and settles her onto her hip.

“K. Thanks Casey. Have you seen my kids?” Elliot asks.

“They were sleeping when I left.”

“Yea, they probably won’t be up until at least noon.”

Casey heads into the bathroom, and Elliot turns his attention to his wife. “You ok?”

“Yea. I finally have all this free time, and…I’m here,” she sighs.

“You’ll be out soon. The docs just want to keep a close eye on you because of what happened yesterday.”

“I know. It’s just…I should be taking her to the aquarium. Having that experience with her.”

“You’ll get your chance, Liv. I promise.”

Casey emerges and Kayla is dressed in a pink jumper dress and a white turtleneck. She has on white tights on her little legs and matching sneakers to complete the outfit. Her hair has been pulled into pigtails. “Nice job Case,” Olivia grins. “Good practice for your own huh?” 

“I’m hoping for a boy. I can’t do all that everyday.”

“Gets easier with practice.”

“Well, we’re going to go now. I looked into it and they have a show with a sea lion or something that starts at eleven, and she hasn’t had breakfast yet so we better get going.”

“Alright. Come say goodbye to Mommy.” Elliot lifts the little girl onto the bed and Olivia hugs and kisses her. “Be a good girl, ok?” she tells her daughter.

“’K,” she nods and kisses her goodbye.

*

Olivia pushes away the tray of hospital issued food with a look of disgust. “I can’t wait until I can eat real food again.”

Elliot pulls up a plastic bag from under his seat, “So I guess it’s a good thing I snuck this in.”

Her eyes light up with glee. “What did you bring me?”

“Nothing special. Just a Philly chicken cheesesteak with sautéed onions and peppers. A little mayo. Some ketchup.”

“How did you know?” she asks.

“You told me about it one time after you came back from that conference.”

She eyes him in disbelief. “That was…years ago. I think our third year together. You remember after all this time?”

“Of course I remembered.” 

She smiles at him as she unwraps her sandwich. “I guess you really do love me.”

He stares at her seriously. “Of course I do.” He watches her bite into her sub and moan in pleasure. 

“Liv, I want to talk to you about something.”

“What?” she mumbles as she chews another bite.

“What I said to you…what I accused you of. I’m sorry. I never should have said that to you.”

“Elliot. It’s-”

“It’s not ok. I should have never even thought that.”

“But you did,” she says and looks away from him. She stares down at the sandwich in her hands. “Is that…Is that what you think of me? Do you really think I’m capable of doing that?”

“Olivia a lot of people are capable of a lot of things.”

“Not me. I would never do that to you. The thought of doing something that…deceitful wouldn’t even cross my mind. The fact that you thought I wou-”

“I was wrong. I’m sorry, Liv. I was wrong. You know at work, I see so much. And there have been so many guys who find out-”

“But I’m not them. You know me El. That’s not me.”

“I know, and I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you.”

*

Later that evening Olivia sleeps and Elliot sits beside her reading a book on their iPad. Casey walks in, Kayla by her side. “Hey.”

Elliot looks up, “Hey.” He smiles at Kayla. “Hey, princess. Can Daddy get a hug?”  
Kayla rushes over to her father and wraps her tiny arms around his neck. Elliot pulls her into his lap. “What did you do today?” 

“I saw fishies!”

“You did? What kind of fish did you see?”

“I saw the Nemo fish. And a big fish.”

“How big was this fish?”

“It was this big,” Kayla says, stretching her arms as far as they can go.

“Wow!” Elliot turns his attention back to Casey, “Was she better today?”

“Yea a bit. She kept asking for Liv, and I told her that she would get to see her later. That seemed to satisfy her. She really liked the Aquarium.”

“Good. Well Liv’s sleeping now and I think she should rest.”

“How’s she doing?”

“Good. Really good. Depending on how tonight goes, Docs think she’ll be good to go by tomorrow. Another night at the hotel and I think it will be safe to head back home.”

“Sounds like a plan. Did your kids come by today?”

“Yea, they all stopped by. They’re really enjoying the city. When did you see them?” 

“They came by the Aquarium earlier. Kathleen, Maureen, and Rick left after lunch, but Liz stayed to help me out a bit. She left around two to head here.”

“Yea, I saw her. She left a few hours ago to meet up with the other three for dinner. Did you eat yet?”

“Yea, we got some pizza. She didn’t eat much though. I guess she wasn’t too hungry. So you want me to take her with me back to the hotel?”

“Yea. Liv needs her rest, and she should sleep in a real bed tonight.”

“Alright. I’m exhausted so I’m going to get going.”

“Ok. Goodnight Princess. You sleep tight and get going.”

“Noooo,” the little girl wines. “Want to stay with Mommy.”

“Not tonight Baby. Now I need you to be a good girl, and go with Aunty Casey.” The little girl’s blue eyes well up with tears and she shakes her head. “Case, just take her, and thanks a bunch for all this.” 

“No problem. I’m just glad that I can do something to help.” She lifts Kayla and her tears spill over and the wailing starts. Casey looks at him with uncertainty.

“Just go.”

Casey heads down the hall, and Kayla’s cries seem to grow in volume and persistence. He turns to Olivia and is surprised to see her awake. She closes her eyes, and tries to close out the sound of her daughter’s cries as well. It doesn’t work. “Get her,” she grits out.

“What?”

“Now!” She says and stares at him so that there are no questions left.

He rushes down the hall and catches up to them just as Casey is about to step onto the elevator. Kayla is fighting and trying to get away, all while hollering at the top of her lungs. “Casey wait!” he calls. She stops and stares at him confusedly. “Olivia wants her.” He reaches for his daughter and the little girl wiggles between the two, and takes off as soon as her tiny sneakers hit the tiled floor. “Thanks Casey,” he says quickly, then takes off after his daughter.

Kayla reaches her mother’s bedside and does everything she can to climb onto her mother’s bed. Elliot comes in, and helps her up onto the bed, she wastes no time scurrying into her mother’s arms. Olivia, holds her daughter close and stares at her husband with worry in her eyes.

*  
“Mommy Look!” Kayla squeals as she positions herself for the perfect running start.

“I’m watching Baby,” Olivia calls back to her from her poolside lounge chair. 

“Mommy, are you looking? You looking Mommy?” 

“Yes! Go!” Olivia laughs. She lifts her shades that help keep out the suns rays as they stream in through their hotel’s bay windows that surround the indoor pool so that her daughter can see that she is, in fact, ‘looking.’ 

Once they young girl is satisfied that her mother is, in fact, watching her, she takes off at a breakneck speed. She fearlessly jumps from the pool’s edge, and for a second her heart stops and skips a beat as her daughter’s long locks disappear beneath the pool’s surface. But Elliot is there and, just like the previous thirteen times, he is right on cue and he lifts his baby girl, and her little face contorts as she gasps for air. He wipes her face and brushes her hair out of her eyes, and she turns in her mother’s direction. She grins infectiously. “Did you see? Did you see Mommy?”

Olivia laughs. “Yes, I saw.” She wishes she could be in the pool with the rest of her family, but the only way Elliot would allow her out of bed was if she agreed to remain in the lounge chair. Her phone buzzes beside her and she reads the text from Casey. “Food’s here!” she calls out to the rest of the Stabler clan.

“Five more minutes!” Kathleen calls back as she and her sisters chase after Rick in an attempt to dunk him.

Olivia shakes her head and reaches for a towel and holds it out for her two year old. She wraps it around her and holds her close.

“Ready to go?” Elliot asks as he towers over them, dripping wet.

She hands him a towel as well. “Yea, let’s go.”

He quickly dries off most of the water before securing the towel around his waist. He lifts their little munchkin and holds out a hand to help Olivia up. He doesn’t let her hand go until they’ve reached their hotel room.

*

Olivia steps out the shower and towels herself dry. She stares at herself in the mirror and sighs. New stretch marks have formed. She was lucky with Kayla. She didn’t have a single mark on her body, but with this pregnancy she isn’t so lucky. Thankfully they are faint, but they are still there and she hates them with a passion. She picks up the cocoa butter, and prays that the stuff really works, because she would like to have her old body back when this is all over, although she’s starting to realize more and more that that is something that is probably not going to happen. There is a knock on the door. “Yea?” she answers.

“It’s me.” Elliot calls back. “Can I come in?”

“Yea.”

Elliot opens the door and steps in before quickly closing it behind him. “You, ok? You’ve been in here awhile. Remember the doctor said no more than an hour a day on your feet.”

“I know, El. I’m almost done.”

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing. Just putting on some cocoa butter. ”

“Here let me help.” He sits on the toilet seat and takes the jar from her. He rubs some onto his hands before smoothing it over her burgeoning belly. He takes time and is mindful of area where the band-aids are. The only evidence she has of her surgery are two tiny slits on her stomach. “What’s this for anyway? You never used this before.” 

“It’s supposed to help with the stretch marks.”

“So what if you have stretch marks. You’re beautiful either way.”

“That’s what you say now.”

“That’s what I mean now, that’s what I’ll mean after the babies are born, and that’s what I’ll mean twenty years from now.” He takes his time and also cleans the area where her incisions are, the way the nurse showed him and changes the band-aids. He finishes by kissing her stomach. “I love you guys,” he tells them. “Where are your clothes?” he asks her, and she points to the toilet seat he now sits on. He helps her into her pajamas then takes her hand and leads her out of the bathroom. 

“Hey you!” Olivia exclaims at their two-year old as she slurps up what is left of Olivia’s spaghetti and meat sauce. Kayla turns and smiles at her. Her little face covered in sauce.

“Don’t worry. I’ll get her all cleaned up. You get in bed.”

“Yes Dad,” Olivia mocks but does as she says.

“Just be glad she’s eating.” Casey says from the doorway.

“She wasn’t eating either?” Olivia questions, and the worry is clear in her voice.

“She missed you, Liv. That’s all. I think she understands that hospitals are for sick people and it scared her a bit, but she’s fine. She’s been all laughs and smiles since you’ve been released.”

“I know, but I still worry,” she says as she watches Elliot try to wrestle their squirming child out of her bathing suit. “She’s my baby.”

“I know, but don’t worry. She’s fine. You’re fine. Everything is fine.”

Fine.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some of this may be kind of confusing to understand. Certain phrases are supposed to be in italics, but they are not available on this site. Sorry for the inconvenience.

“Well, Olivia, everything here looks good,” Dr. Phillips says as he maneuvers the wand over her growing abdomen. “Baby B is a little bigger, but still not as big as Baby A.” He looks over at his patient for some form of understanding, but her mind seems elsewhere. Something is off. She seems…distant. Sad. “But that’s ok. A lot of twins are born at different sizes. So do either of you have any questions?” 

“Will Baby B always be this far behind Baby A, or do you think he will catch up?” Elliot asks.

“He? I never said you were having a boy.”

“So it’s a girl then?”

“You guys made me promise not to tell. So I’m not telling. Nice try though. Didn’t you say this guy was a detective Olivia? You’d think he’d have better tricks huh?”

There is no smile on Olivia’s face. She has no plans to participate in this ongoing joke. She does not give two shits what the sex of these twins are. She just wants them healthy. That is all that matters. She wants to go home. To her bed. And her daytime TV. She is missing her novellas. “Are we done here?” She asks instead.

“Umm. Yea, actually, I am. Do you have any questions?”

“No.”

“Would you like a photo?”

“Whatever,” she answers with a wave of her hand. 

“Ok then. Well I’ll print out a couple, and Elliot, can you follow me to get the picture while I answer his question. I’m running a bit behind and this will help me save some time.” He heads out the door and Elliot follows behind him.

“So will-”

“Baby B will keep growing and so will Baby A; how close they’ll come within each other is unknown. What’s going on with your wife?”

“What do you mean?”

“C’mon Elliot, don’t pull that with me. Olivia was one of the happiest pregnant women I ever came across when she was pregnant with your daughter. Despite what was going on with you two. This pregnancy she’s been different. Now I know there’s been a bit more with the surgery, but still. That woman in there is not the Olivia I know. The past couple of weeks she’s been distant and irritable. So what’s going on? Is it something with you two?” 

“No. Everything with us is fine. Yes, she’s been different, but she’s pregnant with twins. Hormonal and, like you said, she just had surgery. There’s nothing to worry about here.”

“Do I look like an idiot to you, Mr. Stabler?”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m your wife’s doctor. Not some random giddy school girl looking for gossip.”

“The hell you-”

“It’s affecting the pregnancy,” Dr. Phillips tells him and Elliot swallows hard.

“What do you mean?”

“Her blood pressure is up. Which, not only affects her, but the babies as well. The twins are also starting to show signs of distress. I’ve wanted to move Olivia down from biweekly appointments to just weekly, but I can’t. Because of this. Now, you want to continue hiding things, fine. Just know that you are putting your wife’s and your children’s lives in danger. There’s a therapist-”

“No. She doesn’t need a therapist. I will talk to her. I will figure out what’s going on, and I will fix this.”

“Your next appointment is Friday. If she’s anything like this then I’m taking action. I’m not going to let your ego-”

“It’s not my ego. I just… I want a chance to fix this on my own. Like you said if she’s no better or worse by Friday, then I myself will request the business card of that doctor. I wouldn’t let my ego get in the way of family’s health. Now can I have my photos so I can be on my way.” 

Mark eyes him for a moment, before heading to the printer and retrieving the photos. He hands them to Elliot without another word, and Elliot heads back into the examination room. There he finds Olivia seated on the exam table.

“Took you long enough,” she says, clearly annoyed.

“There was a paper jam over at the printer.”

“Right. You two have a nice conversation about me?”

“There was no conversation. You ready to go?”

“No. I’m too fucking huge to see my swollen feet so I can’t get my fucking shoes back on.”

“Alright, I can help you with that,” he says and hands her the photos. “Hold these please?” he asks then bends down to help slip her feet into her flats. “Anything else?”

“My coat.”

He holds it open for her and she puts her arms into the sleeves. He zips it up for her, and then takes her free hand in his and leads her out of the doctor’s office. As they drive through the streets of Manhattan she is quiet. “Hey, how about we grab some lunch?”

“That’s ok. I just want to get home.”

“C’mon. We haven’t been out to eat in ages. You haven’t been out to eat in ages. You barely leave the house.” 

“Because I’ve been on bed rest,” she says slowly as if speaking to a child.

“Mark took you off bed rest two weeks ago.”

“But I still need to take it easy.”

“How is sitting at a table and having people serve you any different from what you do at home?”

“Elliot, give it a fucking rest and just drive me the fuck home. Can you do that? Or is that too much for you to handle?” Elliot drives the rest of the way in silence, but when he pulls up outside of a building that is not their home, she turns to him floored. “Elliot? What the fuck is this?”

“We’re going out to lunch.”

“I don’t want to go out to lunch. I want you to take me home.”

“No.”

“Elliot!!! Take. Me. Home,” she growls.

“No.”

“The hell, Elliot!”

“Something’s been going on with you for the past couple of weeks, and I want you to talk to me.”

“We’ve been over this. I can’t talk to you.”

“Yea, well I need you to try.”

“Elliot,” she whines, and her resolve cracks and the tears flow through. “Please, I just want to go home.”

“I need you to talk to me first. I’m your husband, you should be able to tell me what’s been bothering you.”

“No. I can’t talk to you about this.”

“Why?”

“I just… I can’t.” 

“Olivia.”

“Elliot, the one person I want to talk to about this, that I can talk to about this, is gone. Because I gave him up for you.”

“Don’t. Don’t do that. I never told you-”

“Like you would ever look at me the same if I didn’t. Let alone love me.”

“That’s not true.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it!”

“I’d never stop loving you.”

“Yea right,” she scoffs.

“Well whether you believe me or not isn’t the issue right now. The fact of the matter is that he isn’t here right now, I am. Now talk to me.”

Her lower lip trembles and she wipes away tears. “I don’t know how.”

He feels defeated, because his wife can’t talk to him, and he doesn’t know how to fix this. He doesn’t know how to make her trust him. He doesn’t know what to say to let her know that she can confide in him. He’s spent too much time showing her the opposite and now it has officially come back to bite him in the ass. He sighs and thinks back to a couple of months ago. A meeting held without her knowledge in a small coffee house not far from where they are now…

*

“So why am I here?”

“We need to talk.”

“Talk about what?”

“My wife.”

Peter grins at him mischievously. “Nothing is going on, Elliot. We’re friends.”

“And we both know that’s a load a bullshit. So let’s just both be honest here. I’ll start. I don’t like you. I think you’re playing my wife and all you want to do is screw her.”

Peter laughs. “Alright. Honestly? You don’t deserve her.”

“How do you figure?”

“From what I’ve heard, you’re a know-it-all, self righteous bastard that has his head so far up his ass that he can’t see how lucky he is to have someone amazing like Olivia in his life, let alone as his wife.”

“Well, you’re entitled to your own opinion, but let me just say this. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t thank God for every second I get spend with her.”

“You should. You should thank Him for every second of every day of every year for allowing her to fall in love with an asshole like you.” 

“Look, I didn’t come here for this. I came here for two things.”

“What?”

“One. To tell you to stay the hell away from my wife. We’re trying to work things out for our family. Our kids.”

“Don’t throw your kids in my face, because you accused her of carrying my child instead of yours and you didn’t give a damn about your daughter when you moved a drug addict into your home, left her with a disgruntled teenager, and then gave her that blueberry Nutrigrain bar.”

“That was an accident.”

“Yea, ask your wife if that’s the way she sees it. As an accident.”

“Sure, and you stay away from my wife. Don’t call her. Don’t text her. Don’t email her. If you see her pretend you don’t see her. If you see her on the street, turn around and walk the other way.” 

“I’ll do as I please. But I’ll tell ya what. I’ll make it easy for you and keep my distance and I won’t seek her out, but if she contacts me, all bets are off.”

“I guess I can agree with that.”

“Deal. Now what’s the second thing?”

“I…I need your help.”

“My help?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I guess hell just froze over. What do you need my help for?”

“She…she talks to you. In a way she doesn’t talk to me. She’s not afraid to open herself up to you, and she used to be like that with me, but not anymore, and I need to know why, and I need know how to fix it.”

“Here’s why: you’re an asshole. Here’s how you fix it: stop being an asshole.”

Elliot moves to get up. “This is a waste of time, I don’t know why I even bothered.”

“Wait. Wait, Elliot. sit back down.” Elliot glares at him. “Sit!” Elliot sits back down across from him, and he takes a deep breath. “I’m going to help you. But let’s just get something straight right now. Had I met her just one day, one second, before she met you. We wouldn’t be having this conversation right now. Because she would be at home pregnant with my kids instead of yours, and believe me, partner or not, you wouldn’t even be a factor. So think about that the next time you decide you want to hurt her. Think about how lucky you are, that you met and married her first. Second, the only reason why I’m helping you right now is because I love her more than I hate you, and I love her enough to let her go because for some fucked up reason she loves you. And fixing her marriage with you will make her happy and that’s all that matters to me. That she’s happy. So… first thing’s first. She’s not going to want to talk to you. Too much has happened between you two. Too many hurtful things have been said by both of you. Especially you, so she doesn’t trust you anymore. Whether your meant it or not. Whether you realized it or not. They were said. Plain and simple. So if you want her to talk to you, you’re going to have to make her talk to you.”

“How?”

“She’s stubborn. So she’s going to fight you tooth and nail about it, but you’re going to have to insist. Be annoying about it. If there’s something specific you want to talk about, you will have to bring it up at every chance you get. Don’t just let her wiggle out of it. Or change the subject. Bring it up, again and again, and insist.”

*

“Try. Please.”

“Let’s just forget about it. Where are we anyway?”

“No, Olivia. Talk to me. I’m here to listen.”

She sighs and stares out the window without saying a word for what seems like forever. He’s just about to pester her once again when finally. She speaks. “I’m scared…All the time I’m scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“Everything.” 

…She doesn’t think you listen, and she’s wrong and right at the same time. You hear her but you don’t seem understand her. Try to understand what she’s trying to say to you. Try to hear everything she’s not saying.

“Everything like what?”

“Oh never mind. Please, Elliot, just take me home.”

…The thing about your wife is that she tells you everything and nothing all at the same time. You need to learn to read between the lines. You’re a detective right? Dig deeper. Don’t take anything at face value. Ask her what she means, just be careful about what, and how, you ask…

 

He thinks quickly. “Is it the babies? Is that what you’re scared about? Because if you are-”

…Don’t belittle her. Don’t make her feel like her feelings don’t matter or that she is stupid for feeling them. She hates it when you do that…

“I’m scared, too.”

She turns to look at him, surprised. He can tell that she wasn’t expecting that to come out of his mouth. “Yea?”

…Make yourself vulnerable for her. She’s afraid to be vulnerable with you because she doesn’t want you to see her differently. So you be vulnerable first. She’ll see what you’re doing and it will make her more likely to open up to you…

“Of course, Liv. The entire time you were in that hospital, I was terrified. Those were the worst three days of my life. I’ve been on edge since we found out that there was something wrong.”

“I’m scared… all the time. Every morning I wake up, I’m surprised I’m not laying in a hospital bed. Every time I feel one of them move or kick, it worries me when it should be the opposite. I mean the fact that they’re moving and kicking means that they’re ok, but I just have a hard time seeing it that way. That’s why I don’t like to leave the house. I know that as long as I’m resting in my bed, the chances of something happening go down.”

“Olivia-”

…Careful how you say things to her. Watch your words and your tone… 

“…the doc says you’re doing great. You’re doing everything right. Worrying like this. Stressing out like this is what’s hurting you.” 

“Is that what you guys were talking about?”

“Yea. Mark says your pressure is a little high, and its probably due to the stress. I get that you’re scared. But you can’t live in fear forever. It’s not good for you, and it’s not good for them.”

“I know, but that doesn’t change the way I feel.”

“Well, try going out for a little bit everyday. Something as small as picking Kayla up from daycare. It will get you out the house, and some fresh air, I think it will be good for you.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“So what else?”

“Hmm?”

“What else is bothering you?”

“Nothing. That was it.”

“Olivia, I know you better than that. Tell me. Talk to me.”

“I can’t,” she says, her voice hoarse.

“You can.”

“No, I can’t. You’ll never look at me the same.” 

“That’s not true.”

“It is.”

“It’s not. Olivia I’m your husband, you can confide in me about anything.”

“No I-”

“Yes, you can. Talk to me. Tell me what’s been bothering you.”

“I feel guilty.”

“Ok. Why?”

“Because,” she does her best to hold back tears. “There was a point where I didn’t want them. Where I thought about,” she sniffles. “Getting an abortion.”

“What?”

…Don’t judge her. If you do she’ll know, and she will never trust you again. She needs to know she can be herself without you thinking differently about her…

“I know, I’m a horrible person. We were fighting, and I was being stupid and selfish. I didn’t want to be a single mom with three kids. I didn’t want to do it on my own so I thought about… and now I feel like I’m being punished because now I want them. I love them so much and it kills me to know that I did this to them. That I’m the reason they’re going through this.”

“Olivia, you’re being-”

…Not every smart ass comment that comes to your head needs to be said. Sometimes it’s better to just shut the fuck up. She knows you. She’ll know what you want to say, but she’ll respect you more for keeping your fucking mouth shut…

“…too hard on yourself.” He’s surprised when she cries and her sobs hurt him. “Olivia, you’re not a bad person.” 

“I am,” she cries. He reaches for her hand, but she pulls it away. He tries again, but she holds him at arm’s length. 

…Don’t let her push you away. Don’t just give up on her. Fight for her. No one ever has…

He gets out and walks around to her side of the car. He pulls her door open then stoops down and pulls her into his arms. “This is not your fault. This is not your fault. If it wasn’t for you, they probably wouldn’t be with us right now. You’re a good mom.”

“I’m not,” she cries into his neck.

“You are. You’re so strong and brave, and you’d risk everything for any one of them. You’re a good mom. Don’t ever stop believing that.”

“Do you still love me?”

“Nothing you do will ever make me stop loving you.”

“Even though I’m fat?”

He laughs and pulls back to look at her. He tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and smiles. “You’re beautiful.”

“I’m a beached whale. I’m already the same size I was when I was almost nine months with Kayla, and I still have four moths to go.”

He stares at her and smiles. Face flushed, red nosed, and bleary eyes and she’s still the most beautiful woman he ever had the pleasure to lay eyes on. “You’re beautiful. Now, if you don’t mind, I would like to take my beautiful wife out to lunch.”

“Don’t you have to go back to work?”

“I took the rest of the day off so I could spend some quality time with you. I wanna take you home and have some fun,” he grins and winks at her.

Make her smile. It’ll help her remember the conversation as an enjoyable experience and it may even make her think about engaging in another conversation with you…

She rolls her eyes and shakes her head, but smiles nonetheless. “You heard what Mark said. No sex.”

“I talked with Mark when he took you off restricted bed rest. He let me know what was ok and what wasn’t. Now, shall we?”

“Hmm. Now that you say that, maybe we can skip lunch and go straight to desert?” she asks, ginning mischievously.

“Oh no. Lunch first. You- I mean, desert later.”

*

They walk out of the restaurant hand in hand. Olivia in better much spirits after plenty of French fries dipped in sweet honey mustard and an oreo brownie sundae covered in hot fudge and caramel. “Hey, this guy has strawberries, mind if we go over there?” He asks and she nods in agreement. They head over to the small bodega and she busies herself looking through the man’s large arrangement of flowers as well as fruits.

“As I live and breathe. Benson, is that you?”

She looks up at the familiar voice and smiles when she sees that it belongs to exactly who she thinks it does. “Well if it isn’t Brian Cassidy.”

He walks over and hugs her quickly. “I see you’ve been busy. Is this your first?”

“No. Second and third. We have a two-year-old named Kayla as well.”

“Wow. You’ve been really busy.” 

“What about you?”

He flips out his wallet and shows her a picture of him with his arms around a beautiful blonde, and another with two children. The girl a brunette, the boy a blonde. “That’s my wife Darcy, and this is Matt, 2, and this here is Judith, she’s 4. Maybe my boy and your girl can get together some day.”

“Yea, over my husband’s dead body.”

“Husband?” She smiles wiggles her diamond ring in front of his face. “Who’s the lucky guy?”

“Hey Liv, you ready?” Elliot calls.

“No,” Cassidy says in disbelief. “Olivia, I know I said you’d always be married to the job, but this is a bit much.”

She laughs fully and heartily. “What can I say, the heart wants what it wants.”

“Well, I wish it would have told me. I wouldn’t have wasted my time falling for you all those years ago if I knew the whole time all you wanted was your partner.”

“I wasn’t in love with him then.”

“Wasn’t in love with me when,” Elliot asks as he comes up behind her. “Cassidy, you’re not interrogating my wife are you now?”

“No no. Just a friendly conversation. Showing off the kids and such. How’ve you been?” Cassidy asks and shakes Elliot’s hand.

“Good, you?”

“Great.”

“Still in narcotics?”

“No. I transferred to Homicide after my daughter was born. Couldn’t do the undercover stints anymore.”

“I understand.”

“How ‘bout you? Still working special victs?”

“Yea. Olivia transferred to computer crimes after our daughter was born. Speaking of which, did Liv show you a pic?”

“She did not.” Elliot whips out his wallet and points out their daughter. “Wow, that little girl is definitely a Stabler. Especially with those eyes.”

“Yea, but she’s definitely her mother’s daughter.” Olivia elbows him in the gut. “I meant that in the nicest way possible.”

“She’s got your smile, Liv, and that hair. Well let’s just say we both know where she didn’t get it from.”

“Very funny, Cassidy.”

“Well I gotta get going. On the job.”

“Alright, well we’ll talk later.”

Cassidy takes out a business card and jots down a number on the back. “My desk and cell are on the front, and that’s my house on the back. Call so we can set up a play date. My wife and I meet up with my partner and one of my buddies from narcotics every other Saturday, and let the kids play. Drink coffee and talk. It’s a good time. You guys should come.”

“Sure,” Elliot says. 

“Call Darcy, she’ll set it up,” Brian calls over his shoulder as he walks away.

“Well, that was a blast from the past,” Elliot says as he looks over the card.

“Yea. I haven’t talked to him in years. Though this play date thing might be weird given our past.”

“It’s only weird if you make it weird.” He pulls his hand that she didn’t realize he was hiding from behind his back and produces a bouquet of red roses. “Happy Valentine’s Day Liv.” 

She smiles and takes the proffered gift. “Thank you. They’re beautiful,” she says then kisses him. 

“It gets better. The vender had chocolate covered strawberries.”

…Romance her. Take her out for dinner. Buy her flowers. Spice up your bedroom. She may be a hard as nails detective, but she’s still a woman. Treat her like one. Treat her like the woman you love. Treat her like the woman you can’t live without. Treat her like a Queen…


	12. Chapter 12

Elliot toes off his shoes after he steps into his home at the end of a long day. He walks into the living room to find the TV blaring, his kids and their friends crowded around it as they watch the latest episode of Jersey Shore.

“Food!” Rick’s friend, Toby, calls before he bounds off the couch and rushes up to him and takes the take-out bags out of his hand. “Thanks, Mr. Stabler,” the boy calls as he rushes to the kitchen and begins taking down plates and cups. His children’s friends are right at home in his house. With all the sleepovers and hang out sessions, it’s like they have two more kids. He’s not sure how they are going to afford them once the babies come, especially Toby. The boy has a bottomless pit for a stomach. 

“Thanks Dad,” Rick says as he runs past him.

“Thanks Dad,” Lizzie calls as well.

“Thanks Mr. Stabler,” Lizzie’s friend, Mary, says as she passes by, Kayla on her hip. She’s obsessed with the toddler and how “cute” she is, and Kayla revels in the attention.

“Hey you guys, help your sister.”

“I’ve got it, Mr. Stabler,” Mary calls back and watches as she puts chicken fingers on a plate in front of Kayla, then asking her if she would like some fried rice. 

 

As costly as it may be to have them around, neither he nor Olivia seem to have the heart to turn them away. Neither are quite sure what Toby’s home situation is, but he never seems to want to go home and he’s always there. He’s there every night for dinner, and some mornings for breakfast under the guise of needing a ride to school. He’s there every weekend and every snow day and just about every holiday. He doesn’t understand it, because he’s met the boy’s parents and they seem like nice people, but he doesn’t understand why they do not feel the need to spend any time with their son. He and Olivia have discussed looking into it more, but Toby is a good boy. He’s polite and helpful around the house and a good friend to Rick, and they do not want to ruin that for him. They know that Toby’s parents fight a lot and he guesses that is what he is running from, but still. They should want to spend more time with their child. With Mary, he and Olivia understand. Her father is some high powered corporate attorney who cares more about billable hours than quality time with his daughter. They still haven’t met him yet. Her mother is a socialite that cares more about what other socialites think of her and her family than what her daughter thinks of her. Her days and nights are filled with tea parties, charity functions, all day shopping trips, and gossip luncheons at the club. When Mary says her parents are picking her up they’ve come to realize that it means that her mother will be sending the limo, and the house staff will be the only ones home. He can tell she loves the family atmosphere at their home. Being surrounded by people that actually like you for you rather than those hoping that you’ll put in a good word for them to get a raise. It may be extra mouths to feed but these children need them and neither he nor his wife have it in their hearts to turn their back on them.

Speaking of which…

He grabs the bag he hid in the foyer and heads upstairs to see her. He finds her passed out in bed surrounded by piles of laundry, her laptop still on her lap. He smiles. She must have fallen asleep while working. She started working from home a few weeks ago. He brings her files to work in the morning and brings some back each evening, but tonight he has none- she’s still working on the last ones he brought her. He sits on the edge of the bed and kisses her awake like a prince in a fairy tale.

“Hey,” she smiles and pulls him down for more.

“Hey,” he replies. “Who’s all this laundry for?”

She looks at the piles that surround her. “Yours, mine, and your children. That pile is Kayla’s so if you could put that away for me. In the right drawers. And the other pile is Rick’s.”

“You’re doing Rick’s laundry?”

“Yes, because just like his father, he’d rather wear your socks than wash the dirty ones.”

“I don’t wear anyone else’s socks.”

“No, you just buy new ones. What did you bring me?”

“Beef and broccoli and vegetable lo mein.”

“You didn’t leave it downstairs did you?”

“No. I learned that lesson last time.” He lifts the take-out bag and hands it to her. She tries several times to sit up, but to no avail. He laughs.

“Stop laughing and help me up, asshole.”

He takes both of her hands and pulls her up then tucks one of the pillows behind her back. “How’s your back been today?”

“Still hurts.”

“I’ll massage it for you later.”

“Thanks.”

He stands and removes his blazer, but thinks twice before depositing it on the bed when she eyes him cautiously. “I’m going to hang this up and get rid of this laundry,” he says instead.

“Yea, I thought so,” she snarks.

He returns to their room a few minutes later to find her using her stomach as a table. He can’t help but smile. “Is this what pregnant women are doing these days?”

She looks up at him and grins. “I don’t know, but it’s what this one is doing. Besides, I might as well use it while I have it.”

He takes a box of pork-fried rice out of the bag and some chopsticks. “Speaking of which, I don’t want you doing any more laundry while you’re pregnant. You shouldn’t be carrying anything in front of you, and you know I don’t like it when you go down those stairs.

“I don’t carry anything. The kids help, and you worry too much.”

He places his rice on her make-shift table then reaches for the beef and broccoli. “You’re supposed to be resting.”

“Not too long ago you said I should get out more. Now that I’m getting out you say I should be resting.”

“You weren’t almost nine months pregnant.”

“I’m thirty-two weeks.”

“Close enough. Either way, you should be resting more.”

“Sure,” she replies and switches her lo mein box for his rice. “How’s the babies’ room coming?”

“Like you haven’t looked,” he scoffs.

“Well, it’s a mess.”

“These things take time.”

“Well, how long are we going to keep all those things from the baby shower in Kayla’s room.”

“Rick, Toby, and I will finish the painting tonight then all that’s left is to assemble the furniture.”

“I thought we agreed to paint the room yellow.”

“Yellow sucks.”

“Is that what you’re going to tell your daughters when they ask why their room is blue?”

“No, I’m going to tell our sons that Isle of Capri was a lot better looking than the Citrus you picked out.” She stares at him as if he’s grown a second head. “What?” he asks around a mouthful or rice.

“You’ve been spending too much time with those paint splotches.”

“You’re just jealous that my color is better than yours and you don’t want to admit it.”

“Yea, that’s it,” she laughs and rolls her eyes. “Just make sure the room is done by the time the babies get here.”

“We have two months.”

“No. Twins are known to come early.”

“I’ll have the room done in no time. Don’t worry.”

Olivia glares at him.

*

The next morning Elliot groans when his alarm clock goes off. He hits the snooze button twice before finally deciding to get up. He takes his time relieving himself, washing his face, brushing his teeth and shaving. When he finally steps out he is surprised to see his wife is still in bed. Normally she is up, getting Kayla ready and waking up his kids. 

“Liv,” he calls. She moans back at him. “You ok?” he asks and walks over to her side of the bed.

“Tired,” she responds. “Can you get Kayla ready for me today?”

“Sure, anything. You sure you’re feeling alright?”

She speaks to him with her eyes closed. “Yea. Wake up Rick too. Make sure you call him before you start getting Kayla ready and again after. If he doesn’t get up just pull the covers off of him and take them with you otherwise he’ll just pull them back on.”

He smiles. “Don’t worry, I’ll get him up.” 

“Just put on a pair of jeans on her. It shouldn’t be too bad today so she can wear short sleeves, but put on one of her Old Navy fleeces on her just in case.”

Elliot sits on the edge of the bed and tucks her hair behind her ear. She doesn’t feel warm. “Liv, you sure you’re ok? Normally-”

“I’m fine, El. I’m just tired.”

“You sure that’s all? Because if not-”

“Elliot. I am thirty-two weeks pregnant with not one, but two of your offspring. I’m allowed to be tired. Especially when I spent most of the night going to and from the bathroom while you snored the night away.”

“I know, it’s just that normally-”

“You’re telling me to get back in bed and let you handle everything. Now that I’m staying in bed you’re worried. In fact, weren’t you the one telling me just yesterday that I need to rest more?” 

“I know, I can see the irony in the situation.”

“Go get Kayla ready, and don’t forget to make her cheerios and milk.”

“I won’t.”

“And Lizzie’s paper is on the dinning table. She asked me to give it another once over and I left it there for her. Make sure she takes it.”

“Got it,” he says and begins to head for the door.

“Also, can you bring Kayla by so I can say goodbye?”

“You mean so you can inspect my work?”

“Yea, that too.”

“Sure.” He reaches the doorpost when she calls to him again.

“And El?”

“Yea?”

“I love you.”

“Love you too,” he replies then goes to get their children ready.   
*

He returns with their daughter several minutes later and sits on Olivia’s side of the bed with her on his lap. “Liv,” he calls softly.

She opens her eyes and smiles when she sees their daughter. “Hi Baby,” she croons.

“Hi Mommy.”

“All ready for school?” she nods. “Good. Can Mommy get a hug?” The little girl gives her mother a hug. “What about a kiss?” she kisses her quickly. “I love you.” 

“Love you Mommy.”

“Why don’t you run downstairs and ask your sister to help you put on your jacket?” Elliot tells her.

“Ok.” He sets her down and she toddles off down the stairs.

“A head band, I see your hair dressing skills are improving,” she teases.

“Yea, something like that.”

“You’re not wearing a suit to work? You should have a couple left that you haven’t worn yet.” she asks, taking note of his casual dress.

“I’m not going to work today. I’m staying home with you. I’m just going to drop the kids off and then come back here to wait on you and do some work on the baby room.”

“Elliot, I told you I’m just-”

“I know. Tired. And that’s why you’re going to stay in bed and let me take care of you all day.”

“El, I’ll be fine.”

“I know, because I’m going to be here to see to it. Now, I better get going before they’re late.”

“Alright, how’d waking up Rick go?” 

“Piece of cake?”

“Liar.”

“It was.”

“What’d you do?”

“Same thing I used to do to his sisters. I sent Kayla in to wake him up. He used to love it when I let him do that. My way of inflicting some karma of my own.”

“Nice,” she chuckles before snuggling back under the covers and going to sleep.

*

She wakes later, still exhausted and slightly disoriented. She glances at the clock and sees that it is shortly after eleven and grimaces at the pounding in her head. Her throat is dry, but she is too tired to get up. “Elliot,” she tries, but no sound comes out. She clears her throat and tries again. “Elliot!” this time her voice carries throughout the empty halls, but there is no answer. She knows that she is not going to fall back asleep without a drink of water so she gives in. With a sigh she flips the covers off of her and maneuvers her large pregnant body off of the bed. She stands and she takes a moment to right herself before waddling down the hall. She peeks into the nursery to see if he’s in there, but the room is still and silent and still in various stages of repair. She continues shuffling down the hall and checks the other bedrooms and bathroom before coming to a halt at the top of the stairs. “Elliot!” she calls down, but once again, there is no answer. She holds the banister and takes one careful step down the steps, then another and another. 

She doesn’t see it coming. 

She stumbles and before she can realize what’s happening, she is falling. She grapples for the banister, the rails, anything to keep her from tumbling down, but all she can feel is thin air and a sharp pain in her head. No one hears her scream or the sickening thud her body makes when it comes to a heap at the bottom of the stairs. No one is there to wake her unconscious form. 

No one.


	13. Chapter 13

She comes to minutes later and clenches her eyes shut at the blinding sunlight pouring in from their bay window. She cries out when lightning hot pain shoots through her abdomen. “No,” she cries “No.” My babies, she thinks. She reaches down and touches herself. She pulls back a shaky hand, her fingertips covered in blood. “No,” she whimpers and cries out loud when the pain shoots through her again. She gathers up what little strength she has and drags her body across their hard wood floors. She reaches an end table in the living room, out of breath and in more pain than she ever thought possible. She stretches up a shaky hand and feels around until she knocks over the cordless. It falls to the floor and she quickly picks it up and attempts to dial. The numbers swirl in front of her as she feels herself beginning to fade. She manages to dial three little numbers before she gives in and falls into unconsciousness.

*

The next time she comes to the light is still blinding, but this time it’s a different light, this light is overhead and this time she’s moving.

“Ma’am. Ma’am,” someone calls loudly. 

She groans. 

“Ma’am, my name is Jennifer. Can you tell me your name?”

“Olivia,” she breathes in to the oxygen mask on her face. 

“Olivia what, Ma’am?”

“My husband,” she mumbles.

“What?”

“He’s a cop. Stabler. Works at the 1-6.”

“Your husband is a cop?”

She tries to nod, but realizes that she’s been strapped down, her neck and head completely immobilized. “The 1-6. Stabler,” she mumbles, and then she’s gone.

*

“Stabler, what are you doing here? I thought you called out,” Munch says when he sees Elliot saunter into the squad room. 

“Just when I thought it was going to be a good day,” Fin mumbles.

“Haha,” Elliot deadpans as he passes Fin’s desk. “I know, I did. Traffic out there is a bitch. What are they fixing now?”

“Who knows?” Fin mumbles.

“I’m just picking up some files to do at home. Try to get some work done.” 

“How’s the lovely wife.”

He shuffles through the files on his desk and stacks up a few. “She’s doing good. I better hurry up and get back to her before she wakes up. Have you seen the Scheffler file?”

“It’s a miracle you can find anything in that mess,” Fin grumbles.

“I know where everything is.”

“Yea, that’s why you’re asking us,” Fin snarks. “Because you know where everything is.”

He shifts a few more files around. “Maybe the Captain has it,” he heads over to the man’s office and knocks on the door before entering. “Hey, Capt. You have the Scheffler file?”  
Cragen hangs up the phone and Elliot can tell by the look on his face that something is wrong. “Capt?” Elliot questions.

“It’s Olivia.”

*

Olivia cries out as another contraction rips through her. Nurses and doctors bustle in and out of the trauma room. One sits between her legs, telling another doctor how many centimeters she’s dilated. Another attends to the wound above her right eye. Another reads her stats off the many monitors they have on her. 

She’s scared. 

They all talk to her without really telling her anything.

All they tell her is to calm down. That everything will be fine.

She would like nothing more than to believe them, but the pain hasn’t subsided since she’s gotten here. It’s only seemed to intensify, and the urge to push seems to overwhelm her.

But it’s too early.

They say twins come early, but thirty-two weeks is still too early. 

They’re not ready. The room isn’t done. The furniture hasn’t been assembled and neither has the crib. The bottles haven’t been sterilized. They haven’t installed the car seats. They haven’t even picked out outfits to bring the babies home in.

She is relieved when Dr. Mark Phillips comes in and takes charge. “I need vitals on all three of my patients,” he tells them, and they only seem to eye him with contempt. “NOW,” he orders.

“Dr. Phillips, we understand your this is your patient, but we’re all qualified and working towards the same goal.”

“You’re right. We are all qualified, but this is my patient. This has been a difficult pregnancy full of complications, none of which any of you know of, and none of which I have the time to explain to you. You want to get into a pissing match, fine. But now is not the time. Now is the time for me to do my job and take care of my patient. So, can I get some vitals, now.”

They hand him charts. “We already paged O.B; they should be someone coming down any minute.”

“Call them back tell them to send Dr. Stevens. I need a surgeon, not an intern. And when she asks why, tell her her husband is asking for her help.”

Olivia lowers her mask, “Mark,” she calls. 

He takes her hand in his and places the mask back on her face. “Olivia, hey, how’re you holding up?”

“Elliot.”

“Has someone called her husband?”

“Yes, he’s on his way.”

“See he’s coming.”

A contraction tears through her and she clenches the doctor’s hand in hers. “I need to push,” she pants.

“No, Olivia. Whatever you do. Don’t. Push.”

“Baby B, is in distress,” one of the doctors call.

“Shit. Let’s get her up to the O.R. now!”

“What’s going on?” she asks as they begin wheeling her away.

“One of the babies, isn’t doing too well. We have to get them out now.”

“But, Elliot-”

“I know, but if we don’t get these babies out within the next ten minutes, they might die.”

*

Elliot slams down on his horn. There’s some kind of construction going on up ahead and it’s caused a gridlock several blocks back. He took one of the sedans, but his siren isn’t getting him anywhere in this traffic. His mind is racing a mile a minute. He doesn’t know what happened, he doesn’t know what’s going on. He knew something was wrong when he left that morning, and he left anyway. He slams on the horn one more time, then gives in. 

He gets out of the car and he runs.

Runs.

He dodges pedestrians, cars, and street venders his mind focused on reaching his goal.

Faster.

His feet hit the pavement faster than they ever have before. He can feel his breath escape him but his lungs gasp.   
Faster.

Harder.

His heart beats harder in his chest, he can hear the pounding in his ears. He can feel the adrenaline course through his veins. He can feel the burning as the lactic acid builds up in the overworked muscles of his theighs.

He must get there. 

He has no other choice.

He hears sirens and knows he is nearing the hospital. 

He dodges a homeless man, a jogger, a mother walking her baby on this warm April morning, and then he finally sees the building he’s been heading towards. Blocks away. 

He must get there. 

He has no other choice.

*  
Olivia lays on the operating table as the doctors and nurses rush around her. They’re trying to get the babies out as soon as possible. They drape her exposed body with thin blue paper sheets. She can feel the coldness of the iodine as they rub it on her stomach. The anesthesiologist above her head pushes drugs into the IV in her arm and she quickly loses all feeling below her chest.

She’s scared, and worst of all: Elliot is not here.

He had been big on being there for every appointment. Every sonogram. Registering for her baby shower. He wanted to be there for everything. He wanted them to do this together, and now he was going to miss the biggest part. 

She closes her eyes and finally allows her tears to bleed through.

“Shhh,” he says and wipes away her tears. “I’m right here.”

“Elliot?” she asks and opens her eyes to see a blurry figure dressed in blue.

“Yea it’s me,” he says and kisses her temple.

She looks over at him and can see he’s dressed in scrubs complete with foam cap and mask. “I didn’t think you’d make it.”

“Please. How could I miss this?”

“I’m sorry,” she sobs. 

“Shhh. Don’t cry, Liv. You did nothing wrong.” A nurse brings over a stool and he sits down beside her.

“Getting started,” Mark calls, and they both sit quietly and wait for the cries of their children.

They don’t have to wait long. 

A soft wail fills the room and Olivia releases tears of joy.

“Elliot, come cut the cord, hurry” Mark tells him. He walks over and is back seconds later.

“It’s a boy!” Elliot exclaims, and his eyes are so bright and so happy she can’t help but smile.

“Alright Olivia, Baby B is really in there so you’re going to feel some pressure.”

“Ok,” she replies. Elliot stays by her side and she groans when she does feel said pressure. 

“You’re doing great,” Elliot tells her. “Just a few more seconds.”

She gasps at the amount of pressure being exerted on her, and she tries her best to hold it together because she knows Elliot is terrified at this point and she doesn’t want to scare him more.

“Elliot,” Mark calls, and Elliot stands. 

She waits with bated breath and then…

Another soft wail fills the room.

“Two boys,” he smiles. “Boys!”

“I couldn’t wait to see your face.”

“You knew?”

“I saw when I had the surgery. I wanted you to be surprised.”

“I love you so much,” he tells her and kisses her on the lips.

“Me too. Can I see them?”

“Hold on, let me go see.”

He walks over and he can tell by the frantic way they’re moving that everything is Not Ok. One of them is a deathly shade of blue. “What’s going on?” he asks and no one answers him.

“El?” she calls.

“Why’s he blue?” he asks them.

“We need to run some tests on your sons,” one of the doctors says as the others load them into separate incubators. 

“Where are you taking them?”

“The NICU.”

“Elliot?” Olivia calls.

He walks over to her. “They’re taking them to the NICU.”

“I heard you say, say something about being blue?” she stutters.

“They’re going to run some tests.”

“Go with them,” she says as she tries to keep her eyes open. She can feel herself beginning to fade.

“No, I want to stay with you.”

“They shouldn’t be alone. Go with them.”

“Alright. I’ll be right back.”

She nods. “I love you,” she calls to his retreating form.

“Love you too,” he tells her and follows behind the doctors and nurses as they wheel away their sons.

She watches him go and then finally gives in and lets the darkness consume her.

*

Elliot returns only minutes later after finding out that he can’t be with their children while they run their tests, but the doctors assure him that they will inform him as soon as they know anything. He re-enters the operating room and stopped in his tracks by the horrible scene before his eyes.

His wife’s blood coats the doctors’ arms and body. It stains and trails down the blue sheets to pool around the doctors’ feet.

“Hang another unit of type A, and page Dr. Marshall, I need another set of hands,” the female doctor calls.

“Olivia?”

Mark looks up, “Someone get him out of here!”

“No! I want to know what’s going on,” Elliot says and shakes off the nurses’ hands.

“Elliot, I can’t argue with you right now. We’re trying to save your wife’s life right now, and we can’t do that with you in the room, so I need you to go. Now!” 

He glances at the doctor and then his wife. He knows he’s right. He stares at Olivia, now intubated on the table, one more time and follows the nurse out to the O.R waiting room where he finds Casey waiting. “Cragen called me as soon as you left. What’s going on?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

“The babies are in the NICU and Olivia’s still in the OR.”

“What do you need me to do?”

“Get Kayla, and my kids. Call Kathy. Ask her to pick them up. Get Kayla and keep her for me. You have your key?”

“Yea. Yea. Call me as soon as you know anything?”

“Yea. Yea, I’ll do that.”

He sits in the waiting room and it’s not long before Mark comes out. He quickly stands and meets him. “What’s going on?” 

Mark shakes his head. “I’m so sorry.”

“No,” he shakes his head. “No. Don’t.”

“She’s not dead, Elliot, but she’s hemorrhaging, and it’s bad. We’re running out of options. She’s losing blood faster than we can put it in.”

“I don’t understand. It’s a C-section. You guys do this all the time.”

“Yes, but complications can always arise. We think it has to do with the fall.”

“Well, then fix them! Fix it. Fix her. That’s what you do. I catch criminals and you save lives. So do your job and save my wife.”

Mark stares at him with sincere blue eyes. “Elliot, we both know it’s not that simple. We may be able to keep her alive long enough for you to say goodbye.”

“No,” he says and he does nothing to hide his tears. “Look, I don’t like you, and I haven’t hesitated to make that known, but she likes you. She trusts you. She believes in your skills. Now I need you to make good on that and do something. Anything. Just don’t let her die. Please. Don’t let her die.”

Mark sighs, knowing that Elliot will not take no for an answer. “I’ll do my best,” he says and heads on his way. 

Elliot takes his seat back in the waiting room area and begins to pray. It’s not long before he’s met with another doctor. “Mr. Stabler?” she calls.

“Yea?”

“I’m here to talk to you about your son’s condition.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Your son displayed a bluish color. It’s from a heart condition known as a Septal defect. Essentially, there’s a hole your son’s heart. As a result, his blood isn’t circulating properly to the rest of his body, hence the blue color. It’s also causing his heart to work overtime. We need to perform surgery to correct this immediately.”

“But…but he was just born minutes ago. You want him to have open heart surgery?”

“With the other complications… The TTTS, being premature. We’re not sure how long he can survive without the surgery.”

“Can’t the surgery kill him since he’s premature?”

“There is that chance yes.”

“So he’s too weak to live without the surgery, and he may be too weak to live through it.”

“I know this isn’t easy for you Mr. Stabler.”

“Well, I can’t make this decision without my wife.”

“Sir, your son can’t wait,” she says and delicately hands him a clip board. “Please, Mr. Stabler,” he stares down at the form in front of him and picks up the pen. He signs his name then hands it back to her. 

“Thank you, Mr. Stabler. I’ll come out and update you periodically.” 

“Thanks.” He watches her enter through the O.R doors and Mark exit. He stands to meet him. “What’s wrong?”

“We think we have one more way to try and save your wife.”

“What?”

“A hysterectomy. Her uterus isn’t clotting, which is causing the hemorrhaging.” 

“If you perform a hysterectomy, that means…”

“She won’t be able to have anymore children.”

“I can’t. I-I. She’ll never forgive me.”

“She’ll be dead otherwise.” A nurse brings over a clipboard. “I need you to sign.” He stares down at the paper in front of him. “Elliot, she doesn’t have much time.”

He quickly signs the paper and hands it to him. “Please. Save my wife.”

“I’ll do my best.”


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Elliot stops in front of the door to his home and stares. The door doesn’t match. Probably because it had to be replaced after the paramedics kicked it in. The white of the door is a bit too bright. The gold lock and doorknob, too shiny. It’s all too new. He sighs and uses the new keys they gave him and it sticks instead of going in smoothly. He wiggles it a bit and eventually the door opens. He takes off his shoes and heads into the living room and can tell immediately that Casey had been there.

It’s too quiet.

The TV isn’t blaring with some Disney channel TV show. Lizzie’s music isn’t booming from the basement. Rick and Toby aren’t smack talking each other as they play the latest version of Madden. 

It’s too clean.

His daughter’s toys aren’t strewn about on the living room floor. She and Mary aren’t playing with her dolls and stuffed animals. Sparkly crayons aren’t around for him to trip over and break his neck. 

It’s too perfect.

Every couch cushion has been perfectly placed. There are no indents from teenage behinds. The area rug doesn’t have any rolls. The end tables and coffee table have been polished. The hard wood floors waxed. The phone sits perfectly in its holder. 

The one she used to call for help because he wasn’t there.

He heads up the stairs and stops when he reaches the beginning of the hallway. It’s quiet and cold. All doors have been closed. All doors, except for his. He heads into the bedroom and stops in the doorway. Their bed hasn’t been made. The sheets still form an indent of the place where she last slept. He walks over and sits on her side of the bed. He picks up her pillow and inhales deeply. 

It still smells like her.

Like Herbal Essences shampoo and conditioner.

Like Precious-bloom Caress. 

The sob he’s been holding in escapes him, and he lets another follow. And another, and another. Tears flow down his face and all he can feel is grief.

Sadness.

Hopelessness.

Despair.

Not long after he had signed the papers Mark had come back to tell him that their last ditch effort had been too late. She had lost too much blood and there was nothing more that they could do. They couldn’t even keep her alive long enough to give him a chance to say goodbye. 

Long enough for him to tell her he loved her.

Long enough for him to tell her he was sorry.

Long enough for him to beg her to stay.

He doesn’t know how to live without her. He doesn’t want to, but he knows he has to. He must go on for their children. Children he doesn’t know how to raise without her. He now regrets ever making her doubt her parenting skills because at this point he doesn’t know how to be a parent without her. He can’t get Kayla to sleep when she’s sick, and he doesn’t know how to explain to his sons that the reason they are alive is the reason she isn’t.

He lays down in her spot, and he can swear he can feel the warmth of her body even though he knows it’s long gone, and he can swear he can hear her calling him.

Elliot…

Elliot..

Elliot.

He snaps awake and her sleepy eyes stare back at him. 

“Liv!” he says excitedly and quickly hugs and kisses her, careful of her still swollen abdomen. “How’re you feeling?”

“Water,” she whispers hoarsely.

He fills a cup with the pitcher a nurse left earlier. He puts a straw in the cup and holds it up to her lips. She drinks hungrily for a minute and he refills her cup. Halfway through the third she pushes his hand away.

“You ok?”

“Yea… just… tired,” she sighs. “And my head hurts.”

“I guess that’s to be expected after everything, Knocked your head pretty hard. Four stitches and a concussion.” he pauses for a moment as she touches the bandage above her right eye. “Liv…what happened?”

Her eyes immediately fill. “I...I…fell. I woke up. I was thirsty. I must have been dehydrated or something because I remember being dizzy. I went to get something to drink, and-and I missed a step and…I fell,” her voice cracks. “I’m sorry,” she cries.

“Hey,” he croons and kisses her lips. “Don’t be sorry. This wasn’t your fault.”

“You tell me all the time to be careful on the steps, and I… I don’t know what happened.”

“It was an accident. You did nothing wrong.” 

She nods as he swipes away her tears. “How’s our boys? You haven’t mentioned them at all.”

He sighs. “Not so good.” She stares at him confused. “Julian,” he starts and she smiles at the name. “He’s on this C-pap machine to help him breathe. Lights, for the jaundice. Some other medications. Doctors say he’s doing ok for now, but he’s still not out of the woods yet.” 

“And Jordan?” she asks knowingly.

“Jordan…Jordan’s not doing so good. He umm. He had to have surgery. There was a hole in his heart. So they went in to repair it. They say the surgery went well, but…he’s touch and go right now, but he’s a fighter. Just like his mom. ”

“I want to see him.”

“Olivia, you just had major surgery. The doctor already told me-”

“I don’t give a damn about what some doctor says.”

“Well, you need to, because a few hours ago you were knocking on death’s door.”

“Well I’m not any more. I’m going, with or without your help,” she throws off her bed sheets, but the sharp pain that shoots through her abdomen causes her to double over, lose her balance, and fall into a crumpled heap on the floor.

“Liv!” Elliot calls and rushes over to the other side of the bed to help her up. She isn’t moving. “Olivia?”

She takes a few deep breaths then looks up at him with tear filled eyes. “I have to see him before… The first time I see him can’t be when he’s dead. Please.”

He sighs. “Let’s get you back in bed.” 

“Elliot.”

He puts her arm around his neck and lifts her carefully as she groans in his ear. He lays her back in bed and sees her gown is tinged with blood. “I gotta call your doctor. Looks like you popped a stitch or something.”

“Elliot.”

“I get what you’re saying, but I just can’t risk your health.”

“I need to see him, and if I have to load up on morphine and crawl on my hands and knees-”

“WILL YOU GIVE IT A REST!” his voice booms. “Do you know what the past twenty-four hours have been like for me?! Back and forth between your room and the NICU. Praying to God to spare all three of your lives. There was a point where I was trying to figure out how I was going to explain to our daughter that her mother wasn’t coming home. I’m not doing anything that’s going to put your life at risk. Now I’m going to get your doctor to have him stitch you back up. You can take up your cause with him, because my answer is ‘No!’”

*

Elliot shakes his head as he pushes Olivia’s wheel chair down the hall nearly an hour later. He should have known that she wouldn’t give up that easily. After endless pestering and reasoning her doctor finally agreed to allow her to see their children as long as she took it easy, and was back in bed within the hour.

They stop at the entrance to the NICU and after they are buzzed in he helps her wash up and put on a yellow gown. He puts one on himself before heading over to where their babies lay. The baby sleeps on a small table under bright florescent lights. His eyes are covered and tubes and wires cover his tiny body. “This is Julian,” he tells her.

She uses a shaky finger and gently touches his downy head. “Hi Julian,” she whispers.

He wheels her over to the next bed, the baby there is just as hooked up as the first one. He looks exactly the same except there is a bandage going down the center of his chest. “And this, is Jordan.” 

She places her finger in his tiny palm and he squeezes. “They look just like you. Figures,” she sighs.

“Really? I can’t even tell yet. They’re so small.”

“I can,” she replies dreamily. How much did they weigh?”

“Not much. Julian’s three pounds,two ounces. Fourteen inches. Jordan’s two pounds, fourteen ounces. Twelve inches.”

“I wish I could see their eyes. Do you know what color they are?”

“Blue.”

“Typical Stablers.”

“That dark hair is all Benson.”

“That’s true, because they definitely didn’t get it from you,” she teases and smiles when he nudges her. She gazes lovingly at their son. “They’re beautiful.” 

*

Elliot wheels her back into her room and helps Olivia back into bed with the aid of a nurse. “You hungry, we saved your lunch for you,” she says as wheels over her tray.

“No, I’m fine. I’m actually kind of tired.” 

“Ok. Well, it’s here when you want it. You guys feel free to page me if you need anything.”

“Actually, can I get something for the pain?”

“Sure how bad is it on a scale of 1-10?”

“About a 6?”

Elliot sighs. “She really means an 8,” he interjects knowing that her pain must be far worse for her to even mention it.

“I’ll talk to your doctor about giving you something extra or upping your morphine.”

“Thanks,” Olivia replies.

The nurse leaves the room and Elliot takes his seat beside her bed. “You should really eat something, Liv. You haven’t eaten in over a day.”

“I know. I’m not hungry. Can I see the photos?”

He hands her two Polaroids and she grins as she stares at them. “They’re amazing.” 

He pauses for a moment figuring this time was as good as any to tell her. “Liv…There’s something that I need to tell you.”

“What?”

“After they delivered the babies…you took a turn for the worst. You were bleeding. A lot. Nothing they were doing was working. Sooo they asked me…”

“What did you do?”

“You have to understand they said you would die without it.”

“What did you do?”

“I gave them permission to perform a hysterectomy.” 

She takes the news in silence. Her face registers shock and she blinks furiously to rid herself of her tears. “I guess we’re going to save a bunch on birth control from now on huh?”

“Liv…”

“You didn’t want more did you? I mean it’s not like we’re trying to start our own basketball team or something. Seven’s enough right?”

“Yea, seven is enough. Liv-”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“Olivia, this doesn’t mean I love you any less,” he links his hand with hers. “I’m just glad that you’re still here with me.” 

*

The next day Elliot helps Olivia back into bed after another visit to the NICU. “Are you going to eat today?”

She eyes the waiting tray with disgust. “I can’t eat that. That isn’t food.”

He laughs. “What would you call it then?”

“I don’t know, but I wouldn’t feed that crap to my dog.”

“Olivia, you have to eat something, and the doctor wants you to stay off processed food. So you need to eat that.”

“I’ll just throw it up like I did last night.”

“That was from the anesthesia and pain meds.” 

“That’s what they want you to believe. I’m sorry, but I won’t eat that.”

He sighs. “Must you always be so stubborn?” 

“You love it.”

“Lucky for you I saw this coming and spoke to your doctor about what you can and cannot eat while you were sleeping last night. I’m going to head down to the cafeteria and see if they have anything on that list.” 

“See. I knew I married you for a reason.”

“I’ll be right back,” he kisses the top of her head then heads out the door. He returns with some chicken noodle soup, crackers, and a bottle of apple juice. He’s surprised by the person he sees waiting outside the elevator doors. “Kathy. What are you doing here?”

“I came to see how things were. If there was anything I could do to help.”

“No. You taking the kids is helping enough.”

“You sure? What about Kayla? You need any help with her?”

“Kayla’s all set. She’s staying with her Godmother.”

“How’s Olivia? The boys? Congratulations, by the way.”

“Thanks, and they’re all doing fine. Getting stronger everyday.”

“How are you doing?”

“Me? Oh, I’m fine.”

“Elliot, c’mon. It’s me. You don’t have to pretend.”

“Really, Kathy I’m ok. I gotta get this to Liv, she’s really needs to eat something.”

“Elliot,” she places a gentle hand on his upper arm then pulls him in for hug. He stands there for a full minute before his resolve finally breaks and he cries. The emotions he’s been holding in for the past two days bubble up to the top and he holds her close. 

Olivia looks up when her nurse bustles into the room. “Afternoon, Olivia. How are you feeling?”

“Hey, Maggie. I’m feeling ok.” she says, and holds out her arm so that the nurse can take her blood pressure. “A little hungry, but my husband went down to the cafeteria to get me something better than that,” Olivia says nodding towards the tray of hospital food.

“I know, it’s pretty bad. Just about everybody complains about the food here. Lucky for you the cafeteria food is a little better,” she says as she jots down Olivia’s vitals. “I just need to check your sutures.”

Olivia lays back and exposes her abdomen. “He’s actually been gone for awhile. Have you seen my husband?”

“Oh, he’s right outside talking to some blond lady. Sutures look good. How’s the pain? The Ibuprofen helping?”

“Yea. I feel great. How long has he been out there?”

“Not long. Want me to send him in?”

“No, that’s ok. I’m sure he’ll be in, in a moment.”

“Alright. Page me if you need anything.”

Olivia waits until the nurse is gone before getting up out of bed. She ignores the pain in her gut, and takes her time shuffling towards the door. Her heart drops when she looks through the small window in her door and sees him in her arms. She feels her legs weaken and walks shakily back to bed. Moments later Elliot comes into the room. “Hey, Liv. They had chicken noodle. Hope that’s ok,” he says as he removes the hospital issued food and replaces it with the proffered goods.

“Sounds good. Took you awhile, was the line long?” 

“Yea. I guess I got there right in the middle of the lunch time rush.”

She nods. “How are the kids doing?”

“Casey has Kayla. Says she’s doing fine. She can bring her by later today if you want.”

“Yea, I’d like that,” she takes a bite of her soup. “The twins doing ok?”

“Which set?” he jokes.

“You know which set.”

“They’re ok. They want to come see you and the boys.”

“We should probably hold off on that until they’re doing a little better. I don’t want the first time they see them to be when they’re hooked up to a bunch of machines.”

“I agree.”

“When did you talk to them?”

“Last night when you were sleeping.”

“Kathy ok keeping them or is she having trouble getting to and from school?” 

“It’s hard with her work hours, but she’s been dropping them off at the house and picking them up there after work.”

Olivia nods. “So were you planning on telling me that you met with Kathy or are you just going to keep lying to me?”

“What?”

She sighs and then pushes away her tray. “I saw you hugging Kathy.”

“Olivia, its not what you think.”

“I don’t care. I don’t care anymore. You know I’m so tired of this!”

“Olivia-”

“When is this going to stop?! Seriously Elliot. When is this going to stop?”

“She just came by to see how things were going. She gave me a hug to offer me some comfort. That’s all. It didn’t mean anything.”

“If it didn’t mean anything then why did you lie?”

“I never-”

“I just asked you why you took so long with the food. You said the lines were long because of the lunchtime rush. It’s three o’clock.”

“Olivia…”

“You know I’ve done everything. Everything I possibly could to make this marriage work, but it’s clear where your heart belongs.”

“Olivia.”

“I went to counseling. Did my best to open myself up to you and talk to you again even though it scared the shit out of me. I gave you children. I gave up my best friend-” 

“I-”

“I know you didn’t ask me to, but you didn’t have to. Because I knew that was what you wanted. I knew you would never trust me or look at me the same if you knew I was still friends with him. And yet I have to be ok with you still continuing a relationship with a woman you not only have history with, but cheated on me with not once, but twice. The fact that you have children with her doesn’t make it any easier. I love you Elliot, but I can’t do this anymore. I’m tired of always wondering if you’re cheating on me with her. Of forgiving you over and over again. I can’t live this way. Not anymore.”

“Olivia, you’re angry and upset. Your hormones-”

“Don’t try to blame this on my fucking hormones! You know what? Just go.”

“No. We need to talk about this.”

“I have nothing left to say.”

“Olivia-”

“Elliot, right now I can’t even look at you, and I seriously don’t know why I married a cheating bastard like you in first place. At this point there’s nothing you can say or do to make this better. So just go before I page security to escort you out.”

“I’m not leaving.”

She pushes the button to page her nurse and she turns up after a few moments. “Everything ok?”

“No, can you page security to escort Mr. Stabler here out.”

The young nurse turns to Elliot. “Please Mr. Stabler, just go. Don’t let me page security.” 

“I’m not. Going.”

She pulls him by the arm outside. “Look, Mr. Stabler, from what I saw between you and that other woman-”

“Nothing happened between me and that other woman.”

“When I went to check on her she asked me about you. I told her you were talking to her, which was what you were doing when I went in. When I came out, it was something different, and I’m guessing from what I overheard she saw that, too.” 

“It was just a hug. It didn’t meant anything!” he says exasperatedly.

“Your wife’s been through a lot, Mr. Stabler.”

“So have I.”

“But you didn’t just lose your uterus. Right now she’s feeling like less than a woman and she just found you in the arms of another woman. Add in her hormones…” he sighs. “Give her some time. Go home. Eat. Shower. Get a good night’s sleep. You’ve been here for forty-eight hours straight. I’ll make sure you get in to see her tomorrow. By then she will have calmed down and will be thinking more clearly.”

Elliot's shoulders fall in resignation. He knows she is right. With one final glance at his wife's door, he trudges to the elevator and home to his empty house


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Olivia runs a finger down the soft skin of Julian’s arm. In the bed beside him, his brother sleeps peacefully. They’re doing well, but they both still have a long way to go. Outside the NICU there is a commotion and she smiles when she hears a familiar voice. “Hey, Jen,” she calls to a nurse nearby. 

“Anything wrong Mrs. Stabler?”

She cringes at the name.“Please, call me Olivia.”

“Sure thing, what’s up?” 

“There’s a woman outside giving Patty a hard time. Can you do me a favor and just have them let her in. Really, it’s not worth the trouble.”

“Only family is allowed in.”

“She is.”

The nurse sighs. “Sure. I’ll let them know.”

A few minutes later Casey walks into the NICU. “You do know this is supposed to be a peaceful place, right.”

“The stupid nurse wouldn’t let me in. I was this close to threatening them with legal action. I almost told them I was your wife.” Olivia just shakes her head. “So this is them?” She smiles.

Olivia can’t help, but smile back.“Yea, this is Julian,” she points to one bed, “And that’s Jordan.”

“They’re beautiful, Liv.”

“Thanks. How’s my baby girl?”

“Elliot picked her up earlier this evening. Said he wanted to spend some time with her.” Olivia nods. “You wanna tell me what’s going on with you two?” she asks as she lightly touches Jordan’s hand. He grips her finger when she places it in his tiny palm.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Olivia.”

“I’m just…done.”

“Olivia, now’s not the time for you to be thinking about divorce. You have two babies that need you two. Together.”

“Well, I can’t help it if their father wants to be with someone else.”

“That’s not true-”

“I caught him hugging Kathy. Here. In the hospital, right outside my room door.”

“I’m sure there is a logical explanation-”

“I don’t care what his explanation is. I’m tired of this,” she sighs. “I have three kids now. A mortgage, car payments, and a stressful job. I can’t keep wondering everyday whether or not my husband is cheating on me. I don’t have the time. I don’t have the strength. I don’t have the energy. If she’s what he wants then he can have her and I can move on.” 

“Olivia, look how hard he’s fought for you. For the past what? Three years that man has been fighting for you.”

“He wouldn’t have to fight if he could keep it in his pants.”

“He’s not perfect, Olivia. But neither are you, or have we already forgotten about Peter.”

“Peter and I were friends.”

“A friend you slept with. While you were still married to him, then proceeded to have a friendship with behind your husband’s back. How do you think that made him feel?”

Olivia sighs. As much as she’d hate to admit it, she has been just as wrong in all this as he has. For every bit he’s hurt her, she’s hurt him back. She’s been difficult and selfish while he had been neglectful and seemingly uncaring. They’ve both been harsh. She stares at her son as his chest repeatedly rises and falls. He deserves better. Their children deserve better. “You’re right.”

“I know I’m right. You guys have three kids now. You had your chance to nip this in the bud, but you didn’t. You married him knowing full well who he was and how he is.”

“I know Casey, but that doesn’t excuse his behavior.”

“You’re right. But at least he’s trying to change and he’s trying to change for you. Because he loves you.”

“I know.”

“You need to do the same. Not just for him, but for your kids. You brought them into this mess. It’s not fair for them to have to suffer through it.”

“I know. Casey, I know! Now can you just…give it a rest already?”

“I’m sorry. I just know what it’s like to be raised in a broken home. I wouldn’t wish that on anybody.”

“And I grew up with an alcoholic that saw me as a constant reminder of the monster that brutalized her and ruined her life. I can’t do that to my kids by staying with a man that makes me feel the way I’m feeling right now,” she turns back to her son and notices that he feels warmer and his breathing has increased. She pushes the button to page the nurse.

“Olivia-”

“Shut up Casey, I think something’s wrong.”

“Olivia?” Jen questions as she approaches them.

“I think something’s wrong. He’s breathing really fast and he feels a bit warm.”

“Alright, let me check…” She removes her stethoscope from around her neck and presses it to the baby’s chest. She’s quiet for moment. “Alaina, page Dr. Moy, tell him Julian Stabler has fluid in his lungs.”

“Oh my God,” Olivia says.

And then it happens.

His chest stops rising.

His chest stops falling.

His little body stills.

“Code Blue!” Jen yells.

And it all happens so fast. They wheel her out of the way. They surround him to the point where she can no longer see. 

And she prays.

*

Elliot wakes from what feels like a coma. Beside him his youngest daughter sleeps as the TV shows one of the Disney channel’s latest sitcom. He glances at the clock. 5:04 PM. He guesses now is as good of a time as any to head back to the hospital. He’s given her over twenty-four hours of time and space and it’s time for both of them to face the music. He showers quickly before getting dressed and Kayla ready to go. He repacks her overnight bag and after a quick pit stop for something to eat they arrive at the hospital. He’s surprised when he sees Casey in a chair outside Olivia’s room.

“Hey,” he says. “What’s going on?” He sees red when he sees Peter exit her hospital room. “What the hell is he doing here?”

“Elliot, calm down, I called him.”

“What?! Why!”

“Because I couldn’t reach you!”

Peter walks over to them and turns to Casey. “She wouldn’t say a thing.”

“K. Thanks for trying.”

“Elliot,” he nods then moves on his way.

Elliot glares at him until he walks away. “What the hell is going on?” Elliot demands.

“Julian took a turn for the worst last night.”

“What?”

“Is-is he ok? Did he?” he blinks furiously in an effort to hold back his tears.

“No. But it’s not good. He has fluid in his lungs. Pneumonia. He stopped breathing last night. They had to call a code blue and intubate him and everything. It was so scary. I mean, I’m traumatized. I can’t imagine what it’s was like for her.”

“Wait, you guys were there?”

“Yea. We saw the whole thing. She shut down after that. Won’t eat. Won’t see any visitors.”

“She saw Peter.”

“That’s because I begged the nurses to let him in. But a lot of good it did. She wouldn’t even talk to him.”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“I’ve been calling your cell phone non-stop since last night. I must have left you like ten messages.”

He pulls out his cell phone and groans when he finds it dead. “I forgot my charger in her room. It must have died.”

“What about the house phone?”

“Only people that use that line are bill collectors. I didn’t even give it to the hospital.”

“Well, we needed you Elliot, and we haven’t been able to reach you.”

“I’m here now. Here take her. Go home, get some rest. I’ve got this.”

He kisses his daughter goodbye and puts her down. He hands her overnight bag to Casey then heads into the room. She lays there in the darkness and doesn’t say a word to him. “Hey. I uh. I brought you something to eat. I know how much you hate the food here so I got you some stir-fry. Doctor approved.” She doesn’t say anything. She only continues to stare at the ceiling. “We need to talk about what happened.”

“Your children were fighting for their lives while you were busy getting your rocks off with your ex-wife. What else is there to say?” She says before rolling over and giving him her back.

“Kathy came by to see how we were doing. She asked me if I was ok, and I said yea. She gave me a hug goodbye. That’s what you saw. Me saying goodbye.” She remains in silence and he gets frustrated. “You know, how many times are we going to have this fight? You have to let this go.” 

“You couldn’t stand my being friends with Peter, and yet I’m supposed to just sit back and be ok with your relationship with Kathy,” she says with her back to him.

“It’s not the same thing and you know it. Kathy is the mother of my children. Peter was someone you were falling in love with.”

“I was never falling in love with him. He was always my friend. Yes, I slept with him, but we were never anything more than friends.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“I loved you. I always loved you. If I didn’t, we wouldn’t be here right now.”

“Loved…past tense. Does that mean you don’t love me anymore?” She’s quiet for a long time. “Liv?”

“I don’t know…some days…I don’t know,” she says and her voice is so quiet he can barely hear her. If it wasn’t for the silence of the room he would have missed her gentle words.

“Then why are we still married?”

“Because of the days when I do know. The days when I’m happy. When our kids are happy.”

“When are you not happy?”

“The days when you meet with her.”

“What?”

“You think I don’t know? Once a month. Usually on days when you have court since you have a bit more free time. You meet at that café on Canal.”

“How did you know?”

“Does it matter?”

“No, I just-”

“I saw you. We went out for lunch and walked by and there you two were.”

“We meet to talk about the kids. There’s four of them, and with my schedule and her schedule. The time when we trade off with the twins isn’t enough. I don’t want to hide it, but…I know it upsets you.”

“You hiding things from me is what upsets me.”

He sighs. “Olivia, can you please look at me. I’m tired of having a conversation with your back.”

“I can’t look at you right now.”

“Olivia, I want to be honest with you, but how can I when this is how you act. Kathy and I have kids together. We need to have some kind of relationship.”

“You say that like that’s supposed to make me feel better. Do you ever stop to think what it’s like for me? I have to sit back and be ok with you having this relationship with a woman you were married to for nearly twenty years. She was your first. She gave you children. And you’ve cheated on me with her not once but twice. You lie and have these secret meetings with her. How am I supposed to trust you? How am I supposed to be ok with all of this?” her voice cracks. 

He sighs and climbs into bed behind her. He wraps his arm around her waist and is careful about where he places his hand. “Olivia, I love you. I don’t know what else to say or do to make you believe it, but I do. I love you. I made mistakes. I’m not perfect, but I like to think I’ve proved to you, that you’re the one I want. I know it’s hard, I haven’t made it easy, but I need you to believe in me. Love me. Trust me.” He’s surprised when she slides her fingers over his and links them together.

“I want to. I love you so much.”

He pulls back her hair and kisses her neck. “Try.” She doesn’t say anything and they lay together in silence for awhile. “I heard about what happened with Julian.”

“I was so scared. I thought he was going to die right there and there was nothing I could do to help him. Nothing I could do to save him. I’ve never felt so helpless in my life.” 

“I can’t imagine what it was like.”

“It was horrible.”

“Have you seen them today?”

“I’m afraid to go back.”

“Let’s go.”

“No. Not now. Not…yet. I want to just stay here for a bit. Just like this.”

“Ok.” He holds her close and enjoys the quiet with his wife. “You know we haven’t picked out middle names for them yet.” 

“Eli,” she says without hesitation.

“For who?”

“Julian.”

“Where’s it from?”

“You. Can’t have another Elliot Stabler, but an Eli will do.”

He thinks for a moment. “Then Jordan’s will be Levi. He’d never forgive us if we named him Oliver.”

She chuckles. “I suppose he wouldn’t.”

“You ready to go see them?”

She thinks for a moment. “Yea.”


	16. Chapter 16

Six weeks later Olivia smiles as she rocks Jordan in the rocking chair beside his incubator. She watches as his eyes slowly begin to drift closed as he settles down for his afternoon nap. Elliot enters into the NICU and heads over to where his wife sits. “Hey,” he says, then kisses Jordan’s forehead and Olivia soundly on the lips. “You guys ready to go?” 

“Yea, I packed him up when you called earlier.” Beside her, Julian sleeps soundly in his car seat. While he was released close to a week prior, his brother had not been quite ready to go. He had required a second operation to complete the repair on the hole in his heart and thus required a longer stay. 

“How’s the co-bonding thing working?”

“Well. He’s taking more from the bottle and his vitals are better. Doc said we may be able to bring him home by the end of the week.”

“Well, here’s hoping.”

“Yea.” Olivia takes a moment and takes in her husband’s haggard appearance. He’s gone back to work, while she’s taken her maternity leave. Since parking is expensive, he drops her and Julian off in the mornings to spend the day with Jordan then tries to pick them up in the evenings. Then he comes back and spends his nights by Jordan’s side, just as he’s done every night for the past six weeks when they were forced to leave the hospital empty handed. The long work hours and nights of sleeping cramped up in a chair have taken its toll on him. “You look like shit.” 

He smiles and reaches for his son. “Thanks.”

She kisses him goodbye then hands him to his father and watches as Elliot kisses him as well and then tucks him into his incubator. “I think you should stay home tonight and get some rest.” 

“No. He shouldn’t be alone.”

“I don’t like you out on the streets when you’re this tired.”

“I’m a big boy.”

She pulls him close and kisses him chastely on the lips. “I know you are, but I still worry.”

*

They arrive home an hour later and Kayla rushes into her father’s arms. “Daddy, can you read me a story.”

“Not right now baby, Daddy needs to get some sleep,” Olivia answers for him before he can speak.

“Nooo,” the little girl whines.

“Yes,” Olivia reiterates. “You,” she points to Elliot, “Upstairs. You,” she points to Kayla. “Go play until dinner’s ready. I promise you I’ll read you a story before bed.” 

“But I want Daddy,” she clings tighter. Olivia sighs. Bedtime has always been something of a father daughter thing in their home. 

Elliot sets the little girl down. “I promise to read you a story before bed. But only if you’re good. And only if you listen to your mom, ok?”

“Ok,” the little girl acquiesces, but follows her father upstairs nonetheless. 

“Can I hold him?” Lizzie asks eagerly.

“Oh, sorry Honey. He’s sleeping.”

“I can help when he wakes up,” Lizzie offers.

“That’s ok Sweetie. I’ve got it tonight. Maybe next time.”

“Ok,” Lizzie concedes then heads downstairs to her room. Her music is blaring seconds later.

Olivia sighs and heads upstairs, doing all her checks as she goes. Rick is doing his homework. Kayla is going through her books. She enters their bedroom just as Elliot comes out of the bathroom and gets settled into bed. She rests Julian on the bed while she changes into something more comfortable. She sets up the baby sling cradle-style and nestles Julian in it. 

“Why don’t you just let him sleep in the bassinet?” Elliot asks and motions to one of the two at the bottom of their bed.

“I don’t want him to wake you. Get some rest,” she says and leaves the room, closing the door behind her.

*

Elliot jumps out of his sleep hours later, and looks around him. Olivia sits on the other side of the bed, quietly nursing their son. “Time is it?” he asks.

“A little after one.”

“Shit. I didn’t read to Kayla.”

“’S ok. She didn’t nap today. Fell asleep during dinner. Got sauce all over her face.” He smirks. “Go back to bed.”

“Nah. I’m going to head over to the hospital.” 

“El, you have to work in a few hours. They’re not going to let you in this late anyway.”

He gets out of bed and heads to the bathroom. “Some coffee, a few donuts. They’ll let me in. Besides Sabrina has a thing for me.”

“From what I’ve heard, Sabrina has a thing for everybody,” Olivia mumbles.

“Jealous?”

“Should I be?”

“You know me better than that.” He uses the bathroom and brushes his teeth then returns to the bedroom to find something to wear.

“I’m not so sure. I don’t see you bringing me coffee and donuts.” 

“Because you hardly ate them when we were partners and you’re nursing. You’re not allowed to drink coffee.” 

“Excuses,” she sighs and moves the baby to her shoulder and begins to rub his back.

“Would you like me to bring you some coffee?”

“Can’t. I’m nursing. There’s a bag downstairs by the door. Has your dinner. Nothing special, just some spaghetti and meat sauce. There’s also some cookies the girls and I made for the nurses, and a stuffed dog Rick got him. Don’t forget it.”

He shakes his head. “You knew I would end up going to the hospital.”

“And that you would need something to bribe the nurses with, yes. What can I say, I know my husband.” 

“And I’m one lucky man. I’m going to get Liz.”

“Don’t bother El, we’ll be fine.”

He takes Julian from her and takes over the burping process. “Just humor me, huh?”

“What do you think is going to happen?”

“Liv, please.”

“I fell down the stairs once. Once!”

“I know, but at three in the morning everyone is a bit foggy. At least this way she can sit with the baby while you go down to the kitchen or you can send her.”

“El, you need to let this go.”

“I know. But that’s not going to happen tonight. So please?” 

She sighs and concedes defeat. “Fine. Go get her.”

Julian lets out a soft burp and Elliot kisses his dark hair before handing him back to his mother. “Thank you.”

*

Elizabeth awakes later that night to the sounds of her brother’s cries. She sits up, and rubs the sleep out of her eyes and turns to Olivia changing Julian on the bed. “Need any help?” she asks.

“No, he just needs to be changed. You can go back to sleep.” 

“You sure you don’t need me to get him a bottle or his pacifier or something?” she asks as Julian continues to fuss.

“No. He’s fine. Just not a fan of having his diaper changed, but he also hates being wet. Don’t you buddy?” she asks the baby. Julian just continues to fuss. “Kind of a catch-22.” 

“Yea…Olivia?”

“Hmm?” Olivia answers as she lifts the baby and begins to hush him.

“Do you…not trust me. With the baby?”

“Of course I do. What makes you say that?”

“Is it because I cut?”

“No! Where is all this coming from?”

“Well, I know since he’s a premie and everything, you’ve been a bit overprotective, but…you won’t even let me hold him when I’m sitting in the same room as you. Today you said I couldn’t hold him because he was sleeping, but then you spent the entire evening carrying him around in that sling. Just as you have every other evening since he’s come home.” 

“Lizzie-”

“It’s because of what happened to Kayla when I was watching her. You still haven’t forgiven me for that night.”

“I can’t forgive you for something you’re not sorry for.” She knows she’s being petty, but her daughter had just been a baby when everything happened. Innocent. Defenseless. Vulnerable. Elizabeth had taken advantage of that vulnerability. That is something she does not know how to forgive her for.

“I apologized a million times.”

“No, you haven’t. Maybe you’ve said something to your father, but you’ve never said anything to me,” she sighs. It wasn’t right for her to hold such resentment against her. Especially when they’ve all made strides in trying to get past everything that’s happened. Kayla has forgiven her, and she was the victim in all of this. She admires Lizzie. Always wants to be around her, and Elizabeth has been nothing but kind and exceedingly patient with her since moving back. A way of assuaging her own guilt. It doesn’t change what happened, and she still can’t forgive her for something she isn’t sorry for, and if she isn’t sorry for it, it can happen again.

“But you have to know! I didn’t mean-”

“Lizzie. I’m sure you didn’t mean for her to get hurt. But I don’t know what happened that night and I can’t…I can’t let that happen again. He’s just a baby. He can’t protect himself, and with everything he’s already been through…I just prefer to keep him close until he’s a bit stronger. More durable.”

Elizabeth sighs. “Back then… I was really angry. I was angry at you. Kayla. Dad. Mom. Rick. Just…everybody. I had to change schools. Make new friends. It sucked.”

“Kayla had nothing to do with any of that.”

“I know. But back then, I didn’t see it that way. Mom said she and Dad were going to get back together. When it didn’t happen, I asked what was going on and she said that it was because he was having another baby with you. So I blamed her. That night, I was pissed that Dad left me to watch her so he could go chase after you. I yelled at her for looking at me and she got scared and ran away. At first I didn’t care. I was just glad that she wasn’t bothering me anymore, and she was quiet. Then she started crying and she wouldn’t stop so I went to check on her. I found her in the hallway. She threw up, and kept crying. I noticed that she was breathing funny and remember she was allergic to the Nutragrain bar and that’s when I called Dad.”

“She was innocent.”

“I know.”

“She never did a thing to you.”

“I know, and then I realized that she might die. Because of me, and what I did. I felt bad. And…I’m sorry Olivia. I know I never said that to you, but I want you to know that I’m sorry. What I did was wrong. I’ve talked about it a lot in therapy, because I still feel guilty about it today. She told me to apologize, but I’ve been afraid to talk to you about it. It’s not something you just bring up out of the blue. I know that doesn’t change much, and I know it’s going to take awhile for you to trust me, but I hope that you will. One day.” 

“Liz. I trust you with Kayla, but even that took time. I’m going to need you to give me time with the boys as well.”

“Ok.”

“And what helped me is watching you with her,” she says as she passes Julian to her. Elizabeth smiles as she looks down at her baby brother. 

“His doctor wants him to drink this special formula to help him get his strength up. Think you can handle him while I make him a bottle?”

“Yea. I think I can handle that,” she grins.

“Alright. Just holler down if he gives you any trouble.”

“We’ll be fine,” Lizzie answers, never taking her eyes off her baby brother's face.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the very last chapter. Thank you all for reading and for all the kudos. They are greatly appreciated along with your support. =)

Chapter 18

Olivia walks in to the NICU with a large smile on her face. Elliot follows behind her with the car seat in hand. They walk over to Jordan’s bed and see the nurse changing him. “Today’s the day!” Jen says excitedly.

“Yea,” Olivia says and smiles brighter when the nurse hands her son over to her. “Hi,” Olivia says to him and kisses his cheek.

“You guys ready for the car seat test?”

“Yup,” Elliot answers and hands over the car seat. “I’m going to go start signing all the paperwork to take him home.

“Alright. You guys mind if I change him into his going home outfit first?” Olivia asks.

“Go ahead. I’m going to go grab the baby bag for you,” Jen answers.

“Oh no, you already gave us one.”

“I know but you had twins! That means you get two.”

“Thanks, and again thank you so much for everything you’ve done to help us.”

“Not a problem. Just make sure he doesn’t end up back here.”

“I will.”

*

“Surprise!” everyone screams.

Olivia stands shocked in the doorway. Jordan begins to cry, and a few feet away so does Julian.

“Happy anniversary!” Fin says and comes over and gives her a one armed hug.

“Thanks,” she looks at Elliot. “You were in on this weren’t you?”

“They couldn’t hide it from two detectives. Especially when they’re planning it in our house.”

“You should have warned me. What if I had dropped the baby?”

“I knew you wouldn’t. I have faith in you.”

“Dad, help!” Lizzie says as she tries to soothe an unhappy Julian.

He takes the crying infant from her. “He’s upset because you’re upset. Next time you gotta relax.”

“Ok, can I have him back?”

“Actually I’m going to hold onto him for awhile, why don’t you go help Mary wrangle the kids up in Kayla’s room?”

“Ok.”

She heads over to their recliner and makes herself comfortable and she takes in everything. A large banner hangs across the back wall and there are balloons of all colors burgers and hotdogs to serve their numerous guests. Munch, Melinda, Casey, Huang, and other guys from the station are all in attendance. A few guys from her unit as well as some CSI techs that they’ve worked with. She’s surprised when one of their guests approaches her.

“Looking good, Liv.”

“Peter. What are you doing here?”

“Would you believe me if I told you your husband invited me.”

“You’re lying.”

“I know. I thought I’d see pigs fly before that ever happened, but it’s true. How’re you doing? You know the last time I saw you, you didn’t look so good.”

“Yea, I was in a bad place then, but the boys are home, and Elliot and I are doing well.”

“That’s good. I’m happy for you.”

“What about you? How’ve you been doing?”

“Good. I miss you, but I’m trying to move on. Started seeing Stacy,” he nods to the young woman in the corner talking to Maureen. She smiles and turns back to her conversation. “She’s not you, but she’s a good girl. Real nice. I think we can go somewhere.”

“That’s good. I’m happy for you.”

He nods. “I’m going to head back over to her. See what those two are gabbing about. Though I’m afraid to ask. She’s a grad student. Working on her Phd in Psychology over at Hudson. Something I know absolutely nothing about.”  
“Oh, Maureen goes there. She’s working on her Phd in criminal justice. They’ve probably seen each other on campus or something.” 

“Greeaaat. Yet another thing I know nothing about.”

“You’ll be fine.”

“It was nice seeing you. Take care.” He kisses her cheek then walks away. As she watches him introduce himself and she hopes he will truly move on.

Various guests come up to her and congratulate her and fawn over the baby in her arms. She makes the rounds around the house and a group of boys take turns playing against Rick and Toby on Rick’s Xbox. The younger ones play under Lizzie and Mary’s supervision in Kayla’s room. She groans at the mess that will be left for her to clean later, but then heads back to the festivities. Jordan begins to fuss, and right on cue Elliot is there with a bottle, and she feeds her son while she watches Elliot talk with Cragen and feed Julian. He returns later to bring her a plate of pasta salad and a cheeseburger.

“Kayla eat yet?”

“Yea. She had a hot dog some chips.”

“What did you have to bribe her with to eat it all?”

“Time out and no cake or ice cream.”

She laughs and shakes her head. It seems their now three year old has skipped the terrible twos in favor of terrible threes, which will be fun to wrangle along with twin newborns. The inherited stubbornness will be a bonus, but she’s up for the challenge. As long as Elliot is by her side she knows there is very little that they can’t handle. This is the life she’s always wanted, and she’s glad that she finally has it. There have been a lot of ups and downs and keeping their marriage together has been more of a struggle than she ever could imagine it would be, but she’s grateful for it now. They have come out of the battles with dents and chinks in their armor, but they’ve also emerged together and stronger than ever. She now knows that there is nothing Elliot Stabler wouldn’t do for her, and he will fight for her until his dying breath. Something she never thought she was worthy of, but something he’s always known. She loves him more for it, and in return there is nothing she wouldn’t do to see him happy. He turns from his conversation with Munch as if he can sense her eyes on him. 

He smiles at her.

She smiles back.

She begins to eat, but looses her appetite when Kathy Stabler comes up to her.

“Kathy,” she greets.

“Olivia. I just wanted to come by and say congrats.”

“Thanks.”

“I have some experience handling twins, so if you need any help you know who to call.”

“Thanks, but we both know I won’t be making that call, ever.”

“Olivia, I’m trying to be civil. You’re helping with raising my kids. I think it would be best if we could get along, maybe be friends.”

“Kathy, we will never be friends, and you know why. I can’t even trust you to have you in my home or around my kids. We can never be friends.” 

“Olivia, neither of us is perfect.” 

“That’s true. But that doesn’t mean I need another imperfect person in my life. Now if you’d excuse me, I’m trying to enjoy my dinner.”

Kathy sighs and walks away and a few seconds later Casey waddles over. She sits down slightly out of breath. “I was trying to come over here to save you, but nowadays speed isn’t exactly my thing. Besides the best I can do at this point is sit on her. Maybe blind her with some gas. You know you failed to warn me about all this.”

Olivia laughs. “I know you’re in pain, but it’s woth it,” she says glancing down at her son.

“I know you’re in protective mama bear mode and you haven’t let anyone within a five foot radius of him, but I was hoping that maybe I was special enough that you’d let me hold him?” She reaches for him. “C’mon. It will give you a chance to eat, and he needs to spend sometime getting to know his Godmother.”

Olivia sighs and carefully passes Jordan into Casey’s arms. “You know you’re not his Godmother,” she mumbles avoiding eye contact.

“What? Says who?”

“Uh me.”

“Then who’s got the gig?”

“Warner. Called dibs when she gave me my test results.”

“That’s no fair. What about Julian?” 

Olivia choses that moment to take a large bite of her burger. “This is really good, did you have one?”

“She gets him too?!”

“They come as a set, you can’t split them up.”

“This is a conspiracy.”

“You sound like Munch.”

“He’s right sometimes.”

“Uh huh. When are you due?”

“Would you believe I still have another twelve weeks? I’m going to talk to Mark. He must have missed a baby or two on the last ultrasound.”

“You’ll be ok. It will go by in a flash. Find out what you’re having yet?”

“We’re holding off. We want to be surprised.”

“Good choice.”

“Liv, what’s labor like?”

“Want me to sugar coat it or give it to you straight.”

“You know I’m a straight forward kind of gal.”

“It’s horrible. It’s exhausting, long, and the most excruciating pain you’ll ever experience.”

“Thanks.”

“But, it’s also incredibly rewarding.”

“Will you… will you be there with me?”

“Of Course! There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you Case, after everything you’ve done…”

“Does that include letting me God mother?”

“You have to take that up with Mel.”  
“I can take her.”

“Casey. I’m pretty sure she can kill you with her thumb. Remember she works with dead people for a living.”

“Right…” she sighs and stares down at the sleeping baby in her arms. “Would you do it again?”

She stares and the little baby and smiles wistfully. “In a heartbeat.” 

*

Liv…

Liv…

“Liv, Elliot calls.”

Olivia awakes to see Elliot standing over her. 

“Hey, you fell asleep.”

She looks around slightly confused. “Where is everybody?”

“They all left a little while ago. We were trying to clean up a bit, but we’re all too tired. C’mon, let’s go to bed. Here, let me take Jordan.” 

She looks over to the couch. “And who’s going to take Kayla?”

“I am.” 

“You can’t carry them both.”

“Fine, I’ll come back and get her.”

“Or you can just let me carry him upstairs. I’m fine.”

“Liv please. Not tonight.”

“El-”

“I can carry him.” Both look over and are surprised to see Rick. “I mean if, you know. You need help. Or not. Or whatever. Never mind.”

“No. No, Rick that would help us out,” he looks at his wife and silent communication passes between the two of them. She agrees.

Rick walks over and he avoids eye contact and scratches the back of his neck. “Just support his head,” Olivia tells him as she places her son in his arms.

He carefully cradles his little brother. “Like this?”

“Yea, like that.”

They all head upstairs to their bedroom. Lizzie is in the room standing over Julian’s bassinet. “Just tucking him in.” 

“Thanks,” Olivia says and watches Rick carefully place Jordan in the bassinet beside Julian’s. 

“Need anything else?” Rick asks.

“Nope. Thanks you two. Why don’t you guys head off to bed. You both have school in the morning.”

“Do we have to?” Rick whines.

“Yea, it’s the last week. It’s not like they’re making us do anything productive.”

“Yes, you have to go to school. Now off to bed.” Elliot tells them as he comes into the room. The twins leave grumbling the entire way.

“Kayla go down ok?” Olivia asks.

“Yea. I was afraid she was going to wake up while I was putting her pajamas on, but she’s a sound sleeper.”

“Wonder where she gets that from?”

“Not me.”

“Uh huh.”

“I’m going to hop in the shower.”

“Alright. See you in a few.”

He taps his toothbrush on the side of the sink and grins his teeth in front of the mirror checking to see if he has missed a spot.

“All squeaky clean?” Olivia asks as she leans in the doorway of the entrance to their bathroom. Dressed in a long sleeved T-shirt. Her arms crossed over her chest.

“Yea sorry, do you need to use the bathroom?”

“Actually, I wanted to talk to you,” she says pulling the door, but leaving it slightly ajar.

“What?”

She walks over and slides between him and the counter and hoists herself up onto it placing a leg on either side of his. “You know, today is our anniversary.”

He grins. “Yea, and?”

She runs her hands down the hard muscle of his chest and undoes the towel around his waist. “Certain traditions should be upheld,” she whispers over his lips. “Don’t you think?” She asks and takes his penis in her hand.

“What traditions might that be?” he replies, playing along. He slides his hands up the bare skin of her thighs.

“Hmmm. I do have one in mind,” she says before covering his lips with hers.

He returns her kiss with equal fervor and pulls her closer to his engorged member. Her arms wrap around his neck and she pulls him closer to her. His fingers slide over her mound and he’s surprised to find her already wet and ready for him. He wastes no time pushing inside her and smiles when she sighs against his lips. He reaches for the hem of her shirt, but she stops him with her hand on his. “No, Just like this,” she pants. “Just like this.” He grabs her hips and pulls her closer, pushing harder into her. Her arms slip over his back and she braces her hands on the counter behind her. Her head falls back and he attacks her neck, causing her to let out a deep moan. She can feel the tension begin to build inside her as his strokes become more frequent and harder. She wraps one arm under his and the other around his neck him and holds on tighter. She comes without warning and he follows suit behind her.

“Happy Anniversary,” he pants into her ear.

“Yea,” she pants back. She swallows hard and looks him in the eye. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he replies and kisses her sweetly on the lips.

“But I really came in here to talk to you,” she laughs, and he laughs with her. “You’ve been great. Throughout all of this you’ve been amazing. I couldn’t have asked for a better husband.” 

“Liv?” he asks when he sees her eyes well up with tears.

“I know I haven’t been the greatest wife. I’ve been difficult. Selfish. And I always run when things get too hard, but through it all you’ve stuck by me. And you’ve loved me. I never thought I’d find a man that would love me unconditionally and it took me this long to realize you do, and I’m sorry. For everything I’ve done to hurt you. I’m sorry.”

“Liv, you don’t have to apologize. We’ve both made mistakes.”

“Yea, but I want to. You deserve better.”

“No Liv, I deserve you,” he says and pulls her into a hug. “Now how about you hop back into the shower with me, and get cleaned up.”

She smiles and kisses the corner of his mouth. “As much as I would love to, I can’t. The boys,” she motions back to their bedroom.

“I’ll grab the baby monitor. They’ll be fine. C’mon.” He says and reaches for the hem of her shirt. Her hands quickly cover his. “You’re beautiful,” he tells her. And accentuates it with a kiss on the lips. He lifts the shirt and she aids him by raising her arms over her head. “Now hop in the shower, I’ll be right back.”

*

“No more!” Olivia giggles as she side steps Elliot’s grip and hops out of the shower. “I’m putting this on cold!” she tells him as she turns the knob.

“Hey!” he shrieks.

“You can come out when you’ve calmed down,” she wraps a towel around herself heads back into the bedroom. She notices that Jordan is awake and cooing happily in his bassinet as she passes by. She quickly dresses in one of Elliot’s T-shirts and a pair of boy shorts and unlocks their room door before lifting him from his bed and snuggling in bed with him. “Hey, Sweet Boy,” she coos to him and he stares at her with bright blue eyes and coos back. 

“Not playing favorites are you,” Elliot asks as he steps into the bedroom. 

“No, he was up so I figured he’d want some Mommy time.”

Elliot pulls on some boxers and settles in on the other side of the bed. “Well, he’s had Mommy time all day. It’s Daddy’s turn,” he says as he lifts him from her and settles him in his lap. “Can you tell them apart yet?”

“Actually, yea, I can.”

“How?”

“I’m their Mom, that’s how. I’ve spent the last six weeks by their side.”

“Yea, I wanted to talk to you about that.”

“What?”

“I’ve been thinking about retiring.”

“What?! Elliot you can’t. Did something happen at work?”

“No, but, It’s something I’ve been considering for a while now. I’ve done my twenty, and our family needs me here.” 

“Elliot, me falling wasn’t your fault. It’s a freak accident that could have happened while you were here.”

“No. I was at work instead of here with you. They called Cragen to relay the message that something had happened to you. They shouldn’t have had to. I should have been home. I had called out, and wanted to get some paperwork to do while I was home. If I had come straight home like I said I was, I would have been here to get you that glass of water. I mean, what if you had been knocked out and never called 911. I could have lost all three of you.”

“But you didn’t. We’re all here, and we’re all fine.”

“I almost lost you because I couldn’t see how unhappy you were. I wasn’t around when Rick was hanging out with the wrong people and getting mixed up in drugs. I wasn’t around to realize that things weren’t ok at home, and that Liz and Rick didn’t like Kayla, and she ended up hurt. I wasn’t around to realize that Liz was so unhappy that she started cutting herself.”

“El, I was around and even I didn’t see it. You can’t blame yourself for all that.”

“I want to do this, Liv. I have a few more years before Liz, and Rick go off to college. I want to go Liz’s science fairs and gymnastics meets. I want to coach Rick in football and baseball. Teach him what I know. Help him hone in on his skills. I missed a lot of them growing up, I don’t want to miss that with Kayla or with these two. I can work until you come off maternity leave and stay and help take care of the boys. We can’t afford day-care for all three of them.”

“You really want to leave the force and become a stay at home dad?”

“Yea. T-ball is coming up, and Kayla can join. They’re even looking for coaches. This is something I can do.”

“Well, if it’s what you really want, then I’ll support you. I just don’t want you to regret your decision later.”

“I’m not. This is where I’m needed. I’m tired of worrying about murderers, rapists, and pedophiles. I need to spend more time worrying about our family. This is where I need to be.”

“What about when the boys get older and go off to school?” 

“I’ll find something to do. I can teach at the academy or something.”

“Alright, seems like you’ve really thought this through so I’ll support you with this. When are you going to put your papers in?”

“Tomorrow morning. I’ve had them filled out for two weeks now, I just wanted to clear it with you before I went ahead with it.”

“Alright.” From his bassinet Julian begins to fuss and Olivia quickly picks him up and settles back in bed with him. “You know, I was surprised that you invited Peter.”

“It was a big celebration. I wanted to invite all of our family and friends.”

She smirks.“Is that why you invited Kathy?”

He sighs. “I knew that wasn’t going to go over well. She’s their Mom. Liz asked if she could come since we were inviting everybody else. I didn’t know how to or have the heart to tell her no.”

“I don’t want her here. Ever.”

“Liv.”

“No. This is our home. It’s sacred. It’s supposed to be a safe place.”

“We need to get past the past.”

“I still see her with you on our couch. It’s supposed to be a place where our entire family can sit and be happy and I still see her kissing you on our couch. She’s disrespected our home, and our marriage. She’s not welcomed here. I don’t want to be around her and I don’t want her around my kids. That’s not going to change.”

“You’ve gotta try, Liv. I did with Peter.” 

“If inviting him was your way of trying to force my hand in this, then you did it for nothing.”

“I did it because you said he’s a friend, and I’m trying to trust you with him. I want you to be friends with him if that’s what you want, I just don’t want you to use him as a replacement for talking to me.”

“I won’t, and I appreciate that, and I know how my friendship with him makes you feel. Which is why I will keep my distance from him. As for Kathy. Kathy and I…it’s just not going to happen.”

“Not even for Liz and Rick?”

“Not even for a million dollars.”

He decides the will let it go for now, and try to pick up the conversation in a few months. “You know there’s another tradition we skipped over.”

“What?”

He hands her a velvet box. “Happy Anniversary. I heard you the other day, when you said I don’t buy you anything.”

“I was joking Elliot.”

“Yea, well open it,” she opens the box to reveal a gold ring. The center holds three heart shaped stones. Light pink in the middle and diamonds on either side. 

“It’s the kids’ birthstones. You like?”

“Yea,” she nods. “I like. I guess great minds think alike.”

“What?” 

She hands him a similar velvet box. “Happy Anniversary.” He opens it to reveal a gold ring as well covered in different colored stones. Two purple. Two diamonds. A dark blue, lime green, and a light pink. In the space between each one was the name of one of his kids. “I know the names are hard to read since they’re so small, but it’s hard to fit seven names on one ring.”

“I love it. Thank you.” He kisses her on the lips and they’re interrupted by a knock on the door.

“Mommy?” Kayla’s voice peeps through.

“Hey Baby girl, come in.”

“And so it begins,” Elliot says as Kayla shuffles in wearing her pink footie pajamas.

“So what begins?”

“The sibling rivalry.”

Kayla settles into the space between them and begins to suck her thumb. She reaches out and gently takes Jordan’s hands in hers.

Elliot admires his three youngest and looks at Olivia to see her doing the same. “You happy?”

“Yea, I’m happy.”

Finé


End file.
